my boyfriend and i have been together now (long distance) for 8 months and everything has been great apart from me. i don’t think it relates at all but is worth mentioning beforehand that i’m diagnosed bipolar and take meds for it. every issue we have had, we’ve been able to just talk out since they’re usually silly and it’s MOSTLY just me feeling hurt or upset about things i shouldn’t or sometimes should. he always takes a patient approach with me and tries not to upset me and tries to do better which is why i feel even worse about this. i know how annoying i can be and i know ive annoyed him with plenty of things before, as has he with me, but i just keep fucking doing it. i just keep getting so upset or angry over things that don’t matter at all. i think im distrustful. i don’t believe he would ever cheat on me but i think my own abundance of self hatred and insecurity combined with past experiences has made me feel distrustful towards him. he’s never done anything wrong btw, im talking about past experiences with other people. when he and i met, it was a week after he had cut off this girl he liked for a year and a half . she was essentially using him and just a shitty narcissistic whore all around. it never bothered me, at first. i honestly realized i liked him pretty early on and he did as well. we spent a lot of time together and became best friends but for a year we didn’t date because he couldn’t get her out of his mind or was still angry about how she treated him. he cut things off romantically between us after a few months of us talking because he didn’t want to lead me on or give me false hope for anything (because he didn’t know how long it would take to get over her). you can imagine how hurt that made me feel but it was reasonable and i couldn’t be too upset. knowing all of that is probably when my obsession with her began. tracked down all of her friends, city, gathered everything i could and always stalked her profile for new photos. she’s so much prettier than me. i’ve talked about this with him before because it eats and eats at me but she’s so much fucking prettier than me and every time i’ve said it he’s always said that i’m beautiful and nobody compares or something along the lines of that and i know i should believe him and i know he wouldn’t lie to me about it but it doesn’t leave my mind. how does he go from liking that to me??? i feel so disgusting and it never goes away. it’s been over a year of me stalking her and every little thing i find out just makes it so much worse. that’s one problem of mine that i just can’t seem to let go of for some reason but another is how much i hate some of the girls he talks to. he doesn’t even really talk to many people other than me and it’s usually just for a day that they’re playing something that he does but the girls he ends up around all annoy me. they all have a certain… “personality” that angers me. i hate the thought of any of them thinking anything about him. i hate the thought of someone trying to take him from me because im not good enough. why don’t i feel good enough?? he constantly reassures me i am and it just never gets through to me. why? i want to be happy with myself for ONE day so i know what its like and can just try to let go all of these insecure stupid feelings that constantly get me in trouble. i almost forgot that i made this post for a reason LOL. the unhealthy love that i have. he’s said it’s unhealthy himself because of how obsessive and clingy i am and how i feel so lonely when he’s gone and get so anxious over everything he does without me. i agree with him but it hurts to hear. i truly have no idea how to fix myself. this all started because he was playing a game with a friend and didn’t tell me so i got a little sad and wondered why he didn’t tell me and he said it’s not a requirement for him to tell me every single thing he does. i just want to know. i hate not knowing everything. not knowing everything gives me severe anxiety and just leaves me in my stupid fucking bed rotting and crying. i don’t get why it’s so upsetting for him to tell me when he’s doing something or what he’s doing. i’m not mad at him for it anymore but i just don’t understand why? it makes me feel like he had a reason to not tell me/doesn’t want to tell me or is trying to hide it from me. it just sucks. i wish i could just react normally to things and not always be a passive aggressive bitch about everything. i don’t want him to leave me. he’s helped me more than anyone ever has. more than all of the people i’ve ever met combined in to one ever have. he is everything to me and i love him with my whole heart. i feel like he will leave me one day if i keep up how i am and i don’t want that to happen. i want to be better and i try but i always end up back in this state. i’ve fixed and worked on so many things but these ones i’m writing about are the hardest to change. i just want help. i’ve also been having a really rough time lately. i relapsed (sh) after 8 months clean and have had the worst anxiety in months the past week or so. i also barely have any friends since im picky with the people i talk to (i just don’t like people with simple copy paste personalities that seem like they’re unable to think for themselves tbh which is 90% of the people i find). i desperately eant more friends to do things with (online) but i can’t seem to make any. i try to talk to people and i usually get ignore and im not sure why and i reread chats to see if maybe i was being weird or rude but i wasnt. i always make sure to be nice to people and still be myself. i’m honestly not that nice of a person but my hostility is only really aimed towards the 90% i mentioned. my boyfriend has told me numerous times that i need a hobby or friends to do stuff with when he isn’t talking to me or there and i agree because it’s horrible for my mental health. i just don’t know how. the current friends i have are all draining to me. i like my one friend ive had for the past 7 years because she always actually engages in conversation with me that isn’t just about herself. everyone i talk to now ONLY seems to be interested in talking about themself and then asking how i am and i just don’t want to talk anymore because every single time we speak, its a repeat. i think im a bad friend for this but im never rude to them and i do care, it just feels eh. i want to have fun and laugh with people. i lost my friend group bc the main friend in it was really weird all of a sudden even though we had been good friends a year prior and stuck together throughout every group we had. there was this 15 yr old kid who had a crush on em and i thought it was gross and mostly ignored him but he would occasionally make sexual comments towards me and i told him to stop but then the friend (m24) would encourage it and laugh and i got really upset and complained about it only for that friend to ask me if ive been taking my meds after reacting like that. i cut him off after that. his friend and the kid both ended up apologizing to me and felt bad about it but he never did. i’ve just been talking to my boyfriend since and occasionally a friend or two. very occasionally. it’s been six months since then. i feel so lonely. i also really have to pee so i’m going to end this here : p i feel better about typing my feelings out without feeling like i’m just repeating everything and being a nuisance now. it killed some time too which i’m grateful for. OH and i didn’t mention i’m f20 which was why the comments were extra weird. oopsies.
also grateful that i haven’t needed this site in so long but whenever i do come on here it makes me a little sad and i miss the people who i would share replies with :, ) i hope they’re all doing well