Is it strange that sometimes I hope I am murdered or killed? I don’t really want to kill myself, but I don’t think I would be upset if someone broke into my house and shot me while I was sleeping or something. Is that something other people think about? The thing I am most scared of in this world is ‘random gunmen’, but here I am kind of hoping that will be what happens to me… I have felt for a long time that I will ultimately die at the hands of someone else…it’s like, I just know it.
I don’t know if this makes any sense…I don’t even know how to control my own head right now or what I’m even thinking about at this point. I just needed to say something to anyone who will listen and not look at me like I’m insane. Idk.
First of all, having that kind of thought doesn’t makes you crazy at all. But it can be interesting for you to question the reasons behind it. An event? A change in your life? Stress about something? A shock? Maybe it’s, somehow, a kind of suicidal ideation but only a doctor or a therapist could tell you this. Sharing about it remains important and I hope it can help you to not feel isolated. So maybe it’s also temporary and related to whatever season you’re going through in your life right now.
I never had that kind of thought, but I can relate somehow with the fact that I thought during a very long time that I’ll die at a young age. And as for you, I could say that I knew it without being able to explain. Truth is it wasn’t based on something tangible and it passed over time. But when I started to share about it with some people that were close to me, I realize that this kind of thought is more common than I thought and not related to me. But it’s a bit sensitive because that’s not the kind of thing people are used to talk about.
I can only encourage you to talk about it with your beloved ones if you can, even if it’s not directly about what you shared here, but at least to see that others can have this kind of thought and to reassure you.
Also if you feel that these thoughts are becoming out of your control, it could be very interesting to talk about it to a therapist so you could work on it. Don’t forget that it’s only thoughts so it’s not harmful in itself. But the specifity of those ones makes me think that it could be really interesting for you to work on the reasons that let them appear at first.
