So, it’s been a bit since I’ve posted here because I’ve been mentally and physically unable to reply to your posts or reach out and help anyone, and the few people I have managed to reach out to, well… It’s not gone too well. I already feel like the worst person in the world for that - what kind of person doesn’t help someone in need?
The last few weeks have been so difficult. It’s almost worse than the first 30 days I had free from pills, which, anyone that has found recovery from any type of addiction, will know, those first days are a living hell.
I am constantly exhausted to the point my entire body physically hurts all the time… People suggest hot baths for the pain… Makes sense right? Only, I don’t have the energy to even get up, let alone run a bath. I’m not eating because I’m either not hungry or just don’t really care for it. I mean, it’s not all bad, it’ll help me lose a bit the weight I need to lose. It’s been a long while since I’ve been emotionally exhausted to this extent, and I really don’t know how to help myself back out of it.
If I’m not wanting to get high, self harm or kill myself, I’m wanting to sleep. I’ve fallen back into the addiction of self harm, I am cutting pretty much every other day and I really don’t know if I am in a position where I can stop. I’m back at the point of hearing those voices in my head trying to encourage me to do anything I can to have get a break.
I got pulled up at work about the fact I’m horrendously under performing, now for me that’s massive because I’ve been at my job for 4 years and have always been one of the top 3 employees on my department… Because of all of this going on, I’m now not even meeting the required targets… The following day I phoned into work sick, lying about the reason because I didn’t want to admit it was my depression and now could potentially be in some trouble (I wouldn’t lose my job just yet).
I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like I’m back where I was right at the start when I was heading into my first relapse. I treat the people I care about like crap when all they want to do is help. I know recovery doesn’t take breaks - it’s a constant battle every damn day… but I don’t know how much longer I can stand being on the battlefield. Do I even deserve to still be alive?
If anyone can give any advice at all… Please. I’m trying to hold on, but it’s getting harder each day.
Kayla