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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Falling in Reverse Popular Monster
While I don’t have depression, I still dealing with all the rage and negative emotions inside of me caused by bad memories of the past and constantly fucking ups in life. I am just really pissed off at myself and life as a whole, I just can’t see myself directly in my eyes sometimes. Everyone around me just doesn’t understand how my emotions came to be, telling me there is nothing to worry about and my life is perfectly fine, sometimes even pissed off at me because they think that ‘I don’t appreciate my life and I’m making up all this sickness’, but this demon inside is just simultaneously raging. It’s just the feeling that being emotionally fucked up and not being understood that made me love this song, because it basically talks about the current me
Thank you for sharing how you have been feeling with us. I don’t know the details of the mistakes you’ve made in life, but I can resonate with the feeling of being angry with yourself for making them. And for being mad at the way your life is going as a whole. That anger can really take root and impact how we feel and how we go about life moving forward as well. Feeling not only angry but disappointed in yourself for knowing better and not doing better, or for not knowing better and feeling like we should have. In hindsight things always seem so much clearer and it becomes really easy to be angry that we couldn’t see things that way in the moment. It is a valid feeling but we also deserve to receive some compassion and grace from ourselves as well.
It can be hard not to dwell on the past, especially if it has had such an impact on your present life situation and has put you in a place where you aren’t exactly pleased or content with the way things are at the moment. Our mind starts to plague us with “if onlys” and “I should haves” and all the different ways things could have been different if you had just gotten your shit together right then and there. I have been down that road, and sometimes I still go down it myself. However, from my experience I know that road can keep us trapped and prisoner to our past and all the negative emotions (anger, rage, sadness) that comes with it and it stops us from trying to make the best out of our present or working to make positive changes to our present that would make us feel happier/better/more content. We are all human, we all will make mistakes at varying levels, some really small, and others will be absolute massive fuck ups. But they all are a part of the human experience of life. And you are human my friend, it is normal and okay to make mistakes in life, they can be a part of our learning experience and self-improvement journey if we allow them to be.
On the other hand, I am sorry to hear that the people around you are being so insensitive and demeaning of your feelings. I want to let you know that what you feel is very valid and that you others, including myself, have felt as you feel. So you are not alone. I’m sure hearing their responses and opinions must only add to the rage that you feel, making it feel unsafe to open up about your feelings, making you feel crazy for even feeling that way in the first place. You are entitled to your feelings and just because people may not understand them or don’t feel the same way, it doesn’t make your experience of what you feel any less real and any less valid. And your loved/close ones should be mindful of that.
I hope that you are able to work through the feelings that you have, and all of the rage that you feel in a positive way. That you can receive the support and acknowledgement from others around you that you deserve. That somehow they can realize how they are hurting you and making you feel, and that they can become more encouraging and be a stronger support system as you work through your feelings and figure out what to do with them, ways to move forward. I’m hoping that one day you can find a way to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made and to release yourself from your anger - you deserve your compassion, grace, and forgiveness just as much as other people that you have forgiven in your life so far.
