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Why do I do this

A few weeks ago I started taking steps to move out of my house… Since then, things at home have been intense between all of us.
Sunday it got real bad. My sister started shouting and swearing like nothing I’ve ever heard before. The hatred in her eyes, in her voice was so real… All because she found her makeup bag open. She threatened to kill me, told me how fucked up I am, accused me of stealing money and medication… Which yea, I guess I used to do that, but, I’m more than a year clean now and if medication in the house is going missing, it’s not on me.
Today it got even worse. My mum told my dad that she is leaving him - it broke my dad to pieces. He’s always said, for as long as I can remember, that if he loses mum, he loses everything. He has no other family left alive. My mum picked me up from work, explained the conversation and then told me she was taking me back home because she left my dad in such a state, but, didn’t want to be around him. I’m so scared that this is truly going to happen, and that it’s going to be the death of my dad… My mum says that because I’m moving out, its made her want to leave as well. I’m starting to think moving out isn’t the best option. My dad is abusive, but, I love him, and the thought of how much this is all tearing him apart is breaking my heart. They asked me to pick up the pieces, and I tried, but, neither of them are willing to even listen… They say they are, yet, constantly blame each other.
I harmed so so badly over this today, my heart is in pieces and I just don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless and I need the pain to stop. I need the second thoughts to stop. I thought that moving out was going to be the start of something good for me, but, now I feel like it’s just going to make it worse… I thought it would help me get better, but, it’s going to be no different to being at home because i’m worried about my dogs, and about my family.

As I’m writing this, I have a huge urge to harm again, I just don’t know how to make this stop.

Kayla

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Thank you for sharing Kayla. I’m sorry to hear all this is going on. Definitley not cool that your sister blew up on you and that news about your mom leaving has to be so hard. I know I’ve never been a day in your shoes but I hope you do what’s best for you and if that’s still moving out to get away from your dad who is abusive it makes a lot of sense. I think it’s important to remember that it’s not your job to pick up the pieces. It’s incredibly noble that you tried but it’s unfair for them to put that on you. This may sound out there but it was advice someone gave me that could help in fighting the urge to harm. When things get bad put something really cold on the back of your neck. I don’t fully understand the science behind it but apparently there’s a nerve in your neck that when it gets cold helps calm the nervous system. It sounds so out there I know but since it’s worked for me I thought I’d pass it along in case it helped you too. We’re all here as a community for you!

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Thank you for sharing all of the pain and hurt that is on your mind. I can’t imagine how tight of a spot if feels like for you to be caught between all these hard decisions and relationships. I can sense how torn you are in so many ways just by reading this. I’m sorry to hear that you’re caught in the middle of this. Your concern for your family is not a bad thing, caring for the safety of others is good, but you aren’t in control or responsible for their actions/reactions. They are in charge of their own decisions and I hope you don’t feel the weight of their bad choices and think it’s your fault.
I hope that writing it out helped, even if just a little tiny bit. We are here for you and ready to listen whenever you need to share the heavy things on your heart :yellow_heart:

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I’m totally proud of you for being sober for a year plus. That’s awesome! Do you go to meetings or AA or anything like that? Sometimes places that provide support can help so much even by being silent sitting with people that are similar in some ways. I can see (digitally, that is) that you are in pain about this situation and sometimes I’ve had to do things for me that seem unexplainable to other people namely my family. The only way I feel like I have a fighting chance for my future is to do what I need to do for me - and not in a selfish way - but a way that deals with my past so I can heal. Not stuff the feelings or self-destruct but actually heal so that the patters don’t repeat in the future. It’s not easy and I don’t claim to be perfect in my decisions from the last 4 years - but when I made me my choice or my priority - for the right reasons this time, things started happening that were positive and unlike my past where decisions created the same fucking results, all to leave me standing there feeling like a dumb ass and not understanding how once again, I was in the same spot.

You are incredibly brave for sharing and I totally respect that. I hope you feel like sharing more whenever you’re ready.

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