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A year (plus some) tw throughout

It has been over a year since I was last here. There have been many things to take place and many things that have both been terrible and wonderful.

There’s a few trigger warnings- mentions of suicide and drugs if you’re reading this.

I was in a terrible place. I had spoken about the past abuse and loss of family. I had spoken about what my brother was into.
Last time I was here he had been into a rehab program and then left.
Since then my brother passed from overdosing. So I was at a point where my dad, my mother and now my only sibling have all died. I don’t know how my dad died, I never met him. My mother committed suicide, so I took this all as a sign to make an attempt on my own life and I tried damn hard. Obviously I’m not about to give the details out, but I was told many times I shouldn’t have made it out the other side of it. The moments I felt like I was going to lose myself I felt such immense regret. But what could I do? I didn’t want to be remembered like that, and I didn’t want to be defeated like that.

So why am I here? Because I did make it out. There’s one damn person left from this shit awful situation of being abused and then seeing the people I care about get defeated.
I won. I actually won. I don’t feel great, I don’t think life is a party and the days are all magical, but I’m alive. I nearly let myself never experience that chance.
I remembered this place and all the kind things people said to me. All the support they gave to me.
Thank you for those moments because they probably pulled me through.
I am alive.

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thats what we call a W my friend. WELL DONE. hard earned. keep up the fantastic work! oh don’t forget to treat yourself!

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Hey @Whois, I’m so very glad that you made it through such a horrible time. It’s truly great that you’re still with us. I know you’re not out of the woods yet, but maybe your surroundings are getting brighter and that is due in large part to the great work done by you. It’s a true testament to your inner strength.

If you’d like to talk more about how you’ve been feeling lately, some of the wins or losses on your mind, anything at all, I’d be happy to listen. Mainly I’m just happy. I’m celebrating with you. :heart:

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My gosh. @Whois I absolutely remember you and the parts of your story that you so bravely shared on this platform.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been through such a dark path. No one should ever get to this point of being alone with a call for death. I have been there a few times, and it shattered my heart to pieces whenever I remember it. It’s a desperate need for help, for life itself. But the walls to embrace it seem so huge at the time, impossible to overcome or even walk around.

It is such a big relief and such a gift to see you here today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For pushing through despite it all. For surviving through the dark and even more for taking the time to talk about it here. You are right by saying that life does not become suddenly wonderful and perfect. But how fundamental and how powerful it is to be alive, to have breath in our lungs. The possibilities that this reality offers are infinite.

I wish for you to keep growing, healing and thriving. You’ve come so far. And you are here today, embracing the very act of being. What a beautiful realization and what a beautiful gift to share it with us here. Thank you for your words, your uvlnerability, your presence. I hope you will keep finding a refuge in this community for as long as you want or need. You belong.

PS - Sharing here the link to our Discord server and Twitch streamings, in case you would like to hang out with the rest of the community in different spaces/configurations. Let’s keep trying. Let’s keep sharing life together. There is hope. There is vitality. You are loved. :hrtlegolove:

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I owe a lot to my aunt. Back story is basically after my brother and I were abused by someone.
My brother spoke out and after intervention my mum committed suicide and my brother and I went to live with our aunt who we didn’t have much to do with until that point.
She did so much for us and I know we weren’t the easiest kids to have around. My brother got heavily involved with drugs. I just never accepted or spoke about the things that happened.
The sad story of it is that she would never have experienced this burden and pain without us, but I would never have been alive without her.

I can’t express how much it means to think people celebrate the fact that I’m alive today.
You said it well, I’m not out of the woods, but I’ll be damned if I don’t make it now. I’ve recently heard a few people say the same things that the instant they decided to take the step to end their lives that the regret of that decision was so heavy. I just remember thinking “fuck don’t let me die now. I hope I wake up.”
And it’s almost embarrassing when you do wake up. It’s a mixed bag of emotions.

I do remember you @Micro and the time you spent pouring good thoughts into my life. It’s an impact I didn’t fully appreciate or know I needed. I didn’t know then that’s the choice to give up was going to be the worst decision I could think to make. It seemed far too logical and easy.

If I knew all this then. If I believed it then… oh the things that I would do differently. When you think that breath is going to be the very last it’s shocking and terrifying. It’s lonely and not a place for anyone to try to seek refuge in.

I wish I had known that then.

My hope is that someone will read this and know that the thoughts and feelings that lead you to the place of wanting to end life are never as final as actually acting upon it.
I can let go of the resentment I had for my brother. I’m still not sure I can for my mother. It’s something I have to work through. How it seems like the life of someone who hurt us meant more to her than our own lives or her own life. She’s been gone longer than I’ve known her alive and there is no knowing the answers.
You can’t end pain with drugs or suicide. My brother and I both learned that.
If I can live to say that, the. I hope others can too.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Whois, thank you so much for sharing, you brought happy tears to my eyes for you. It sounds like you are moving forward with your life and that’s exciting. It’s inspiring to hear that even though you’ve experienced really bad times, you can pick yourself up and keep going. I needed to hear that. ~Mystrose

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Hello there Who,

I cannot even imagine all of the sadness that you have gone through recently, but I am glad you are here. Thank you for fighting & holding onto life. You are right…life can be ugly & dark BUT it can also be beautiful & lovely. I hope you find moments that bring you joy & small portions of happiness.

Thank you for being a part of this world. Thank you for being you. You are important. You are valid. You are strong. You are worthy. You are wonderful. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for your post and welcome back. You have been through so much. You are incredible and one of the strongest people I think I have ever had the pleasure of reading about. I don’t know how anyone gets through the trauma that you have but YOU HAVE you are amazing and thank you. Thank you for trying so hard, thank you for succeeding and thank you for telling us all about it. I am immensley proud of you. I wish you a future filled with all the things that YOU want, the things that make you happy. again Thank you . Lisalovesfeathers. x

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This spoke to me so much. It fills me with so much hope and I can’t imagine the strength it’s taken you to talk about this, let alone go through it and come out and have the strength to say “this is not it”.

I can’t even begin to imagine how it feels to have gone through what you have. I am genuinely so honoured to be able to celebrate your life with you.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience here with us. I know your story will impact many people. Yours is a story that can break through the dark to reach others.

I know everyone is saying thank you, but seriously, thank you. Not only for being here, but for sharing and for bringing hope to those who need to hear it.

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As long as they are happy tears!

Wow this is very overwhelming. Thank you all for supporting me and for all the kind things you have shared with me. I’m literally blown away.

Thank you for this and for caring enough to reach out. I guess you never know how much words will impact someone even if it’s a year later.

Your words really made me feel incredibly honoured. My head tells me that I’m just a little blip in the universe that probably holds not much significance, but even blips can make stains on white paper.

Geezzzzz I don’t even have words. If my story does help someone I’d be so damn honoured. Beyond belief.
I can’t thank you and everyone here for everything. I certainly didn’t do anything by myself so I can’t take credit for making out.

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I think your words and your experience have such a huge power and impact, we are the ones who are honoured to have your presence and most importantly have YOU here.

You hold increíble significance. I bet your aunt is so incredibly proud of you just as we are

I’d certainly love to hear more of your story and the process behind getting to the place you are now. Whenever you feel to share or if you ever feel comfortable, you have a safe place here

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Geezzzzz I don’t even have words. If my story does help someone I’d be so damn honoured. Beyond belief.

We do have groups on the Discord server, called “Support Wall Action Teams”. It’s basically groups who meet weekly, go through a few topics from the Wall and respond together to the people who posted. I don’t know if that is something you would be interested in, but I feel like you could both help others and benefit from it too. Your story is absolutely inspiring and valuable. Also, there is a real strength and resilience to keep building in the very act of using your own story and growth to encourage others as well. Just a thought: know it’s there, and it’s absolutely accessible to anyone. I’m leaving the link/description of these groups here, so you can eventually check this out at your own pace. It’s absolutely not an obligation by the way. Just an invitation. I’m sharing all of this out of a feeling that you might find some purpose and healing by being part of that kind of group too. :hrtlegolove:

Thank you once again for sharing your story. You do have an impact. You do bring inspiration. I hope you never underestimate that. :hrtlegolove:

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