I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this
aaaa why is trusting people so hard? the past five-ish or so nights I’ve tried to write one of these things but I always delete is bc I have some… let’s say intense trust issues, let’s delve into why!
my sincerest apologies to those of you who have already heard this story but here goes! ig it all started a year-ish ago when I met… hmm let’s call him C, ig that works… I first met C in a dnd group chat and we played minecraft together after that! from the very beginning I noticed something… odd about him
he was good–and I mean /really good/ at convincing me that he was right. to the point where, when I first met him I basically thought to myself, “woah this man is so good at convincing me about things, like he’s twisting around my words and refuting them with logic and how does he come up with a counterclaim for every one of my claims? how does he make it sound so convincing?? this man is amazing!” ig that should’ve been my first warning sign, huh?
on top of that I bonded with him bc he was a really nice person… one of the few (irl you guys don’t count you’re most likely good ppl <3) ppl I’ve found who actually has the cognative ability to empathise and understand me… and all of his friends were literal jerks who, even to this day I hate communicating with bc they’re so… idk how to put this… daft? they just… don’t understand things, they’re annoying as heck, and they are really mean but the story’s not about them yet!
so fast forward to christmas where I was a stupid idiot and mistook aesthetic attraction and strong friendship for romantic attraction! classic me anywhoo I made an animation about him to this one song (oh noo now it’s in my head what have I done) but basically uh I hate that song now bc it always reminds me of him… same with other random things associated to him like a species of bird and weird use of emojis… strange, ik
so basically I had this great friend who I felt like really understood me, like no one else did… I started having these m a s s i v e anxiety spikes and self-worth drops at this time and he helped me through it
and then he suggested therapy. I mean I can’t blame him, but I refused… this will be super important later
our relationship kinda became more tense after that point, but not really… basically just I’d rant to him occasionally and he’d respond with “robyn I’m really worried about you… you should seriously consider going to therapy” or some other mushy bs like that
don’t ask me why I didn’t want therapy, it’s just… idk the idea did and still does repulse me for reasons unbeknownst to me.
and then the all-fateful day of reckoning came. February the (I think) second, 2020. The day that broke my sanity…
so that morning I was feeling really down and was having this form of self-harm ideation that I was just kinda expressing to him… because I could trust him, right? He’d never betrayed me before! I bet you can see where this is going…
He (ig) got so worried about me that he called a hotline on me, and not the good kind… the kind that ruins lives, forces you into counselling, makes your family members come crying into your room… ig that’s why I’m mistrustful of hotlines like that too…
but anyways he needed the school I went to at the time in order to hook me up with the right counsellor… and I still remember the words he said to me in vivid detail… just read this and /tell me/ it doesn’t scream mental manipulation:
“Hey robyn!”
“Hi C! :D”
“hey what school do you go to?”
me: (somewhat suspicious) “why do you want to know?”
“oh! I was just wondering so that we could finally meet irl!”
look at that little bastard right there… I’ll admit he had me fooled for a second, but really!? this is outrage! he knew I really liked him as a person so he used that, bent it to his advantage, and manipulated sensitive information out of me! and it /somehow gets w o r s e!!/ during the massive argument we had after, I brought this very line up and ya know what he said? he responded with “ROBYN OF COURSE I WANTED TO MEET YOU! I CARE ABOUT YOU!” little piece of crap no you didn’t!
hhh I forgot how painful these memories are… anywhoo we have this whole big argument about whether he should or should not have done that, as I did not /ever/ give my consent for him to /force me/ into therapy… At one point I was trying to defend myself and he goes “shut your mouth bi*ch you don’t get to talk after what you did!” after what /I DID!?/ how does this man still have friends!?
then the little traitor was SCREENSHARING this whole thing with [insert bad friend from earlier] and here’s what happened:
“OH AND YOU’RE SCREENSHARING NOW TOO I BET YOU’RE SHARING IT WITH THAT COUNCILLOR THAT YOU LOVE SO MUCH”
[pause bc he was typing]
“NO I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY BEST FU*CKING FRIEND BC APPARENTLY YOU COULD NEVER BE ONE!”
those words right there… that’s what cut me to the core… those are the words that caused my hands to shake, my lungs to tingle with the millions of tiny particles of regret and guilt… those are the words that caused me my first out of two panic attacks… the care I’d given him, the affection I’d tried to show? it was all brushed off as manipulation, and [insert bad friend] was all ganging up on me about it an stuff… that’s where I got my favorite form of insult to myself, right from C’s mouth: “YOU’RE JUST A TRAITOROUS BACKSTABBING GASLIGHTING BI*CH!!” (yes he changed the definiton of gaslighting specifically to suit his needs :eyeroll:)
those are the words tha broke me… for a couple more months I tried to contact him with no avail, until we had our second big argument: where he told me he was tired of seeing my messages in his feed and that I needed to “let the bird fly away”
and between those two arguments, I had another friend, we’ll call him M. I shared all of this with him, and we’re still good friends, just not as emotionally close as we used to be… here’s why: I trusted him with the story of the C situation thinking: “there must still be some good in humanity, right!?” until the day when I was too much, all my ranting and venting and pathetic whining got too much for him, so he said: “robyn if we’re gonna do this im going to need you to stop doing this… you’re a bad influence an if you can’t do that I’ll have to leave” boom. second panic attack. Ever. right there. in the middle of school. my trust in humanity shattered.
Ever wondered why I always accuse everyone of leaving eventually? this is why. It’s been proven that no matter how much I care, or how much effort I put into the relationship, they’ll always leave, because I’m. not. good. enough.
And the grand mental tauma cherry on top of the depresso espresso: (weird metaphor ik I’m so sleep deprived rn ^^")
He came back. Earlier this year, or ig it was last year, in december or so, good old C had the nerve to come back. and the worst part is, he was h a p p y. he was all joyful, wearing the new “unfiltered” identity I’d come to hate… sure he wasn’t filtering himself, but now he phased in and out of his actual caring about people and acting like [insert bad friend here]. why did he get to be happy!? why does he get to have good friends? why isn’t he torn up inside the way I am!?
we eventually, through lots of arguing, came to a sort of “closure.” we resolved things between us and now we can actually talk to each other without me trying to (metaphorically) rip out his larynx. /hj
but isn’t closure supposed to make you feel better? bc it clearly didn’t for me!
so there you go
that’s why I can’t trust people
that’s why I have this “sadistic mind demon” in my head
that’s why my relationships nowadays are so shallow
because the deeper you go in
the more they have to drown you with
-Robyn (I think)