A few weeks ago I started taking steps to move out of my house… Since then, things at home have been intense between all of us.
Sunday it got real bad. My sister started shouting and swearing like nothing I’ve ever heard before. The hatred in her eyes, in her voice was so real… All because she found her makeup bag open. She threatened to kill me, told me how fucked up I am, accused me of stealing money and medication… Which yea, I guess I used to do that, but, I’m more than a year clean now and if medication in the house is going missing, it’s not on me.
Today it got even worse. My mum told my dad that she is leaving him - it broke my dad to pieces. He’s always said, for as long as I can remember, that if he loses mum, he loses everything. He has no other family left alive. My mum picked me up from work, explained the conversation and then told me she was taking me back home because she left my dad in such a state, but, didn’t want to be around him. I’m so scared that this is truly going to happen, and that it’s going to be the death of my dad… My mum says that because I’m moving out, its made her want to leave as well. I’m starting to think moving out isn’t the best option. My dad is abusive, but, I love him, and the thought of how much this is all tearing him apart is breaking my heart. They asked me to pick up the pieces, and I tried, but, neither of them are willing to even listen… They say they are, yet, constantly blame each other.
I harmed so so badly over this today, my heart is in pieces and I just don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless and I need the pain to stop. I need the second thoughts to stop. I thought that moving out was going to be the start of something good for me, but, now I feel like it’s just going to make it worse… I thought it would help me get better, but, it’s going to be no different to being at home because i’m worried about my dogs, and about my family.
As I’m writing this, I have a huge urge to harm again, I just don’t know how to make this stop.