Wishing my attempt had been successful

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I am so tired of everything. It’s been a while since I’ve written on here and a lot has improved but there’s also a lot that hasn’t.

My own mother told me she doesn’t want me and whether or not she meant it or it was just in the heat of the moment it still hurts. Why would she say that? I feel like I’m constantly being made to be the bad person when I’m not doing anything wrong. I get put in between my 2 sisters and I somehow end up having everything taken out on me.

I wish I had been successful all those months ago. A part of the reason why I stayed was thinking about my family and my parents but it seems like that love and care I feel for them isn’t reciprocated.

It hurts. I feel alone. I want so badly to have parents that love me unconditionally but lately it has become more clear to me that it’s conditional.

I feel like I can’t tell my friends any of this because I don’t want to add to their stress or trauma dump on them. I just feel incredibly alone in all of this and it hurts so badly. I feel myself starting to lose motivation all over again

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Hi @suneater , thank you for sharing your story!

It might be so exhausting to fight for relations and people that you wish to be closer with you, especially when in the end you feel it not getting better, or even getting worse. All of that attention, focus and doing our best being misread, turned around or twisted so in the end we feel as the ones making it worse. It’s frustrating to be a training bag while someone else caused our parents to get stressed, or annoyed. Its not fair to be threaten like that.

I had similar relation with my parents, and despite my siblings causing some issues - i was the youngest , sticking back home with parent and listening to all the issues there was between them… despite not evening part of that… its was just difficult to emotionally monitor my parents, and take care of their feelings, keep them calm, or looking for solutions… Looking back i have feeling that i was parenting them …

What you can be proud of for sure is your commitment and willingness to get everyone in better place. It is not easy, it cost a lot of own needs being sacrificed, boundaries moved - yet no one can take that back from you, that you tried and keep going through day by day. It is yours, and it will always be yours, that you did and trying to do best you can.

We all deserve parental love… we wish to be unconditionally loved and respected. Being able to do mistakes and get their help. Like if there are here for so long, their are our parents, they should be better then us, i feel you…we all can expect that love. In my situation i worked through what i could do about that and how much effort i want to put in getting my parents to understand that. In long run i wont lie, it wasn’t better between us- but it was better for me. I did what i could, i tried my best and at some point i moved on, knowing i cannot leave my needs and life cause their actions. I love them for what they do, i see some good intentions here and there, i see why they are like they are and i am at peace with that - i am better cause of that, i know how important it is to talk about emotions and i feel you got it to :slight_smile:

I hope you be in better place, i do feel your needs, and they are very important and valid!!! There is always someone there willing to listen, talk, help - you are not alone :heart: I root for you and I am sure you are going to solve this.

You are not alone, you are loved :hugs:
Matt

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