Where am I at? Where have I been?

I don’t want to be fake in this post. I don’t want to act like I have my life together, like I haven’t been hurting or that things have been going great, because to be honest it’s pretty far from the truth.

I came into the new year feeling extremely good, I was ready to face the new year, and I had a lot of things I wanted to accomplish, one of which was sobriety (drugs, alcohol and self harm). The first week it was great, I was tempted but I handled it. I was pretty isolated during that time, somewhat by choice though, so I was doing it all on my own. Well things quickly weren’t so easy anymore and I was struggling, I felt like I had nowhere to turn.

I wasn’t happy in any of my friendships and support I had anymore, because I felt pushed aside and alone, but realized quickly that the expectations I had weren’t healthy at all. So here I am now, finally coming back to the community after two weeks of pretty well being completely inactive. So here is what I’ve discovered through my support group and some self evaluation:

I was asked the question: where do kids find their security? As someone who is studying and learning about families, my immediate answer was the parents, usually the mother… And I was like but for me I didn’t have that, so now what? So here is the honest answer, I’ve tried to find security in others, and my relationships with others. So making relationships last, and wanting constant contact (because if not I felt like I no longer had that security). So I connect that back to my ex as well, because I stayed with him because I knew there was security in that relationship because I knew as much as he told me i wasn’t allowed to leave, that he wasn’t going to leave either.

So here I am now. I put my security in this community in a few people’s hands (one of which ended up blocking me completely) and that wasn’t a fair expectation, and so when I felt my security slipping away, I got scared and flipped, and so I felt like I was no longer safe here, so I just dropped off. I left the discord, haven’t been on the support wall in a few weeks, and haven’t really been in streams. And well I’m not happy where I’m at but I just became content. I was hurting and wasn’t ready to come back.

So now I’m here, not really knowing if any of this made sense, but I just needed to get it out, and be honest with the community with where I’m at, and where I’ve been. I don’t know how involved I will be, but I will be okay, and I’m working through things.

As an update now as of tonight I am 19 days clean from pills… and yeah that’s it. I relapsed in alcohol and self harm. So yeah, this is me, emotionally raw coming as is, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been around much.

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It


I am sorry that you’re going through this. I am glad that you shared.

Hi Monkey and thank you for sharing! I don’t wanna talk about how hard it must be for you right now because nobody knows that better than you. However, I want to tell you that you don’t need to feel any regret. If you were capable of doing more/coming here sooner you would have! You were not ready, so what? You took your time and that’s also very important. Right now you are here and you are back, so stay positive! And by the way, great job with staying clean!!!

Hello friend, thanks for reaching out.

I’m sad things didn’t turn out the way you wanted to: however, I honestly suggest not to force yourself to do things. Nothing’s mandatory and you should do only the things you enjoy doing. I’ve also been away from here for a long time and it’s been good. I know how important this community is, both for you and all of us, you are important, but it’s better not to take something you enjoy or love doing as a job as you’ll probably ruin the experience.

If you feel in need to take another break - do. We’ll always be here waiting for you. We love you, and want you to se happy, not only content

That’s the issue, is I don’t know what it will take or what will have to change for me to be “ready” to come back. I obviously still love this community and I always will but there’s just so much going on, and I don’t know left from right at this point and I needed time to breathe and work through my own insecurities so I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I just don’t know what to do…