Thank you so much for being here. I’m glad you’re here and managed to share about what’s going on. Friend, I’m grateful to you because you exist, because you’re alive and you keep breathing right now. Being here is a first step, an important one.
With all the things you just shared, I can only assume that you certainly feel really alone right know. And I want you to know that you’re not. I hear your resignation and it makes sense to feel this way in such circumstances. But there has to be solutions to overcome those obstacles progressively. When you feel overwhelmed, it can be important to try to slow down as much as possible and give yourself some time to think about it.
Money is a thing, health too and also your relationship with your spouse. It’s a lot to handle at the same time and we don’t want you to get burned by all of this. Every help, every bit of light can be needed, even the smallest ones.
About your spouse: did you have the occasion to talk about all of this with them? Is this something that could be possible? I’m sorry if you already did it or tried. It’s just that when there is an imbalance like that in a relationship, it’s normal to say “I’m not okay and I need you to be in charge now so I can heal”. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m aware that saying this can be really uncomfortable at first and it also depends on how things are between you two. But it can be worth the try. Right now I just want to encourage you to reach out to those you trust around you and might be able to help you to get through all of this. Sometimes it feels more comfortable to isolate ourselves, especially when we feel highly vulnerable. But doing this amplifies our distress.
About your job: I know it’s easy for me to say this, but keep trying friend. You might not be able to find the right one at first. It’s indeed really hard to find a job these days and I know how stressful it is when you see the bills piling up. It feels like you’re slowly drowning and it seems to be a neverending turmoil. But despite all of this, please don’t forget that it would never be worth to take your own life. Finding a different job makes you navigate in a lot of uncertainties. It’s scary. But you can keep searching and going at others interviews. This is what you can do. And this community can be here to support you until you come here and say “this is it”.
About your health: I’m sorry you don’t have an insurance to cover a therapy. I guess there are chances for you to be currently living in United States, and as being in Belgium myself I can helped but being deeply shocked everytime I hear about american healthcare. Not doing any politics here or anything. I just wished it could be different when it’s about important things such as health itself. If it can help, even just a bit, there are some free resources available here on HeartSupport: https://heartsupport.com/resources/ I know what it is to live with chronic pain and my heart goes to you. You are not alone. Also, maybe consider writing on a regular basis about what’s going on and how you feel. Writing is therapeutic itself and it’s still something you can do.
Besides what you mentioned, I’d also like to encourage you to think about what you can do, with the resources that you have, to take some time for yourself. Even if it those difficulties are taking a lot of space in your life, your entire life isn’t only about your relationship, your health and your job. As someone who’s actually sick, who just lost a job because of this and is in a marriage which goes through a dark season, I’m slightly learning to take care of myself despite everything. Not after the situation gets better, but right now. And I realized how important it is.
You can go outside and have a walk on a regular basis, if your body doesn’t hurt too much. You can try a creative activity which doesn’t need a bunch of materials (in fact, we can do more with less when it’s about hobbies). You can try to do light exercises that are adapted to your physical situation such as stretching while sitting on a chair. You can take a few minutes everyday to take some deep breaths and get a break from your routine. It’s just some random ideas/examples of what you can also do from now to take care of you. Even if it seem a bit useless at first I can tell that it’s also important in such circumstances to be able to reconnect with yourself, with who you are. You give a lot of yourself to others already. And the idea is to aslo give something to yourself, something that isn’t related with money, health or family. Even if it’s just a few minutes in the day, it’s still something.
Hang in there friend. You will find again the light that you need.