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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Daddy By Korn
When I told my bio mom what I remembered happened to me as a small child, her exact words were “Well, It happened to me too” and she went back to doing whatever she was doing. I didn’t tell the rest of my family because that made me feel like well no one will care so why talk about it. It wasn’t until years later that I brought it up in therapy did I tell my step parents. 30 years later it still comes up, I still haven’t completely processed it. Doesn’t help that sa was prevalent my whole life and she allowed a lot of it.
You were very courageous at the time to choose to mention it and somehow reach out for support. SA leaves such a traumatic wound on us, making is so difficult to talk about what happened, especially when we are young. There is this undeserved, lingering sense of shame that tends to prevail, but by naming what happened you were in this brave space of trying to separate yourself, your identity, from what happened to you.
I’m so very sorry that your mom responded in such a dismissive way at the time and didn’t see how much you needed her. You were there, little and vulnerable, in need of her care and support, but she did not listen. What she told you must have felt on your end like a way to say that what you went through didn’t matter, at least not enough to be said and not enough to be saved from. That it wasn’t really worth noticing or even worth mentioning because “it happens”. It’s like her own experience and traumas completely tinted her view, and in the end was not the response you needed at the time. What it shows is that she herself was not healed from what happened to her, and that completely shaped her view of your experience and maybe even of being a parent overall.
When I tried to reach out to my mom like you did, I wasn’t believed. Later onn, over the years, I learned about what she went through as a child because she basically used my siblings and I as her therapists. It took so much of me to understand that she was still in this status of both victim and not wanting to be helped, which left absolutely no room for her to actually be a mom, a responsible and caring parent. Which isn’t excusing at all. The denial was so strong, and I understand why it was there, but at the same time I see how much it should have been different. Being a parent is not a role that can be worn only for the good moments.
I feel for you and can relate to the mixed feelings that this situation can bring. It’s heartbreaking when you’re a grown adult and feel with every fiber of your soul how much you were emotionally abandoned by your parents, and how much they could have done something to change the direction your life was taking. It feels like being abandoned by someone who was actually in the same room as you, and leaves so many walls between them and you, walls that make honest and vulnerable communication almost impossible. They’re in their own mind, in their own world and denial, and you are left with not only the need to work on your own healing, but also to do it without the first people who should have taken care of you. It’s a hard place to be in, with so many layers of grief attached to it.
@@HeartSupport thank you. You’re absolutely right, she didn’t want to heal from her own trauma, even wore it like a badge of honor sometimes. I no longer have contact with her or anyone in her family, other than my sister’s and an aunt that’s not blood related. She was forever a victim and we were told we were unwanted and a burden. Her family dismissed or even at times encouraged her behavior so I went No Contact with everyone.
I’m sorry you had such a hard time with your mother as well. It’s so difficult and confusing when someone that is supposed to love you the most treats you the worst. It really skews your concept of life and love. I was drawn to abusers because that’s what I thought love was. I know now and am healing from it all. I hope you are too.
