I have been suffering from MDD since probably 2013 or so, formally diagnosed in maybe 2019. I have tried therapy and all of the medications, I have tried magnetic and electrical stimulation. I have been to a psychiatrist as an inpatient, and an outpatient. I have really explored what I believe to be all of the current options. I have come to the following conclusion. I am not chemically imbalanced. I do not have some deep hidden trauma. I simply do not see the point of eat, sleep, work, rinse and repeat for the next 20 to 40 years or so. I do not like being alive. I do not want to see anything, go anywhere, or meet anybody. I don’t care if i get to see my son or daughter get married. I am not religions and do not fear for where my “soul” is going to go. I don’t feel guilt for what those I leave behind will feel or need as I will be dead and it will not matter. I have withdrawn completely from life. I don’t talk to my parents, siblings, wife, or children. I make a good living and have nothing to show for it. I grew up in the homes of drug dealers and I feel no better in my cozy suburban house. I do not see the point to life and I want it to end. I tried to kill myself once and after I was released from the hospital, promised my wife I would not try again. I think about suicide every day. If anybody knew where my head was at, they would lock me up in a psych ward and throw away the key. I don’t have a disease that can be treated or cured, I just want to die. I was upset when I found out I didn’t have cancer. I don’t take the medicine I know I need to prevent heart attack or stroke, because I don’t want to prevent them. All I know is I don’t understand why I don’t have the right to decide that life just isn’t for me and that I’d like to die now. Not really looking for help finding the will to live, just trying to understand why ending my own life is not allowed.
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@RxDoc2010
Thank you for your post. I hear your despair and it saddens me greatly that your feelings have come to this point.
The law is there to keep people safe and It indeed should be as mental health problems make people fragile.
I truly hope that things do improve, never say never as no one know what the future holds. I wish you well friend. Lisa. x
you said:
I do not like being alive. I do not want to see anything, go anywhere, or meet anybody. I don’t care if i get to see my son or daughter get married.
you also say:
I have withdrawn completely from life. I don’t talk to my parents, siblings, wife, or children. I make a good living and have nothing to show for it.
You’ve tried the meds, and therapies… have you tried radically addressing the social parts of it? You promised your wife, so that means that there is some sense of obligation or duty or even love towards her? That you care about her feelings, or the fear she had, the worry, or even just some consideration for all the legal drama she’ll have to deal with.
If life is so unpleasant as it is now, why not try working on the relationships around you? You sound like you’ve bravely tried the medicines, maybe you can try to make those relationships better (once those people haven’t been toxic or emotionally or otherwise abusive, etc)?
Some people find some meaning to life is making good memories for themselves, and with others. Maybe you can try that? I’m sure you’ve heard the old “why not try yoga” thing too, but why not try it? it engages your body and it could possibly distract your mind from other stuff when you’re focused on getting this position or breathing right.
Have you been talking to your doctors about these thoughts?
And society has made a collective agreement that we protect others and their lives, that lives have value and are important. you are important to your wife, and maybe your friends and family as well. Your job probably thinks you’re important and valuable as well.
I hope you keep trying out new things. And above all else, I’m glad you’re here with us, in this community, and using this space to share your thoughts,. we care about you friend.
It’s so hard to be in this position, and for what it’s worth I’ve felt the same way at various times in my life. Feeling like I am not equipped for existence, and at the same time feeling trapped by some kind of obligation to stay. It’s hard when it feels like the love that others have for you is indirectly causing you more suffering for it makes you stay.
Something that I’ve experienced personally, and maybe it’s different for you, is that during these times when I feel lucid about my willingness to die and how right it feels, I’m actually not as lucid as I think. It feels like having an extreme clarity over my life and myself, but by giving myself more time and through therapy especially I’ve realized how much it was a way for me to cope with things I wasn’t ready to address. You have mentioned growing up in homes of drug dealers, and I would imagine that this would have had an impact on you, that what it implies can be traumatic in itself - even if it doesn’t feel like it, and even if it was your “normal”. I personally grew up in a house where we were loved but also beaten and humiliated, and it’s only decades later that I started to realize how wrong it was, and how it has shaped a good amount of my suffering in the present. It’s hard to come to terms with out story, even harder when we feel like the only way out is by deleting ourselves from the face of the earth.
Maybe to keep giving yourself a chance is all about that. Time is, in the end, the most valuable thing we have, and as long as we keep offering ourselves the time we need, we may start to experience things differently, and cultivate experiences that bring a smile to our face.
“For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green”
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