Only a few long days after my 1 month mark clean from porn, I’m relapsing and am right back at square one. This has happened so many times idk what to even do or say anymore. But I’ve realized that keeping a scoreboard of my time clean has only worsened things, turning my growth into nothing more than a game of achieving the longest streak of days clean. Instead of desiring freedom, it’s just reduced to a numbers game, where my goal is to count more days clean, not being thankful for freedom or why it’s important. “It feels like there’s no point to counting my time clean if I know I’ll relapse at some point, so why don’t I just give up?” These have been my thoughts recently. I’m starting to feel like this cycle will never end. God never promised us it would be easy, but to just keep being broken down by my own self-destructive nature and weight of my failure? I know that Jesus is the way out, but I still feel helpless. I want to desire true freedom, but I don’t know how to in a way that will truly transform me. I want to get back up, but it feels useless since I’ll just fall right back down again at some point.
Hey @Jakey,
I feel your pain my friend. I’ve been addicted to porn since I began using it as a coping method for my parent’s divorce at age 13. For the longest time I called it a “bad habit”, and that I could stop at anytime. Telling myself it wasn’t that bad. I thought this until my fiance found out about my issues 4 months before our wedding, and I pushed myself to get to a Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) group. It wasn’t until I listened to the stories of other people similar to me, that I realized I was addicted. The first step is admitting that you’re powerless over your addictive behavior. You can’t do it on your own, and you need the help and guidance from people like you, who are understanding and nonjudgemental, and a relationship with Christ. I’ve been sober from porn for over 14 months. It gets better. The first few months were so hard. White-knuckling every time I wanted to act out. But as I’ve gotten deeper into my recovery program, and realized that my own negative beliefs about myself are a trigger to me wanting to act out, I’ve been able to grow and learn how to manage my addiction. It never goes away, and I’ll always have this. My wife and I wed and have grown so much since the reveal. It gets better. I would strongly check out saa.org and find a meeting nearby. It’s scary, but there are guys of all ages. I’m 25 and there are kids who are 19, and men as old as 75 in those meetings. It’s absolutely imperative to your growth out of addictive behavior to get help. You cannot do it on your own, as much as it may feel like you can. You’ve got my support, and a friend in me. The freedom you feel on the other side is unlike anything I can explain.