I am in a state of constant depression. Anything that makes me feel good is only temporary and it feels like I’m trying too hard to live in the moment. I used to take medicine, I don’t anymore. I used to visit a therapist, I don’t anymore. There isn’t any point because all it does is cost my parents money, and when I get into college, all it will do is cost me money. The world is collapsing around me slowly and surely as I make my way through the last semester of high school, stressing me and reminding me that college will be my break it or make it scenario. I wish I was happy. I wish I was normal. All that happens nowadays is the constant miserable feeling. I almost feel like I am supposed to feel this way. Sure, medication solves the imbalance of brain chemicals, but it’s like a band aid to a problem that won’t go away if I just take medication.
I hate being depressed and anxious, but I feel like I have no choice in the matter, and that this is the hand I have been dealt. It’s an awful feeling, and sometimes I wish I could grasp something that felt more permanent than the temporary happiness I feel in hobbies or with friends.
I hear you. Depression and anxiety are such a life sucker. It’s already tough to deal with one, but both combined truly feel like a living nightmare sometimes. I wish for you to have the possibility to feel joy again in a way that wouldn’t seem temporary. But one you could really feel like holding tightly, one that would bring a sense of grounding and belonging to you.
May I ask how has been your experience with medicine and therapy in the past? What are your personal takeaways from them both?
I hear your concerns about money, but, I can’t emphasize enough how much it is never a waste to spend money in order to access to resources that could help you, whether it is for your physical or mental health. Just because your well being is not a luxury. It is a fundamental need. If you had an accident tomorrow and were hurt, would you think it would be a waste of money to receive medical care? I’m sure you wouldn’t. Mental health is as important as physical one. Some of us need a crutch sometimes, and that’s okay.
Your are not abnormal or broken because you are struggling with a depression and anxiety. It happens to be part of your life. It happens to be part of the life of so many. It doesn’t make anyone less than others though. It just shapes our connection with the world around us in a certain way. It impacts the regulation of our emotions and the way we perceive the world. As a result, it is still valid, and you still belong just as you are.
Medications, on another hand, are indeed not going to fix your problems, and it’s really good that you’re aware of it. Many people want antidepressants with the idea that it would heal them. The fact that it doesn’t heal doesn’t make them useless though. They act like a crutch. Depression has this sneaky effect of making everything pointless and too hard to do. A medication is there to help you muster this energy you need in order to keep on living. It allows you to keep experiencing life. And regarding anxiety, it allows you to actually see and feel that you can do the things you’re afraid of, and that nothing bad will happen. It allows you to step out of your comfort zone - all of these things that are part of learning to cope and working on the roots of your struggles. To take an extreme example, being stuck in bed and having zero energy nor motivation to do anything only reinforces the vicious cycle. Depression and anxiety create this cycle that allow them to feed themselves. If you picture the wheel of a bicycle, it’s as if a branch has been put in it. The medication is there to put the branch away an add small wheels. Then, it is still up to you to learn how to use the pedals. Until the small wheels are not necessary. Until you find your own pace.
You have acknowledged the issue, what’s weighing on you.
What is going to be your next step, friend?
I’m not even sure. It feels like I’m making steps in life but not living them. Every day feels so empty. I should probably mention that the entire reason I hesitate with getting therapy is I feel like it is a waste of money. Out of all the therapists I’ve had, I’ve never been able to feel comfortable with them. They feel like strangers. Every time I talk to them and finish my session and leave, all I can imagine is them scoffing and rolling their eyes because I am so excusing or just another person to deal with. And I hate cycling through therapists because I feel like I’ve just wasted that one person’s time, not to mention I feel like it never ends. I don’t know, right now I’m walking through life going nowhere in particular. Doing my college papers, doing high school work, just… going through the motions, but feing numb and feel like an impending doom hangs over my head all the time.
I am sorry this isn’t a good message, but it’s how I feel.
Sometimes I feel like I’ll be alone in college. All the friends I have will be too busy in college themselves to talk to me. I will not be able to see family. I will not have any sort of transport for college so I’ll essentially just go to my classes and then go to my dorm and sleep. I don’t know. I’m so scared about going to college because it means once I’m done with college, it’ll be working for the next 40 years of my life until I can’t anymore. Then I’ll die. It’s an impending doom.
