Why I can't trust anyone

I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this I’m not going to delete this

aaaa why is trusting people so hard? the past five-ish or so nights I’ve tried to write one of these things but I always delete is bc I have some… let’s say intense trust issues, let’s delve into why! :smiley:

my sincerest apologies to those of you who have already heard this story but here goes! ig it all started a year-ish ago when I met… hmm let’s call him C, ig that works… I first met C in a dnd group chat and we played minecraft together after that! from the very beginning I noticed something… odd about him

he was good–and I mean /really good/ at convincing me that he was right. to the point where, when I first met him I basically thought to myself, “woah this man is so good at convincing me about things, like he’s twisting around my words and refuting them with logic and how does he come up with a counterclaim for every one of my claims? how does he make it sound so convincing?? this man is amazing!” ig that should’ve been my first warning sign, huh?

on top of that I bonded with him bc he was a really nice person… one of the few (irl you guys don’t count you’re most likely good ppl <3) ppl I’ve found who actually has the cognative ability to empathise and understand me… and all of his friends were literal jerks who, even to this day I hate communicating with bc they’re so… idk how to put this… daft? they just… don’t understand things, they’re annoying as heck, and they are really mean but the story’s not about them yet!

so fast forward to christmas where I was a stupid idiot and mistook aesthetic attraction and strong friendship for romantic attraction! classic me :stuck_out_tongue: anywhoo I made an animation about him to this one song (oh noo now it’s in my head what have I done) but basically uh I hate that song now bc it always reminds me of him… same with other random things associated to him like a species of bird and weird use of emojis… strange, ik

so basically I had this great friend who I felt like really understood me, like no one else did… I started having these m a s s i v e anxiety spikes and self-worth drops at this time and he helped me through it

and then he suggested therapy. I mean I can’t blame him, but I refused… this will be super important later

our relationship kinda became more tense after that point, but not really… basically just I’d rant to him occasionally and he’d respond with “robyn I’m really worried about you… you should seriously consider going to therapy” or some other mushy bs like that

don’t ask me why I didn’t want therapy, it’s just… idk the idea did and still does repulse me for reasons unbeknownst to me.

and then the all-fateful day of reckoning came. February the (I think) second, 2020. The day that broke my sanity…

so that morning I was feeling really down and was having this form of self-harm ideation that I was just kinda expressing to him… because I could trust him, right? He’d never betrayed me before! I bet you can see where this is going…

He (ig) got so worried about me that he called a hotline on me, and not the good kind… the kind that ruins lives, forces you into counselling, makes your family members come crying into your room… ig that’s why I’m mistrustful of hotlines like that too…

but anyways he needed the school I went to at the time in order to hook me up with the right counsellor… and I still remember the words he said to me in vivid detail… just read this and /tell me/ it doesn’t scream mental manipulation:

“Hey robyn!”
“Hi C! :D”
“hey what school do you go to?”
me: (somewhat suspicious) “why do you want to know?”
“oh! I was just wondering so that we could finally meet irl!”

look at that little bastard right there… I’ll admit he had me fooled for a second, but really!? this is outrage! he knew I really liked him as a person so he used that, bent it to his advantage, and manipulated sensitive information out of me! and it /somehow gets w o r s e!!/ during the massive argument we had after, I brought this very line up and ya know what he said? he responded with “ROBYN OF COURSE I WANTED TO MEET YOU! I CARE ABOUT YOU!” little piece of crap no you didn’t!

hhh I forgot how painful these memories are… anywhoo we have this whole big argument about whether he should or should not have done that, as I did not /ever/ give my consent for him to /force me/ into therapy… At one point I was trying to defend myself and he goes “shut your mouth bi*ch you don’t get to talk after what you did!” after what /I DID!?/ how does this man still have friends!?

then the little traitor was SCREENSHARING this whole thing with [insert bad friend from earlier] and here’s what happened:

“OH AND YOU’RE SCREENSHARING NOW TOO I BET YOU’RE SHARING IT WITH THAT COUNCILLOR THAT YOU LOVE SO MUCH”
[pause bc he was typing]

“NO I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY BEST FU*CKING FRIEND BC APPARENTLY YOU COULD NEVER BE ONE!”

those words right there… that’s what cut me to the core… those are the words that caused my hands to shake, my lungs to tingle with the millions of tiny particles of regret and guilt… those are the words that caused me my first out of two panic attacks… the care I’d given him, the affection I’d tried to show? it was all brushed off as manipulation, and [insert bad friend] was all ganging up on me about it an stuff… that’s where I got my favorite form of insult to myself, right from C’s mouth: “YOU’RE JUST A TRAITOROUS BACKSTABBING GASLIGHTING BI*CH!!” (yes he changed the definiton of gaslighting specifically to suit his needs :eyeroll:)

those are the words tha broke me… for a couple more months I tried to contact him with no avail, until we had our second big argument: where he told me he was tired of seeing my messages in his feed and that I needed to “let the bird fly away”

and between those two arguments, I had another friend, we’ll call him M. I shared all of this with him, and we’re still good friends, just not as emotionally close as we used to be… here’s why: I trusted him with the story of the C situation thinking: “there must still be some good in humanity, right!?” until the day when I was too much, all my ranting and venting and pathetic whining got too much for him, so he said: “robyn if we’re gonna do this im going to need you to stop doing this… you’re a bad influence an if you can’t do that I’ll have to leave” boom. second panic attack. Ever. right there. in the middle of school. my trust in humanity shattered.

Ever wondered why I always accuse everyone of leaving eventually? this is why. It’s been proven that no matter how much I care, or how much effort I put into the relationship, they’ll always leave, because I’m. not. good. enough.

And the grand mental tauma cherry on top of the depresso espresso: (weird metaphor ik I’m so sleep deprived rn ^^")

He came back. Earlier this year, or ig it was last year, in december or so, good old C had the nerve to come back. and the worst part is, he was h a p p y. he was all joyful, wearing the new “unfiltered” identity I’d come to hate… sure he wasn’t filtering himself, but now he phased in and out of his actual caring about people and acting like [insert bad friend here]. why did he get to be happy!? why does he get to have good friends? why isn’t he torn up inside the way I am!?

we eventually, through lots of arguing, came to a sort of “closure.” we resolved things between us and now we can actually talk to each other without me trying to (metaphorically) rip out his larynx. /hj

but isn’t closure supposed to make you feel better? bc it clearly didn’t for me! :smiley:

so there you go

that’s why I can’t trust people

that’s why I have this “sadistic mind demon” in my head

that’s why my relationships nowadays are so shallow

because the deeper you go in

the more they have to drown you with

-Robyn (I think)

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Hi Robyn, thanks for sharing all of this with us! I know it mustn’t have been easy and as you said, you’ve been deleting it every time you write it out! So great work!

This is actually quite normal, different sounds, smells ect can heavily be associated with different people or events. They trigger memories that can be happy or sad or traumatic. I can’t handle those heavy lynx deodorants because it reminds me of a certain person who put me through hell. So rest assured you’re not strange.

So up until this point he had been there for you and listening to you about anxiety and other various things in your mind without mentioning therapy? You don’t have to want to go, sometimes people suggest it when they start to hear a pattern of things that worry them.

Perhaps he did eventually want to meet you, but sometimes we don’t see or feel we deserve outside help. It sounds like he had reasons to show genuine concerns about you to the point he risked the friendship. I’ve had someone do the same thing. In hindsight it was probably the right move for them, but you’re right, it does feel like they betrayed the trust.
Now I think I would do the exact same thing for someone I care about if I thought their life was at risk, would you?

Ouch. I’m so sorry he said those words to you. Sometimes the heat of the moment is easy to get caught up in and we can spit words that we don’t mean, but they do so much damage.

Now with this situation, I’ll try be very delicate because I know it’s important to find people to trust, so I’ll tell you my experience. I’ve been in the position where I have had one really good friend I trusted with everything. Sometimes to the point where I’d message them about random shit that annoyed me or when I was feeling down and like you I did not want outside help. What I didn’t think about is that I was unburdening every emotion and a lot of it onto just one person who isn’t trained in dealing with trauma and who was being constantly bombarded with my negative talk. I didn’t think about how that would impact them or about their emotional needs either. Having close friends definitely needs to have some give and take, we need to ensure the people we trust have the right mental headspace and emotional capacity to listen and in return be prepared to allow them space to unburden themselves.
In no way am I trying to insinuate you didn’t have a healthy or close friendship with this person at all, just offering a different perspective on how he may have felt. This is why people like our friends and family do worry and do suggest therapy because they are trained to listen and help us respond to those traumas and built up anxiety.

Not always, sadly. Sometimes it’s about being able to express and listen to both sides of the conversation and experience and being able to walk away, even when it hurts, with the knowledge that it isn’t as messy as it could have been.
You do deserve to have people who will listen and support you and to make deeper connections to people. You also deserve to be safe and happy! You deserve to be able to share you anxieties and fears safely, so I am so glad you came here to do just that.

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Hey @RobyntheLadderBoi,

What a brave thing to do to share with us your story and not deleting it! I can relate to deleting posts and messages so much. Thank you for trusting us with what’s on your heart and mind.

I definitely second what Bimini said already. It could be that he was really concerned and didn’t know what else to do, but of course someone taking action against your will is a very tricky situation. I’ve been in such a situation as well, though the context was different, but I know how absolutely terrible it is to feel betrayed to such a great extent. It took me years to overcome this, which of course doesn’t mean this has to be your story, too. Just to say, beginning to have trust in people again takes time, so it is helpful to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. And this brings me to my next point…

… which is: How much do you care about yourself, your mental health, your well-being? How much effort do you put into this relationship with yourself? It is great that you care for others, but before you do that, it is essential to take care of yourself first. You are good enough, always, but when we don’t believe that about ourselves, no one can ever convince us that we are.

Closure takes time. Letting go and overcoming things happens for everyone on a different timescale. And just to bring that up, a happy face isn’t always a good indicator of what’s going on in someone’s mind.

Thank you for trusting us here! You’re loved and you’re valued. AND: You are enough. :hrtlegolove:

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mhm pretty much

Yea but I mean it sounds really malicious and manipulative, still

kinda an understatement but yes

ok so I’ve been trying to be better with this… I have this really good friend who I share both the good and the bad with and they do the same with me and it’s benefitted both our mental health greatly… they’re so cool

eh…

Why care about yourself when you can get the joy of seeing the people around you happy?

I totally understand that you feel this way. And I’m so sorry it’s been hurting you, I really hope you do some day look back and are happy you’re here with us and have overcome this experience.

So wonderful to hear! It’s such a weight lifted for both people when you can communicated like this. And it makes for deeper connection and relationship. I hope you keep us updated about how you’re going with this.

I can relate to the need to make others happy above yourself. But ultimately, what makes them happy is our presence and what we bring to their lives. If we don’t look after ourselves and treat ourselves with love, then it becomes increasingly hard to share that love with others. And believe it or not, you do deserve that!

Because it will never be satisfying. The deep pain inside of you will never heal this way. You will always need more of the approval. You will always be running after others, trying to make them happy. You will be very prone to people making use of you. You will never be free.

This is neither good for your mental health nor working in the long run. That’s why you have to care about yourself.

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yeah my presence makes them happy but only because I can put a mask on and hide away and compartmentalize every aspect of my being… say one wrong word, slip up once and they’re gone, leaving you with words that cut like daggers

I’m beginning to think it’ll never heal, I’ve been trying to get over this for over a year now…

welp I already can’t escape so like what do ya do?

and why care about myself? what’s so important about me? isn’t everyone always telling me to be “selfless” and to “put others before yourself?” isn’t this the ultimate form of selflessness?

…if I’m selfless enough can it make up for all the bad things I did that made him leave…?

Being something or someone you’re not will make you suffer and negatively affect your mental health, because the foundation for a fulfilling life is living aligned with your true self. And that’s already the answer to your question. We all have this true self. Consequently, living “selfless” is impossible. It’s living in denial of the truth. I am aware that altruism is part of certain teachings, but interpreting this as selflessness is a false assumption in my opinion. When you are connected to and compassionate with yourself, only then can you be truly supportive of others. To do so, you have to put yourself first, always.

If you behaved in a way you’re not happy with, you can reflect on your behavior, think about why you behaved this way, and do better next time. If you feel like the situation requires an apology, you can apologize to him. Beating yourself up is a waste of energy and doesn’t bring you anywhere.

Our bodies come with the ability to heal. No one can take this away from you, not even yourself. However, it really is a long journey and not a short trip. Overcoming how we were programmed by our environment while growing up is possible, but it requires work and patience. It also requires being confronted with knowledge and insights at certain times along the way. Your efforts of the last year contribute to your healing journey. It’s great work that you’ve done and that you can be proud of. You will make more progress on this journey.

One suggestion I have for you is the following: This thought of “I am not important” is a very deep belief of yours. You’re very identified with this thought, meaning that you think this was true. You believe this for a reason, not because you chose to do so, but you can choose to challenge this thought. Look at this thought and observe it. If possible you can project it into the room. While you’re observing it, take a step away from it. Create some distance between yourself and the thought. It is a thought, something separate from you.
If you repeat this exercise, it will become easier to catch yourself when you start to get lost in these types of thought patterns. At first, it really is about catching yourself thinking this and creating the distance between you and your thought.
Maybe you’d like to give it a try.

I genuinely believe in you and your healing journey, and that, one day, you’ll know that you are as important as anyone else and that you truly matter.

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Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. Taking care of yourself first is an act of love. Why is it important? You can’t pour from an empty vessel. If you love yourself and are peaceful, it is easier to radiate this to others.

Caring about others is wonderful. The same compassion for others when we show it to ourselves brings so much peace and comfort and mental benefits, that that alone is worthy of the effort.

I’m glad you’re here sharing your thoughts, and I hope you’re getting some comfort and relief in doing so. You matter, jsut as you are.

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@Sita, but what if I don’t /deserve/ peace…? because the way I see it, I’m not perfect so I’m not allowed to be happy… and ik they have no correlation and it’s stupid but I can’t rest until I’ve done things the /right way./

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if it’s one thing I believe in my whole heart and soul is that we all deserve peace. Peace is the stillness of the soul, the utter calmness of the mind. In a world where so many creatures struggle, peace is the one thing that every creature deserves.

What is perfection? who is perfect? Perfection is a neverending hole, an emptiness we can chase and never truly conquer.
What is the right way? If you know that, then you my friend have found the secret to life and deserve to sit on a mountain and speak this truth!

Who is allowed to be happy? What does he look like? What does he sound like?

If we set ourselves with impossible targets that do not exist, it is an injustice to ourselves. When the human creature is capable of such wonders, when the daily struggle, the daily fight to exist and be good and do good, and do our duty… why would we add such a restriction to it, that we are only allowed happiness in this one condition (the right way) that does not exist?

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@Sita, beause I don’t deserve it… I’ve screwed up so many times that I’ve come to terms with the fact that no one will ever care enough to stay… and how can I be happy when I’m constantly berating myself (unconsciously) about everything I’ve done wrong?

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You know the upside to screwing up a lot? The things you’ve learnt from it!

I’m sure you’ve done things that are beneficial and wonderful and kind, but your brain doesn’t focus on that. Brains tend to like to focus on the negative stuff, and that gives them teeth to bite and torture us. Everyone deserves kindness and peace. Do you have to be held accountable for what you’ve done? Sure. Does that condemn you for life? Nope. Does that define who you are, or who you will be forever? Certainly not!

The question then is how to forgive yourself. How to make peace with the things you’ve done. I am a firm believer in making the best choice today, in this moment, based on all the info you have, the resources at hand, your mental state.
Tomorrow, next week, next five years when you look back at those decisions, you can know that you did the best you could have, and there is no need to beat yourself up or regret that, even if they look like bad decisions now. Often, we make decisions that help us survive the immediate trauma, the immediate situation which may not be ideal.
This is why meditations, mindfulness, and deep breathing help - they help us have a moment to pause, to get our brains to refocus and calm down and then help us make a better choice sometimes.

You deserve peace. Nothing you’ve done denies you that.

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@Sita, that… actually really helps, thanks… I really appreciate you sticking here with me despite my cough very pessimistic attitude ^^"

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always here to help friend, and to remind you in the future that you are indeed worthy :slight_smile:

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