Why Suicide Seems Like A Good Choice

[Monkey]

It’s been over a year since I’ve posted a topic here. But I felt like now would be the time to come back, and maybe seek some closure.

I’m tired. I’m tired of the way that I’m feeling, I’m tired of waking up anymore wishing I didn’t and I’m tired of letting people down. I reached out to some old friends as of recent, and to no surprise they either didn’t respond, or they just kinda pushed me aside and said I burned that bridge, which I mean I guess they aren’t wrong.

And I guess it doesn’t matter, but I recently made a post under another name, but I’ll just copy and paste it here.

For anonymity sake, we are going to call the guy J. J and I have been talking for almost 3 months now, and when we first started talking things were great. We played games together, we hung out, and life was good. We opened up to each other, and we had been through some similar things, and we in some sense no matter how bad it sounds, we connected in our pain together.

About two weeks ago, I was talking about my current relationship and some things that had been going down. He told me that he felt like I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and after reaching out to a hotline, they confirmed it was. But I was scared, I didn’t want to walk away, I didn’t know how to walk away. So instead when I got back from vacation, I went back to him.

Then, he hurt me. He pushed me down and I broke my collar bone. And I was so fucking afraid, I was scared. I didn’t know how to tell J. Because I knew he would just tell me I told you so, but surprisingly he didn’t. He was there for me. But here’s the issue, we could talk about it for a day, maybe two, but then when I would bring shit up, he would get pissed off and tell me to move on, it’s not worth crying over. But I didn’t get over it that quick.

Three days past from the incident… and well he stopped responding to my messages. It was my birthday, and he didn’t tell me happy birthday. And so after 3 days of reaching out, I broke. I told him I was like if you don’t want to talk to me, just tell me. In which he told me “I can’t talk to you until you’re better.” He said that he ghosted me because he was going to say some shit that would destroy me.

So now I sit here thinking, did he ever care? What did I do to deserve this? And how do I move on? Every time I’m hurting, or something exciting happens, I want to reach out to him. But I can’t. I mean we are still friends on snap chat, and I still see his story, but he’s moved on, and left me back.

So to be honest, suicide just seems the way out. Because if I’m not alive, I can’t be hurt, and then I can’t hurt anyone. All I’ve done all my life is hurt people, and get hurt. So I’m over it.

[My4whlrx]

I can understand you feeling that way. I’ve hurt a lot of people too. There’s nothing we can do to change our past. And ending our lives won’t solve anything. I am here for a reason, for a purpose, and you are too. I’ll be praying for you.

[Zlata]

I can understand your feelings right now, because I also met a very interesting person in social media. He came to my life while i was really broken and wanted to end my life. Some people say that we got right person in right time. I have been talking to him for almost one year. It very hurts that until now i just don’t have a chance to see him in real life. Thanks coronavirus…But anyway, even when i have a nice conversations with him, i’m still afraid that he will leave me. Many friends told me that it’s better to find someone in real life, but i’m really used to talk to him every day. Even when everything is good between us, i’m still afraid to fall in love with him. But i also prepare myself for bad things, because it’s difficult to believe someone in our fake world…Please try to be strong, because you are really important to your family and i’m sure they don’t want to see your tears. Take care of yourself

[Wings]

@Monkey

So now I sit here thinking, did he ever care?

I think he probably did care, but lacks emotional stamina. You didn’t do anything to deserve his sudden shift in behavior. I think he has yet to develop “empathetic resilience.” Lots of people have that problem.

It hurts to watch someone that you care about become hurt. It’s frustrating to see it happen when you know and have tried to convince the other person how to avoid that injury and pain. He may feel that by not taking his advice, you are rejecting him. That might also be the reason that he ghosted you out of fear that he may make things worse.

I think that after a bit of time passes, the two of you can begin communicating again.

You do need to change your circumstances. You are in an abusive relationship, and the effects of that abuse is damaging you emotionally as well as physically. It’s also damaging your connection with others, including “J.”

It may help to let him know how much you appreciate his caring and advice, even if you have not followed it.

He is very wrong about one thing. What you have been through is worth crying over. It sounds like he has been brought up to believe that crying is a sign of weakness. In truth, it’s an emotional release, cathartic, and a frequent first step toward developing personal strength and emotional resilience.

There is a chance that he believes that by being a hard ass, you might be more motivated to make needed changes in your life.

I think you guys will end up being closer again, though a bit of time may pass before that happens. In the meantime, you are both growing in experience and wisdom.

Suicide is not a good choice. It robs you of all other choices. You have invested a lot of effort into this life. Payoffs will come. As long as you’re around, there will be times that you will realize that both the pleasant and painful experiences you’ve been through have helped you become the person that you are and it’s all been worth it.