This question is haunting me.
After my dad’s funeral, which I didn’t attend, I have been angry and hurt.
TLDR version is that my dad was a sexual abuser and allowed others to do the same.
I’ve been on and off drugs for some time now. I’ve lied and stolen and have recently even used my body for drugs.
As a male having had abuse from a male it’s been re traumatising having other men wanting to … well you get it, but the stupidity of it all is that even though it’s shit and awful and makes me hate myself, I “get” to use and that momentarily makes me feel like I could be okay.
I just know that my mind is fucked and I’m going to end up in a gutter. I keep coming back and trying rehab and failing. How many times does someone fail at this before they just have to accept this is who they are?
I just know I am going to die this way
Hello, I can’t relate to addictions because I don’t have any experience with those issues, but I can talk about your loss.
It’s okay to grieve for your father even if he was an asshole. He was still a big part of your childhood and it’s not shameful to feel bad about his death no matter how terrible of a person he was.
And it’s okay to hate him and be angry because of what he did.
I recall when you posted about finding out about your dad’s passing. I feel like it’s been one huge trigger for you as It’s opened up a very deep and personal wound that has conjured up all sorts of very powerful emotions. All these different emotions have probably been confusing and you’ve needed a way to take care of them, move them somewhere else or get rid of them.
It sounds like you’ve relapsed since his passing? I Want you to know that it takes a tremendous amount of strength to somehow keep clean when a significant trigger like this happens in a person’s life. Do you have a group that you’re in that you can confide in? I know that one of my best friend’s has been able to stay clean for several years now only because he’s got his AA community to help him through the times that he wants to get back into using.
Additionally, with these very powerful emotions coming back up sometimes, as a human, it seems like the only way we can take care of them is to expose ourselves to the very thing that caused us trauma in the first place. This comes from a place of familiarity, a sense of control, and a sense that maybe…just maybe this time I’ll be able to get over it. In the moment it blankets us with a sense of safety and serenity, only to come back with a vengence and a fury.
It’s honestly a natural thing that many people do to feel okay about what ever trauma it is that they’re dealing with. Even people who are “healed” will sometimes get huge subcouncious urges to do things that bring them back to those moments. A Helpful Way to Conceptualize and Understand Reenactments - PMC.
This research document does a really good job of describing what you’re going through… lot’s of people do this, so truly, you’re not alone.
I really do hope that you’re able to speak with a professional and you’re able to open up about these things. I feel for you, seriously. From your post about your father’s passing, to this one… you’ve been hurting for a long time and I think that you deserve to be happy and to heal from this torment.
Here’s an update, I had a bad overdose not long after this post
I completed 90day rehab/detox and am currently in sober living and have been in contact with the family who’ve been supporting me through this.
Thank you for sharing this update, @Aaryeet. Well done for going to rehab and taking needed steps towards living a sober life. This world is better with you in it my friend. May this be the beginning of a healing and fulfilling path for you.
