So, long story short… my wife and I have been taking a break. We sold our house, split accounts and live separately now. We have a 4 year old son. So we have been hanging out a lot and it’s been extremely hard not to rush, or get upset if things aren’t going how they used to be. I’m trying to let things just happen but it’s so hard because I just want my wife’s love. Today was a hard day because I just feel like non important. Yesterday we would text and I asked her a question and she doesn’t answer, then later I get a Snapchat from her about something else. Then later on she comes back and replies to the question. It wasn’t anything important but it just feels like it’s been a trend. Like she doesn’t feel like talking to me anymore. I brought it up to her and she just says she feels like she’s being attacked and then I just end up always feeling guilty and like I shouldn’t say how I feel. I’m trying not to rush getting back together but I feel like I should express something if it’s bothering me. We kind of brushed it under the rug ( I know it’s not healthy) but what do I do? I apologize and say I’m sorry I’m messing things up. I don’t think she’s necessarily in the wrong, I guess I just want to feel loved, important, needed. But maybe I’m just focusing on the bad. The other thing I’m worried about is that she never wants to post pictures or anything saying she’s with me. Tonight we are possibly going to a comedy special but I worry I’m just going to think about “is she going to want to take a picture with me and post it like she does any time she goes out with her friend?” Im almost 100% sure that there will be no picture taken and that I’m going to be upset and ruin the night. Any advice would be appreciated
Glad to see you are here with us!
Can I ask why being posted on social media is so important to you? Why does it upset you so much if no pictures are taken?
Like, is it more important to have a good time with her, or to take a picture to show others that you had a good time?
In terms of her not answering your texts/messages right away, would it help if you tried to reframe the info?
Like she always ends up answering you, right?
It may not be instantly, or right away. But she will answer your question, She is still communicating with you on a variety of apps. You’ve not been blocked or anything. Aren’t those good things to focus on?
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to want to return to a more traditional married experience with her, but you have to wait to see how things go. Could you take this time and view as getting to know her again, sort of like dating, and giving her the space to express herself as much as she wants while also being able to have some independence. The desire to feel loved and needed and important must be a large, all consuming feeling. Give her some time and some space. You will always be important to her as the parent of her child. Hopefully you can use this time to pursue fun and healthy hobbies and activities that make you happy as well.
You could take the pictures
I’m sorry things ended up the way they did. I remember you had problems with smoking weed behind her back. You had been sober for a little while, how has that been going? Can you show her with your sobriety that you’re serious about mending things with her? If she sees your progress do you think that will help her forgive you?
Like @Sita has said I think it’s important to give her space right now and let her work things out.
There could be a lot of different reasons it took her a while to text you back, it could be as simple as her wanting to think about her answer first. It’s hard not to think the worst, I know I have a hard time with that too, but if it’s really bothering you, ask her. In my experience, most of the time the reason had nothing to do with me.
Even when separated honest communication is important. Assuming and being unsure about things only makes things more complicated and if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, even in the hard times you have to work together. Have you thought about marriage counseling?
Hope things get worked out
I’m grateful I posted here… I hope this replies to both of you. As far as my sobriety goes… I’m 6 days sober… again… I think while going through “withdrawals” a lot of emotions are started to pop back up and unfortunately I let them get the best of me, the day I posted. I’m not going to make it sound like I’m perfect right now but during this sober October challenge I’m trying, I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m trying to understand my thoughts, feelings, triggers. My biggest realization is that when I would smoke, I thought it helped me be more social. But honestly it closed my heart. Looking back at any conversations with anyone, I’m uninterested, on edge, more concerned about me. Now that I’m starting to get a clear head and not have that nagging voice in my head, I’ve notice how much of a difference there is in the way I talk to people. I would never want to talk to my mom. Idk why. I just didn’t want to. Now IM starting convos with her, opening up with her about my marriage issues, and not feeling like the convo is a burden. To be honest, I think I knew the answer to my own question, I just don’t want to believe it. I think I was taking the blame off me. Sarah used to take pics and post all the time. It all stopped when the smoking started. But I never wanted to believe it was me I guess. I definitely am rushing it. I guess the fact she post pics of her friends and not me makes me feel like a secret? Or she’s embarrassed to let people know she’s with me. But I need to be patient if I want this to work. We both are taking this time to figure ourselves out and I’m working so so hard on that right now. We are going to church together and I absolutely LOVE it. I’m exercising, setting goals, reading, listening to motivation, trying to find a interest that I can pursue. I’m learning to be ok as myself. To stop relying on things to help me get over an emotion for the time being. I believe if I can figure out this smoking stuff, I can learn to be happy and I believe she will come around. I appreciate you guys being honest and changing the way I look at the situation. I pray I can continue to grow. Thank you so much for your help and support
this is awesome to hear, friend!!
We are here for you as you go through this journey! You can even keep updating this post (or make new progress posts too), so we can all support and cheer you on.
Sounds like you’re doing the hard work of looking at things as they are, I’m so proud of you! Keep up updated if you’re comfortable with that
And in case you need to hear it today, you’ve loved and you matter
That’s really great progress!
I have a coping skill for urges I would like to share with you. It’s a CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) skill called Urge Surfing. Most people who are quitting a habit or have impulse urges struggle in those moments and sometimes relapse. Urges are normal to have when you’re quitting something habit forming. An urge is not a ‘have to’ and it’s how you deal with them that matters. Urge surfing teaches you to ride the wave of your urge and get thru it without relapsing. I hope this helps you!