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Belongs to: Therapist Fades to Black | Metallica
You mention that suicidal ideation points to a truth and true freedom is in healing. I have lived with actually crippling chronic pain for almost 30 years. I have intended to commit suicide a number of times. What do you tell someone who is in constant, unresolvable pain? It’s never going to get better, only worse. It’s like Office Space - each new day is the worst day of my life. Please, anyone, explain why it’s worth it?
I mean, at least I would no longer be in pain. Unless there’s a hell and I go there, at which point it won’t be much different than now, so either neutral or positive. The only downside that prevents me from doing it is the sadness my wife would feel. But that can only keep you going for so long.
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Hello Friend
Thank you so much for posting, your words are heartbreaking as there are no real answers to the question you ask.
I am so incredibly sorry that you live with this pain day in and day out. It is unfair that anyone at this point in time should have to suffer when there are so many different medicines available. I myself live with pain on a daily basis however it is a relatively new thing so I am still getting used to it (if that is possible) I have also watched my Mum in pain for years and can certainly understand why you have had those times when you have wanted to just get out, I am however thankful for you and for your wife that you didn’t.
Friend, I wanted to write all these lovely words of hope that any day a drug may be found to stop that pain and yes maybe it could but we both know that when you are in agony that doesn’t help you however seeing your wife, hearing her voice and holding her hand hopefully does, knowing that she is by your side makes life worth living? I hope in those tiny moments the pain leaves for a second and you feel love instead.
I wish you many more moments of love. Lisa x
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I’ve sat here thinking about your post for a while. It’s impossible for me to put myself in your shoes and I really can’t imagine what living with that level of pain for so many years is like. We’ve made so many scientific leaps as a species, and yet understanding and treating pain is still something where our knowledge falls desperately short.
I can’t tell you why your life is worth living, I don’t think I could tell anyone. It’s such a big and personal question. Often when responding here it will be to people who are recovering but frustrated by their progress. It’s easy in that situation to ignore the small victories of the every day; even if that’s just getting up or making breakfast. I know that you are not in this situation, but I think there is still some value in it. You’re asking someone to tell you why your life as a whole is worth living, but perhaps that’s too big a question. Life is a succession of small moments and some of those moments are good.
I hope you choose to keep going, I really do. x
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Chronic physical pain is something that I have witnessed in those I love. It’s this unforgiving beast of burden. I have seen it leave my father in tears unable to move for days. My heart aches so deeply and there is nothing more I would love than to take that for him. I’m sure your wife sees you in the same light. That her heart aches and she would go tot he ends of the earth to alleviate your pain.
I know it’s so terribly hard to remind ourselves in the midst of pain whether it’s physical or mental that we are not completely powerless and that we take the small steps to work towards finding manageable fulfilment.
It must be a tiring battle hearing people say that things will get better or that it’s one day at a time, maybe it’s the endless “have you tried…” comments that bombard you.
You know your body better than anyone, you know its limitations during the bad flare ups and even during the lesser ones.
It’s understandable to feel angry, hurt, lost, and to feel absolutely finished. There is so much about pain we have yet to understand and learn, there is so much about human resilience and limitations we have to learn.
At the end of the day, I just hear you. I hear those cries of “enough”. I hear those “I’m only here for my family” thoughts. I hope that knowing you aren’t alone gives some hope to you.
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Hey friend,
I can definitely see how dealing with chronic pain, especially that long, can be taxing on your mental health. Any kind of pain does, whether its mental or physical. It’s pain, nonetheless.
It’s kind of ironic that you mentioned Office Space, because not only is it one of my favorite movies, but it’s super relatable. And you’re absolutely right, every day becomes the worst day of your life. I know in the movie he got fixed by hypnosis, and it’s not a realistic solution, but the idea of you basically putting your mind somewhere else to deal with pain is something I’ve done in the past.
One thing that got me through it is sumo wrestling. Not doing it itself, but reading how they condition and train their bodies, and mental resilience is a HUGE part of it. I got into a rabbit hole reading up on it and was like “hey, let me at least try this. it can’t really make me feel worse” and i definitely noticed a different mindset. It gave me the ability to bounce back from adversity and to pick myself up. It helped me learn and grow.
Another thing I learned is to take things one day at a time. Just thinking about something positive and keeping that thought with me throughout the day.
I really hope the pain can be manageable for you, and you know you always have a voice and a listening ear right here <3