Where do I begin? What ISN'T wrong with me?

Hello all, where do I start? I’m 28 years old and I am lucky enough to have a career that any normal person would be elated to have. I should feel blessed and lucky to have this job, but the truth is that I wake up most days feeling empty and worthless and that what I do and my life in general don’t matter. I wake up with next to no motivation about getting any better at my job and spend the day going through the motions till I reach the limit of my contract hours then clock out and do all I can to avoid even thinking about work for the remainder of the day. I live alone, and don’t really have any friends locally (other than a couple people I work with, who honestly aren’t really people I enjoy spending time with). The people that I love and adore are too busy with their lives to even give me a call just to say hi, and I basically spend my free time sitting around hoping for them to do more than send me a meaningless text, which I understand is a completely unfair expectation for me to put on someone I care about.

On top of all this, I have a rare genetic condition that has resulted in several cranial tumors that have left my face/eyes/head deformed, they cause me measureable pain and discomfort, are a significant inconvenience in my daily living, and have clearly had a tremendous negative effect on my mental, emotional, and social well-being. I am preparing for my SECOND brain surgery in 8 years, which the thought of is already causing me stress for a number of reasons; in order for me to make sure this surgery is covered by insurance, I basically have to stay in a job that brings me more anxiety and fear of failure than anything, and since it’s only my second year in this job I’m worried that I can/will be let go for no specific reason.

I feel like my life/mind are just in constant conflict with each other over irrational fears and anxieties, or feelings of guilt and being inconsiderate when in reality I just want better for myself. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else, but I often feel like this world would be better if I weren’t here and I wasn’t such a burden on others. I just don’t even know what I’m fighting day to day for anymore. If anything, I wake up with genuine feelings of disappointment when I get up in the morning. I’m just exhausted of living. I figure I’ve done most of this to myself by getting stuck in my own head, but I don’t know who to talk to or who will understand.

I often find it difficult to put into words how I truly feel about what is going on in my life and in my mind, and I tried my hardest here. I probably haven’t even mentioned half what I’m actually dealing with, my mind just feels like a scramble egg right now.

I know things could be worse, but thanks for taking the time to read.

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Hi Adam, thanks for reaching out.

Work and career are what most men concentrate on when feeling down. And that’s good, it gives you a purpose and satisfaction “. But that not all you should do. Even if you have no friends locally, don’t be afraid of going out alone: I honestly go out alone most of the times, as not all the people I spend time with share the same interests.

As far as texting goes, I believe that chats are pretty meaningless, even if people use only those nowadays: I honestly prefer voice messages, or even better, phone calls. Why don’t you try to call your friends and talk about the issue? I know it’s scary, but if they’re true friends, they’ll understand.

Also don’t worry about your physical appearance. I know you might feel you can’t fit in, but it’s what makes you unique. That’s pretty mainstream to say, but my life got a lot easier and better as soon as I decided not to let my illnesses control my life. I have diabetes and a lot of other restrictions on food, and that’s always an issue when going out or travelling. Just live more freely and start caring less, you’ll soon realise how much people will get inspired from you for that.

When feeling in need, remember that God and us are always there for you. Love you



Thank you for posting here. it takes courage to come out and share what you are going through. You are going through so much. To feel like you are stuck in a job just so you can keep the insurance to cover your surgery is making you feel trapped. I am sorry you are in this situation. That’s hard.

With the various struggles you’re facing, it’s easy to think that maybe life isn’t worth it. But, let me tell you. You are so brave for waking up each day and facing the world. For going to work all while dealing with the tumors and subsequent medical procedures and anxiety. To get out of bed in the morning in the midst of those things isn’t a small feat. But you are doing it. You are doing the best you can. To face the world when you are dealing with so much takes an incredible amount of strength.

Keep holding on. Things can get better. Even if it’s not right away.

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Thank you both for the responses, your kind words are much appreciated. I’m just trying to take things day by day, as we all are.

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