Why can’t i ever get help?

[limeytea]

TW: suicidal thoughts, self harm

no matter how hard i try i can’t seem to get help. i’ve talked to an organization and done so much research, but i still get nothing. there is nothing anyone can do.

i have no future and feel hopeless. i know wanting to move out and have a stable income is so unrealistic. don’t even get me started on wanting an okay mental health, mine is literally too far gone even when i go to therapy. i’m either numb from antidepressants or having suicidal thoughts. there’s no hope for me.

i have self harm and suicidal thoughts almost every single day and honestly i think it might be time for me. i’m too exhausted to carry out an existence that has been hurting me for so long. sometimes i wish my suicide attempt at 11 years old would have happened, i wouldn’t be dealing with years and years of suffering. i’m tired of holding on for nothing. i have a boyfriend and a friend, but i know they can move on, i’m not a big contributor to anyone’s life.

i can’t imagine myself living for another month and that makes me want to just spend my limited amount of money even though my boyfriend keeps telling me not to. what’s the point? why not spend it all if i don’t see myself living?

[Sapphire]

Hi Limey. I’m sorry to see things progressing like this for you. I have had to step back a bit from HS as I too am going through therapy and trying to focus more on myself, but I have still been reading your threads.

Did you ever look into Job Corps? I never see it mentioned in any of your other threads where you go over what you have tried. They will literally house, feed and train you for free. It’s a literal free ticket to a new life. I’m not trying to force you to do anything, I just know it was a huge stepping stone in me getting my life together when I was just a shell of a person overcome with anxiety and depression with no hope of a future and it saddens me to know you are experiencing similar feelings.

I think your boyfriend is right about money for a couple of reasons. 1) Saving that money to buy anything that can help build a future for yourself would be more rewarding for you than spending it on frivolous things; perhaps save for a bike so you have some sort of transportation or maybe some nice clothes. 2) I feel that you will look back on this day after some time has passed and be proud of yourself for sticking through these hard times when it would’ve been easy to give up and spend what little you had just because things were hard.

I understand that it all looks hopeless. It looked hopeless to me for many years also. I assure you there is always a way. Fortunately you have a boyfriend who seems to care about your well-being and I watch everyone here at HS continue to support you. You can do this. Perhaps you just don’t believe it yet.

[limeytea]

i don’t feel safe or comfortable at job corps considering i am a trans person and people in my area are very transphobic. i also am not good in a school environment and from what i’ve looked into, it seems very controlling and uncomfortable. i’d like for that kind of help, but in exchange for being in an environment like that, i don’t think i could. i also heard of horror stories from people being there and how they were unsafe.

[Sapphire]

Limey,

I totally understand! It can be hard to feel safe in a situation like that. I hear you.

My thing is I see you here wanting to end your life on a regular basis. Would you really not even give it a try and keep feeling that way when the only way to go is up? I found the structure there to be acceptable. It was enough to feel secure in that even though I felt like a total loss with no direction, I could still start branching out and try to start making my own decisions, and if I failed they were still there for support.

I guess what I’m trying to say is (especially having been to JC) yes it is hard. It is scary. It is different. But is it worse than dying?

But anyways, like I said I don’t want to force you or make you feel like I’m forcing you. I just really hope to see you happy one day and I know what it’s like to be trapped for years on end. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t have gone there either if I hadn’t hit rock bottom.

I hope you do find a way out, unfortunately I’m not sure what else to suggest. Just please don’t give up. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. As long as there is a tomorrow, there is a chance, however small it may seem. Keep trying, friend. My heart goes out to you.

[limeytea]

i guess i’m just scared of new things despite wanting to leave, weird i know. i’m trying my best to let go and i have my boyfriend who’s trying to get me to keep an open mind when it comes to stuff like that. so maybe i will end up going there, but i’m unsure, i’m looking into all the options.