I been on this earth 41 yrs. This is the first time I ever posted I feel numb and worthless I was never worthy enough for a man to treat me right I did everything from cooking Cleaning having children and tried to keep my man happy but I was never good enough I was to fat to ugly I felt like I was standing in water up to my nose about to drown all the time I’m ready to give up I was always hurting inside ever since I was a young girl. My dad would tell me not to argue just be quite and to please him I did I been abused by men my whole life. I mean not sexually abused but always got hit slapped or called horrible names. At one point I started to cut myself and everytime I was called a whore I would rub my hand over those cuts and somehow I would feel better. I knew I had to get out of that situation I almost died. I ended up in the hospital with brain injuries. Now I’m feeling worse than ever I lost my job my house all my belongings but I had my life and two children. But now I had to deal with this brain injury from the beatings I would get. I became anti social I am still perfectly fine with not having friends or a boyfriend but I want to die I cry alot I am only here because who will care for my two youngest children if I died everybody would be upset with me if I end it now. I have masked this pain for years actually as long as I could remember I do not even know where it came from I hear myself saying I’m ugly I’m fat I’m worthless I stink I never good enough so I honestly protect myself from another human being from saying that to me (it would crush me) I stay away from people I’m ready to die I’m so tired of hurting it never goes away
First of all. You are so important. You are valued. And everything you have expressed is valid. You need to know that.
Secondly, I’m sorry that you have had to go through such traumatic and awful experiences. I know the life of being abused by people. Not just by men, but my family. In my relationships and by bullies through our school. I carried those bruises and scars and I’m so sorry that you have had to go through all of that. You deserve so much better than that.
I know things can get dark and it can feel hard to carry on. But your children would feel so awful if you were to leave them behind. You don’t have to go at this alone my friend. I hear you. I see you. And my heart breaks for all that has happened to you.
I’ve pushed myself away from people for a long time due to the pain I’ve suffered. I find it hard to trust people. I’m down on myself all of the time and I constantly feel like that I don’t deserve to be liked because I’m not prettier or skinner. I understand all of those toxic emotions.
But you have to know how incredibly important you are. I hope that you can find someone, even in just friendship, that can and will lift you up and make you feel loved. Accept you for all that you are. Embrace you for who you want to be. And I hope that they encourage you.
I’m sorry that you’ve been left to feel so bad. I certainly can relate. I care about you and these thingngs that you feel. And my inbox is open if you need a friend. I may be slow sometimes, but I’ll get back to you as I can.
You don’t have to go at this alone.
Hold fast sweet friend.
wow, couldn’t imagine dealing with that kind of abuse, in addition to the mental abuse (we all give ourselves). You are incredibly strong and resilient, and I guarantee your kids love and respect and need you, and you deserve that from others in your life as well.
Thank you so much for the reply I didn’t think anyone would reply. Thank you for those kind words. It’s believable I believe you but it’s hard to keep believing that I am worth something I know my kids love me. I let my parents down I was doing so good with my career had my own house to supporting my children having a good life for them 3 yrs passed with good things I made that voice of ugly inside me to almost disappear then it came back strong and ready to take me down again. I never did drugs or drink I don’t even smoke. But I had this negative thoughts about myself I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror I still can’t I use to force myself to look at myself and forced myself to say I was beautiful and I was a good person out loud and at first I thought it was stupid but it started to work I started to believe I was important and beautiful. But after all this abuse I suffered from this last relationship I really was ready for him to kill me so all the pain could just stop. I had given up but something inside me made me fight and run away from him at the hospital they told me I was suffering from severe concussion syndrome I didn’t fully understand what that meant. But depression and anxiety was Likely to accompany this as a “side effect” I told myself all I need is to physically heal and I will be ok. I had to learn to tie my shoes to even driving again. Texting or making any phone calls was out the door too. I ended up in a battered women shelter for women and children. I was embarrassed to be there. We had nothing I mean literally nothing just the clothes on our backs but I was safe. I stayed there a month and I left to stay with my parents for a week or so then I moved Into a townhouse that help women rebuild their lives back together from abusive relationships.(that relationship was only 5 months) after I was here for a few months I could tell I was regaining some of my motor skills I was supposed to go to this dayhab but I told myself I didn’t need it. I told myself I can do this and I told myself that the depression wasn’t real. But I learned that it was it hit me strong. I didn’t want to be around anybody it started to effect my kids because I didn’t want to go outside then at night was when the bad and ugly feelings would replay in my mind I couldn’t sleep at night for months now I went to the hospital Dec 7th 2017 and I’m still feeling this it will never go away I tell myself I’m a person who has a BA in Pol Science and have a dual minor in Criminal Justice and Sociology plus been on the deans list every semester! How can I feel this way? Why do I want to die why do I just want to sleep? I want to give up more than I want to push forward. I want to to learn how to deal with this my last "fix"didnt work I want to be at peace with myself thank you for listening my friend
Thank you so much for this I cry as I hear you read this out loud but I do appreciate you for saying this. Yes it’s true it’s easy to believe what people tell me. At one point I believed that’s the way life is (to be treated this way) I had giving up on people it does feel like it will never get better. Thank you so much for making this video. I thought it was normal I guess it became normal to me. I do like that saying to scream back. Last night was really hard I was ready to die I cried and cried I couldn’t sleep but I found this heartsupport this was a blessing to me. It goes over and over in my head that if I die show going to find me I can’t let my kids find me it would destroy them I tell myself I guess I can wait til they are grown up I want those feelings to stop. I want them to go away I wanted to give up last night today was a better day my daughters birthday I’m sorry my original post was all over the place with my content I really was having a hard time. You made my day thank you for everything you saved a life I feel safe here to express myself on how I truly feel without judgement.
Thank you for your comment just these few comments help me believe there is still good people that actually care I know maybe at one point I may let ppl close to me again but I’m good for now to stay a safe distance this was a huge step for me to even reach out. Now that I think about it there Maybe hope for me I mean I did reach out thank you so much for your reply
I hear your cry my friend. And I’m sending you so much love. You are so important and you don’t have to go at this alone. Stay strong my friend. Keep fighting. Find anyone that is safe to go and be around so that you can have a support system and encouragement. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. For what’s its worth, I’m sending you one.
Hold fast, sweetheart. Things do get better ️