Why is the darkness still here? (Long intro, sorry)

2018 has been possibly the roughest year of my 20 year old life so far. I made the decision to move out with my at the time girlfriend in January and everything was going smoothly for a little while. Soon after I decided to end the relationship for a multitude of problems on both ends. The way she acted alot didnt do so well for my mental state and I felt it was better to end it now then live in the shadow of someone elses happiness. After the breakup, we went back and forth for a good 3 months, not talking then talking then sexting and back again, because we couldnt face the realization that is was over. It eventually ended when she got another boyfriend. At this point everything of hers was out of the apartment and we barely spoke. There would be times she would text me casually and it really fucked me up inside because I was anxious about what she was doing. Why try to keep in touch anymore? Each day that passed after the breakup got worse and worse. I started doing worse at my job, coming in less, barely making rent because i was using all my money on food, music and concert tickets to cope with the sadness, multiple close encounters with suicide, speaking with friends less and losing all contact with my father and his side of the family. I felt helpless and that I did this to myself so I was even worse on myself because of it. Being broke and hungry didnt help either because i didnt even have the food to binge eat if i wanted to. Surprisingly though, things started to come through for me. July 19th, I went to my city’s Warped Tour stop with 2 of my best friends. It was my first music festival and one of the best days of my life. Soon after on August 9th, I met my newest idols in All Time Low and saw them side stage at the best concert of my life so far. If you ever have the opportunity to meet your idols, do whatever you can to do so, its a surreal experience. Things were getting better. 2 ATL shows and Warped Tour with some of my favorite people and its only August. Then everything skyrocketed 2 days ago on September 7th when I was able to see some more of my idols in Gold Steps, a pop punk band from Austin, TX. They put on an amazing show and I was able to chat with the lead singer when i got there and met the rest of the band before they left and had them sign my CD I had. I told the singer that without her and GS that I probably wouldnt be here and how much her lyrics and sound meant to me and that made her extremely happy. It was a perfect night and I would relive it forever if i could. After I left I promised myself that I would put all my effort in my dream of playing music and singing.

So with how much of a turnaround of a year ive had, why am I still sad? Why do I still feel empty and lack of care for myself? After such a long stretch of good why is it still wearing down on me? If anyone has had a similar month or year, how did you break through it?

Hey friend,
I’m so sorry to hear about what happened at the start of the year. That really is rough man.

I’m really really happy that you got to meet some of your idols, that is incredible!!!

I know what it’s like to have a happy moment but still have that nagging sad feeling. I worked out I got sad because I was always waiting for the shit to renter my life and to be back to square one. Maybe it’s the same for you?

I help my self by scheduling a self-care type of thing. Every night before I go to sleep I write positive things on post-it notes and stick them on my mirror so that when I get up I see them. I find this helps a bit.

Or maybe just try telling yourself positive things. When I feel sad I write, that to me is productive so usually it helps.

I find being productive in whatever way sort of stops me thinking about whatever is happening in my life and gives me time to just relax but without thinking to deeply.

Sorry that sort of came out as rambles :upside_down_face:,
I hope some of this helps,
I’m here for you friend,
Hold fast,

Luna <3

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Hi there @Cryo! ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ

I’ve been kind of going through something similar.
I got out of a toxic long term relationship last year, and though my life has significantly improved I still find myself feeling rather sad and broken every now and then.

It sounds like you’ve been having some wonderful experiences to help you recover from your relationship! And judging from what you’ve shared you may still just be mourning the relationship subconsciously - especially if you haven’t given yourself the space and permission to fully mourn the loss and hurt that you went through earlier this year.


It takes time to heal from wounds caused by broken relationships. Especially if you were with your SO for a long time. And not much time has passed since your breakup and the events after leading up to July 19th and present day.
And sometimes, it can feel like we should be all better and recovered after a certain amount of time and positive experiences.
But sometimes…we still just have days or spans of time where we’re sad. And we just need to be patient with ourselves and take it one day at a time.


I really like writing and saying positive things about myself to help get me out of those sad periods!
I find also that simply acknowledging the fact that I’m sad and maybe I just need to have an “I’m sad” day helps as well.
We can’t expect ourselves to be positive and happy 100%, but we can absolutely bounce back after giving ourselves permission to be sad.


I think continuing to have positive experiences, and getting out of your comfort zone helps as well!
You mentioned you have a dream of playing music and singing. Keep working towards that goal! Music is an amazing creative outlet and it’s something you’re passionate about.
It may help you to work through these sad feelings to maybe write about what you went through. Or maybe write about where you want to be in your journey of self-growth! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و

Hold onto that fire for your dream you got from that night meeting the lead singer of Gold Steps and let that help shine a bright light through this period in your life as you take things one day at a time. :sparkling_heart:

-Deer

ps don’t apologise for having a long intro! I think sharing background information and details leading up to a question you may have helps us all have better context which will better help us help you! ( ´ ▽ ` )

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That would the most sense to me honestly, maybe im trying to rush the pain out without properly healing with time. The days can become weeks very quickly when it comes to spans of sadness, but theyve mostly been a day to day thing here recently, which is kind of a positive I guess. Acknowledging my sadness doesnt do much for me anymore really, and I dont have many things at all that I find positive in myself. Maybe that can be something to work on now. As for positive experiences, I have a good amount on concerts left in the year! Sometimes I wish I could just skip to each show and go from there because I get so anxious about them. Ive actually been looking into vocal coaches and guitar teachers in my area so im hoping to budget myself accordingly so im able to get started on all that. It seems I have alot to work on this year and next. Thank you so much for the kind words!

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No need to apologise for rambling! Im the same way lol. I actually tried writing my anger and sadness out when this all started and it worked for a bit but I stopped when I started going through alot of bullshit that was kinda unavoidable. Maybe I could start it up again and see where that goes. Thank you though, im here for you too friend!

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Hey man if you ever want to rant just message me if you want to,
Maybe try just typing everything out, I find i helps making more sense of the situation when it’s all written down in front of you.
Here for you!!
Luna :heart:

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