So I have a bit to say here. About 5 years ago, I had accepted a position as a night auditor for a long-term stay hotel as sort of a swing position. I figured I would get back to working after having a child and not working for 3 months due to my back issues. I thought that if I find something better I would capitalize and move on or that my spouse would help and try to work hard to gain more income. 5 years and I feel I have gained nothing but chunck change here at the establishment. I have had other interviews, however I ha e not received any job offers except one with a big pay cut. As in it was a $2 an hour pay cut and I would not be able to pay the bills. I have attempted to kill myself at this establishment however I obviously failed. My marriage with my spouse is mostly him enjoying his life and his dream job while I have to bust my ass and suffer in pain physically, emotionally, and mentally.
My physical pain is due to me getting hit by a car years ago and I still suffer from it.
I have realized that I absolutely hate my life and don’t enjoy what I do here. I have helped countless others but I always feel very few help me and that’s where I just… Idk… I do not have the insurance to cover therapy but I know that needs to be done. I just don’t know where to begin…
Thank you so much for being here. I’m glad you’re here and managed to share about what’s going on. Friend, I’m grateful to you because you exist, because you’re alive and you keep breathing right now. Being here is a first step, an important one.
With all the things you just shared, I can only assume that you certainly feel really alone right know. And I want you to know that you’re not. I hear your resignation and it makes sense to feel this way in such circumstances. But there has to be solutions to overcome those obstacles progressively. When you feel overwhelmed, it can be important to try to slow down as much as possible and give yourself some time to think about it.
Money is a thing, health too and also your relationship with your spouse. It’s a lot to handle at the same time and we don’t want you to get burned by all of this. Every help, every bit of light can be needed, even the smallest ones.
About your spouse: did you have the occasion to talk about all of this with them? Is this something that could be possible? I’m sorry if you already did it or tried. It’s just that when there is an imbalance like that in a relationship, it’s normal to say “I’m not okay and I need you to be in charge now so I can heal”. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m aware that saying this can be really uncomfortable at first and it also depends on how things are between you two. But it can be worth the try. Right now I just want to encourage you to reach out to those you trust around you and might be able to help you to get through all of this. Sometimes it feels more comfortable to isolate ourselves, especially when we feel highly vulnerable. But doing this amplifies our distress.
About your job: I know it’s easy for me to say this, but keep trying friend. You might not be able to find the right one at first. It’s indeed really hard to find a job these days and I know how stressful it is when you see the bills piling up. It feels like you’re slowly drowning and it seems to be a neverending turmoil. But despite all of this, please don’t forget that it would never be worth to take your own life. Finding a different job makes you navigate in a lot of uncertainties. It’s scary. But you can keep searching and going at others interviews. This is what you can do. And this community can be here to support you until you come here and say “this is it”.
About your health: I’m sorry you don’t have an insurance to cover a therapy. I guess there are chances for you to be currently living in United States, and as being in Belgium myself I can helped but being deeply shocked everytime I hear about american healthcare. Not doing any politics here or anything. I just wished it could be different when it’s about important things such as health itself. If it can help, even just a bit, there are some free resources available here on HeartSupport: https://heartsupport.com/resources/ I know what it is to live with chronic pain and my heart goes to you. You are not alone. Also, maybe consider writing on a regular basis about what’s going on and how you feel. Writing is therapeutic itself and it’s still something you can do.
Besides what you mentioned, I’d also like to encourage you to think about what you can do, with the resources that you have, to take some time for yourself. Even if it those difficulties are taking a lot of space in your life, your entire life isn’t only about your relationship, your health and your job. As someone who’s actually sick, who just lost a job because of this and is in a marriage which goes through a dark season, I’m slightly learning to take care of myself despite everything. Not after the situation gets better, but right now. And I realized how important it is.
You can go outside and have a walk on a regular basis, if your body doesn’t hurt too much. You can try a creative activity which doesn’t need a bunch of materials (in fact, we can do more with less when it’s about hobbies). You can try to do light exercises that are adapted to your physical situation such as stretching while sitting on a chair. You can take a few minutes everyday to take some deep breaths and get a break from your routine. It’s just some random ideas/examples of what you can also do from now to take care of you. Even if it seem a bit useless at first I can tell that it’s also important in such circumstances to be able to reconnect with yourself, with who you are. You give a lot of yourself to others already. And the idea is to aslo give something to yourself, something that isn’t related with money, health or family. Even if it’s just a few minutes in the day, it’s still something.
Hang in there friend. You will find again the light that you need.
First thank you for sharing what you are struggling with thank you for opening up and asking us to help. I may not be in the same position but I have gone through ruts and things that have made me really hate life. I know it isnt easy to get out of them. I also am limited on what I can do and what I am able to do.
I am also sorry your husband doesnt seem to support you have you talked too him about how you feel. Sometimes the first thing we need to do is voice what is wrong. I know for me about 3 years ago I couldnt do a job for the summer and I decided to sit down with my parents and tell them what was up and how I was mentally not able to handle it. Yes it took them time but they did come around to the idea. I spent that summer focused on my mental health and trying to prepare for a year of schooling a head. I know that you work but are there things you do outside of work to handle the stress? Maybe start putting in more stuff to handle the stress I know you mentioned a kid perhaps you could do some walks in a nice park or something. I hope you know that yes sometimes a job becomes the too same old same old and we desire more it is hard.
Hopefully some things I said help but know I am here for you.