Why I'm ending my life

So I’m not sure if you’ve been in this “state,” before; I say “state,” because it’s way more than just thought and emotion. I can’t really explain it, but I’m sure you can get an understanding of what I’m talking about. It’s the most painful state I’ve ever been in. Ik ik, “it’s not gonna last, tomorrow is gonna be better…” Yeah well guess what? When it gets triggered, it comes back again. So saying that I can still make it till tomorrow and not be in the same state is honestly irrelevant. In order for this to be the case I would have to be in a vulnerable state of mind, for instance an anxious state. I’m always anxious whenever I go out of the house so, ig I’m doomed to be suicidal forever. This isn’t me beating myself and “choosing,” to be negative; it literally is the truth; I cannot and will not be able to afford professional help for the next five to eight years, so I’m completely helpless against it all. I tried every online platform I could get my hands on but I always get “Our clinicians aren’t registered in your country, so we cannot help you.” There’s no suicide hotline in my country either. I’m COMPLETELY Helpless. Theres no way for me to go. Suicide is the only solution I can afford; I couldn’t care less if it were a “permanent solution to a temporary problem,” it’s still a solution. I don’t want to do it honestly, I would love to see what’s it like to not have an anxiety disorder; but these are just dreams. I wish I could afford to get help. How could I not be hopeless when I’m helpless? I keep delaying my suicide only to find myself at the same place all over again. There’s no point anymore. I can’t seek treatment, I can’t do shit on my own and I cannot keep living like this.


Hi there Hemadoha,

I am sorry you’ve been feeling this way lately. Things may be hard now, but -as you said- it is indeed a temporary problem. I understand it is definitely a situation that consumes all your energies, and it hurts so much… but that’s not what it will always be! You have control. You are strong. Strong enough to stop yourself. You have been brave enough to share this with us today, and you are loved! Things will get better for you. We both know they will. There has been bad times before, but they’ve always been followed by good times as well. It may be hard to see it now, but things WILL get better. I know you are strong enough to make it through this, and we are here to give you a helping hand. If you don’t mind me asking, which country are you from?

All the best :heart:,

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I’m from Egypt. Uuh, yeah thanks for your kind words, I appreciate it, but realistically, it’s completely irrelevant to say " it will get better." Because it literally will never. I can’t expect an illness to go away on its own without treatment. That would be a miracle and I don’t feel like living for a miracle. I know what you’re thinking you’re just gonna copy-paste a hotline you found online; yeah, they don’t work. All attempts at a hotline fail here. You can read this article for more information. https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/57448/Egypt-needs-to-activate-hotline-to-support-suicidal-people-Psychiatry

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Hey @Hemadoha, thank you so much for being here. So sorry to hear about everything you are going through because it sounds incredibly difficult. You must feel completely helpless and alone, but it also sounds like you would like to see what life would be like without an anxiety disorder if that help was available. I am no expert and I know that you said you have tried all of the hotlines and they have not worked, but I do know there are some text and chat lines available. I also did a quick Google search and it looks like 762-1602 might be an option for Egypt? Again, I know you said that you have tried them all and I know very little about the situation in Egypt, but if there is any small chance of getting you the help that you need, I figured it was worth a shot. Those links are posted below.

Also, I know that this community isn’t necessarily a trained therapist, but I believe that this community can be extremely helpful. There might be some one here that has been through similar experiences as you and might be able to share what has worked for them. I’ve had anxiety my whole life and have been to a bit of therapy for it, so I would love to share more if you would like. I haven’t been through exactly what you are going through, but I personally believe that there is always hope for a better tomorrow and I truly want the best for you. You are not alone friend.

Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741

National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

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Yeah, I have tried these hotlines; they all went out of service due to lack of donations. as I said, you can read the article I sent previously. There’s nowhere for me to go. It’s not that I can’t see a way out, there is no way out, other than death. So I’m forced to do that. I made suicide a plan for today, I have no idea if I’ll die or not, hopefully I do.

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Hey @Hemadoha, could you please reply to this message? I would just love to know that you are safe and still here. And yes, sorry I had read that article but saw that it was from 2018 so was just wondering if anything had changed.

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Hey @Hemadoha,

I’ll start by fast-forwarding this conversation and skipping over all of the things you’ve already heard (“it will get better” or “hold fast” - they are true, but if you’re not hearing them, that’s ok). I hear the frustration in your post, and I’d like to address it.

It sounds like people that have spoken into your situation have also told you that what you’re going through is a choice. That may be an over-simplification there. Yes, we do all have our choices, but sometimes the choices we’ve made in the past can make our future choices incredibly difficult ones to make. It can very very much feel like we do not have a choice. And further - the reality of medical care for you seems to be that you can’t afford of access it (which isn’t your fault; the system is broken and doesn’t work well here, and I’m assuming it’s the same in your country).

But! I must disagree with your statement. You are not helpless. Hear me here - because your feelings are valid - I know it feels like you’re helpless. Heard and understood. But from where I’m sitting, I must disagree and say that you are not.

Secondly, you say that suicide is the only solution you can’t afford - the only way to go. I hear you on that one too. Here I want to pick a fight with how word “solution” is used here. Suicide is not a solution, because it doesn’t solve anything. Furthermore - the underlying statement that’s being voiced here is that everything would be better if the pain just went away.

Your pain and struggles aren’t going to go away.

Don’t lose hope here. Stick with me.

The way we see the problem is the problem. Your pain, your suffering and struggles can be used. They can be dominated, forced, told to serve you and your purpose here. They can be used as tools to learn from - to study how you react to life, to dive deeply into yourself and ponder what happened in the past and how you can build and develop yourself to withstand - and not just withstand! - conquer the future.

What your pain and struggles aren’t telling you is that you are the Master. You allow them in the door and provide them a seat (I know it doesn’t feel like that, so don’t take that one the wrong way) - or, you tell them to wait outside until you’ve had your damn coffee.

This is a hopeful statement. It’s hopeful because it means you are in control. It means that, over time and careful introspective study, you can flip your pain and you struggles into meaningful learning tools. Later in life you might even be thankful for them.

The pain doesn’t go away but we get stronger.

But it doesn’t just miraculously happen - I’m rereading your post and I can tell - you’ve tried. Many times. That’s ok - it’s all part of the journey you’re on. It won’t all just fix itself today. But by orienting yourself toward healing, you’ll put yourself on the right path.

Here are two things you can do right now to help yourself:

  • Type your country in a reply to us right here. We’ll set you up with a crisis resource that you can use when you’re feeling suicidal. That’s step #1.
  • Read this blog I wrote some years ago.

Alright, let’s do this thing. Talk soon friend.


I found this - have you tried it?

Also, I second what @HS_John has said. I believe we all have the strength within us to overcome our hardest days, however long that may take. From my lowest fall to rock bottom and back up again took around 13 years. I was hopeless at the start of that journey but I am not hopeless now. And those experiences definitely made me who I am today.

This journey will not be easy. It probably won’t be fast. At the end of the day though, if nothing else, the journey is possible.

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