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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Falling Away From Me By KORN
Yes … I have borderline personality disorder, brought on my extreme childhood trauma I can relate
I am so sorry that you have endured so much trauma at such a young age, it must be so painful. You are not alone in your struggles, my friend. Show yourself love and know that you will always have someone to talk to here <3
I’m sorry you have known traumatic experiences as a child, friend. As a fellow pal dealing with c-ptsd, I feel for you. It’s hard to be a grown adult and reach the point where you are forced to look back at your past and realize how wrong the environment you grew up in was. That the way you were treated and how it affected you was not “normal”. It feels like the ground gets removed from under your feet and your entire story was an illusion so far. You start seeing how much your early life should have been very, very different, which hurts. It makes you think about how life could have been, which forces you to not only you mourn the safety you didn’t have, but also the childhood you had no change to experience either. Fear was imposed to you at an early age, at a time when you had no way to defend yourself, and you could only do what you could to survive until now.
I understand, through my own story, how painful it is to navigate diagnosis that are the direct consequences of childhood trauma. You’re living your daily life as you can and eventually even reach a point where you feel comfortable advocating for yourself, but some days you also feel this deep wish of throwing it all away. Of feeling completely broken, beyond repair, navigating between hopelessness, anger, grief and sadness intertwined together. Of just not functioning anymore and needing to hide in bed for the entire day, because the world around you would seem too unsafe.
It’s unfair to be the one that deals with the consequences of someone else’s actions, especially when it affects so many aspects and areas of our life in the present. Even though your trauma is not your identity, at times it’s hard to not feel that way. It feels so entangled with everything else that it feels at times as if life only revolves around the past and how it keeps on manifesting in the present - whether it’s in our body, our mind or through the ways we see our life.
If anything, you are not alone, friend. This journey feels lonely, but there are people out there who are on a similar journey as you. We have the strength to heal, to overcome, to re-create ourselves in a world that did not give us a lot of chances as a start. You are, and you will become again. I believe in you, in us, in all the ones who are on this path where healing feels messy, but also a beautiful path to walk on, for we’re doing it for ourselves and because we’re worth it.
Hold Fast.
-Marie-Anne, Heartsupport Staff