Alright let's get into this tw: sh

hh alright… so last night was… rough… my school district banned this website (stupid idiots) and my device at home is so low-tech all I could do was read… and it eventually got to the point where I felt really… idk helpless and lonely… first time in like a month I did the sh thing but…

…but it doesn’t matter, does it? I failed. there’s a tiny little divot on my leg, that took me an hour… it was… haha really bad…

I felt so… alone and helpless and angry… like I would look back on life and crap and all I would see is suffering. pain. people trying to help and failing and me suffering and no. end. to. it. all.

all of today I was kinda just… empty… especially the end of the day I felt like no emotions whatsoever and I felt really disconnected from everything…

and that’s what scares me.

I used to be this kind, compassionate person, who could empathize with people and understand their struggles… but now nothing… I’m not really interested in much anymore and it’s hard to feel things…

I- agh I don’t know who I am

idk what’s real idk if I’m lying to myself or if I’m… idk idkidkidkidkidk

hh I’m so done with not getting answers, when can I finally feel happy again?

why does no one care, seemingly?

hh no matter what I do I can’t escape it

the constant barrage of horrifying intrusive thoughts

and the voice in my head constantly telling me I’m not good enough

and he’s probably right

I deserve pain. If I suffer I can understand everyone else and bring them peace

and that’s all I want

I’m so done with people not understanding

if you’ve ever heard someone laugh and sob at the same time, it’s one of the most deranged noises a human being can make

and the fact that I make it almost monthly

I am a very deranged person

I- can’t begin to express how utterly useless I feel, how much of a failure I am…

because no matter what I do I can’t escape and I’m so tired

when does it stop…?



Hey welcome back, I’m sorry about what happened and I’m sorry your school did that. I don’t understand why they’d think that was an ideal idea and how you got back on but hey you’re back! ^~^

You aren’t alone, there are people who care and are willing to help, we here are all willing to listen to whatever is going on as best we can. I just wish you could find some people around you who could help.

Please don’t listen to that voice, I forgot what their name was but don’t take those thoughts as reality and fact, that is not you and they say those things because the brain is in pain and it doesn’t know how to process it. It’s, complicated, but those thoughts can be controlled. You don’t deserve pain or suffering, you didn’t deserve what happened to you, and you don’t ever deserve to beleive that you’re not good enough. You’re an amazing person with a big heart that was damaged by horrible people, you should have been treated like a true friend because you deserve that more than anything. And I wish you could’ve had that. I wish you could get help, because the more this horrible experience sits without healing the more it will damage you.

Yea, I’ve heard that sound, ive made it a few times years ago. It’s the feeling of very deep despair that is so painful you laugh and cry bc it feels like you’ve lost your mind. I don’t understand the feeling except that it’s a feeling of being stuck and lost and alone and going insane from it because you feel like you’re at your limit. You aren’t deranged, you need help. You’re hurting right now, and you need to get out of this.

Do you know what made you start to feel empty? Was it because of your experience with your friend? Because I understand that, when people hurt you to such an extent they make you start to feel numb, they try to take away the parts of you that you value most and try to make you forget the person you are and turn you into someone you’re not. But that emptiness doesn’t have to stay with you, you can still be a compassionate, caring, loving individual with lots of emotion, you just need help right now. Maybe when you can heal those emotions can come back. But I don’t want you to give up okay? It’s never to late.

What answers are you looking for?

Please take care, I hope they don’t take this place that feels safe to you away from you again. Idk why they would disable this site. Please don’t give up on yourself, you deserve to love yourself more than anything.

Take care,


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Hey Xaii! tysm for responding~

uhh so abt my first topic… the gatekeeping worked really well! It almost felt like it was just me and ignis again… until the incident a couple of nights ago where my sanity just kinda… shattered into a bunch of colour…

uhh yeah about that the school just tried to block my other way of accessing it again… my friend suggested asking if you are on any other websites in case this one gets blocked again ^^"

yeahh ik that there are ppl who care, and I really appreciate those people, but ig I don’t have enough of them around me irl

mm yes ignis tends to do that he really likes to convince me I have no self worth! darn voices in my head! :smiley:

yep this is probably why I constantly doubt myself and others and question reality~

yeah, that’s… exactly what it feels like

No, the friend thing was more then two years ago… idk I just kinda started feeling less sensitive to ppl’s emotions, and then I kinda just got overloaded from stress and hopelessness that in the aftermath of the incident I just felt cold and emotionless and empty and dissociated… it was not a good day yesterday ^^"

Mostly how to stop feeling so… idk empty and hollow? how not let the bad things get to me as much, savor the small, beautiful moments… what I really wish for is the ability to travel back in time to this one crystal-clear memory I have of before I met the person and I was at my friend’s house and we just kinda hung out…

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alr now that I’m in a better state of mind I think ik some more about what caused the incident:

  1. I met someone really nice who sorta reminds me of my “friend” from a couple years ago
  2. I was very stressed from not being able to do anything here
  3. I have a lot of friends who I help with their mental states and I think I over-helped and ended up getting some sort of emotional burnout which could’ve contributed to my feeling emotionless all yesterday…
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Glad to hear the gatekeeping does something! That means it’s possible they were just intrusive thoughts ^~^ though it sounds like when stress is triggered you split yourself a bit? For the one that was helpful to you in sort of reminding ignis you’re not what they say you are and keeping them from hurting you, have you learned to do that on your own?

Idk why they’re trying to block it… Do you not have a phone or computer at home? Could always try using a VPN though idk why they would try to block a site meant to support people… But I’m pretty sure if you use a vpn they can’t helicopter you and spy on if you’re using the site or not.

When it gets to feeling like we don’t have enough people around us is when we have to look to ourselves. You can always go to a parent or guardian for help, but if you don’t have good ones then looking towards yourself and learning to love and be comfortable with yourself can help. Learning how to calm yourself down and comfort yourself when things get tough, like what’s going on for you right now. Self love can go a long way in lonlieness.

Try to remind yourself those thoughts aren’t true, rationalize and remind yourself that you matter and you’re valued as a person and you do not deserve to be treated like that. Push those feelings of self hate out and take a deep breath in and deep breath out and give yourself peace. There’s no reason to hate yourself and any thoughts that come up as a reason forgive them and let them go. Your mistakes are not what make you who you are, it’s how you decide to learn from them. Don’t criticize yourself okay, no one is perfect, and make sure it is knows that too.

Then you need to work to trusting yourself and having boundaries and standards with other people. Keep an eye out for red flags and don’t let others push you around to the point of gaslighting your reality. You have a right to your own emotions and space and should not let others push you to your limit. Know your worth.

Sounds like your experience did a number on you, I’d say healing takes time, and learning how to heal takes professional help. With the dissociation, does that occur when the you have the personifications or is it just from when you are reminded of the experience?

I’d say to not feeling empty and hollow to try do the things that you used to enjoy, keep an eye on who you’re sourrounded by, and observe things and think about one or two positive things about them. If you really want to heal though… Again, I’d suggest looking to a professional, they could very well help you with healing in a controlled enviroment. Whether this is a trauma or a very bad experience. I know it was bad for you, they should have not forced you like that, so I understand why you associate it with something bad. One thing you could do is look for counselors online. Idk if there are still counselors on heart support but we did meet 1 or 2 on here before, so it’s worth asking for at least an online exposure since you’re afraid of going to one.

(This is from Xaii: Holy shit ik that feeling I wish I never met that peice of shit holy shit. But that was back then, it’s too late now and by now I’m kinda healing away from the memories, [I still need truama therapy tho bc the triggers are strong **asf**] the memory of when I met them is crystal clear too, I was in middle school and immediatly wanted to be friends, in a way maybe Mori was trying to protect me from them. Unsure but, Mori couldn’t change my fate and I ended up severely hurt and now every step I take I have to try and keep myself from associating things with danger and it gets worse every year either because trauma symptoms worsen or because I meet worse people. I remember when they did the thing to me I dissconnected from reality so hard it erased my memory until they brought it up and I was like “oh yea that happened I forgot” and now I can’t actually forget anymore. I still try to block it out and replace it with different ones but, yea. Get help don’t be like me, I try to block shit out and I don’t tell my therapists bc I worry about breaking down and becoming unstable. The thing about therapy though is you’re supposed to break down, it’s how they heal you. I just kinda break down to the extent where they don’t know if I’m safe with myself anymore, which is why I’m kinda unable to do exposure therapy, if you’re like that then ofc not all therapies are for you but there are different types of therapy, try looking into that too. Maybe your first therapist was bad but there are better ones out there.)

I’ll be replying to the next post now since you figured out what’s going on:

Xaii understands that feeling of finding people who remind you of a trauma. Whether they’re bad or good people it freaks him out too. I honestly would say that if someone reminds you of a trauma you’ve been through then it may not be the healthiest to be around them. Because triggers will come up more and you may have breakdowns more easily after all that time of trying to heal, so, be wary of the people you give your attention to, whether they mean to hurt you or not. I’m sorry you had that experience tho, from what Xaii says it’s very scary and painful, like someone punching you in the gut with memories, and you have to walk away.

Again I’m sorry that happened idk why you would be blocked from getting help but are your parents able to help you? If they’re loving and good parents I’m sure they’re willing any day to comfort you or listen to what’s going on and let you get outside help online or anywhere. If you don’t have those types that sucks.

With emotional burnout, and burnout in general, it’s important to remember what is healthy for us and what our limits are. An old friend gave us a good analogy. Imagine working in a shop, and setting bowls of soup on a table, everyone needs to be fed, and to eat they need spoons. So you give them spoons. They eat, they are happy and they leave, but the the next people come in, and your spoons and bowls have not been washed yet and you have run out, but you still need to serve the food. No one can eat with a dirty utensils, so what do you do? You wash the untensils until they are shiny and sparkly, and people can eat again. But that may take awhile, there are alot of people and alot of dishes. So you close up shop for however long you need until you are able to serve again. So, treat yourself with time and care, don’t overdo stuff. Because if you force it you will end up serving pots and pans that fall on the floor all about in a giant mess. You will end up closing yourself off to people and becoming unemotional as a coping mechanism. And that’s not helpful to you or anyone else. So, be sure to take care of yourself before you take care of others. We may want to passionately help others or as many people as we can, but we still need to recharge and rescleanse. And don’t be afraid to tell someone you need to close up shop for a few days, we all need a break :blush:

Speaking of breaks, that is why I mainly responded :3 Xaiis been helping around all day so I thought I’d pop in to help instead, I always like seeing him help out some people, so I thought I’d help out too!

I know Xaiis asked this before but since gatekeeping, has those personifications felt any less or more real to you? Do you think they were helping you at all in any way when they were around? It does sound like it’s a stress related thing, but it’s still good to ask, because perhaps the unstable health and mental degradation was what was causing it.

Hopefully this helps! Take care (^◕ﻌ◕^)Ꮚ

✿ N


Hey! Firstly oh my gosh that little face at the end of your reply was so cutee! like I love it so much <333

yeah, ig~

uh I wish… nah it’s still kinda a thing that doesn’t happen very often…there are some times where I feel like that but not many and it kinda feels like she’s… idk not me bc the thoughts aren’t mine, if that makes any sense… like they’re in my head but I didn’t think them…?

school laptop on a home network, that’s all I got… since it’s school-loaned I can’t download a vpn… at least this is workin tho!

I mean… yeah that actually sounds like it’d be… a really nice skill to have-

It’s honestly really hard to rationalize against it though, as ignis uses memories and emotion to torment me, it’s like he put all of my memories through a filter that makes it so I only see the bad things… I also question myself all the time (bc trauma) and it’s… idk it’s weird ^^"

That sounds like something I could actually use bc I have a history of not being able to say no very easily ^^"

Yeah, no kidding… the dissociation kinda just happens at random… it’s happened a lot this week tho bc of the incident… sometimes it’s nice if I like dissociate during orchestra cuz then I can like just kinda drown out the unpleasant things and just focus on the music and be able to play the music decently without worrying about it… but other times it’s kinda scary like if I’m trying to… well y’know be an actually functional human?

Xaii, I think you just got the world record for the most times saying “shit” in a sentence xD /lh /nm

well okay they’ve actually been super cool about it… if they ever accidentally trigger smth they are very understanding and try not to do it again… for example in my class yesterday a song came on that I made an animation to for the person, so I had to go outside and draw for a hot sec until it was done… and they kinda popped out and were like “Robyn the song’s done~” and it was very nice

about the emotional burnout thing I think that’s just a coping mechanism at this point… bc i’ve been feeling kinda bleh and not wanting to do anything or eat anything and not feeling anything ever since the thing… I’ve also been very disconnected so I think it’s just me unconsciously protecting myself from ignis? idk

all of them felt less real except ignis, who sorta stayed around and never really dissapeared… he just got… idk more foggy? also seeing as how he’s the most developed out of all of the previous facets (and how I’ve unconsciously talked as him before and have probably accidentally channeled some of his words in disscusions) I think it’s safe to say that he won’t fade anytime soon… he still doesn’t feel corporeal enough to reason with though, idek if he could be capable of reason… unless he was feeling particularly manipulative, idk


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alr daily update!

  • I’ve been feeling very emotionless all week, and it’s kinda interesting, had the random thought that it could be a coping mechanism against ignis, and that’d make sense, as the emotionlessness kinda has been showing up more recently and ignis isn’t very vocal until later…? idk
  • It honestly feels like all my other facets are just kinda me now… like I’ve exhibited aspects of what would’ve been Thorne, Slate, and myself today and it all just kinda felt like me (except for what would’ve been slate that one felt like me but somebody came in like a storm cloud and kinda overshadowed me… it somewhat felt like I was observing in those aspects
  • idk I learned the first bit of a really hard cello song and am super proud of myself! I noticed that when I was feeling slate-like I was better at rhythms and articulations but dynamics did a no… that could’ve just been me being tired but I digress)
  • I look a lot more feminine now which makes me very happy~



From: twixremix

hey robyn,

i’m thankful to be able to connect with you and offer any support i can. i’m heartbroken to hear the pain you’re shouldering… while i wish i could take all that pain away, i can say that there is hope. with what you shared in this post, you still have so much life to live, experiences to explore, and adventures to be had. you will feel happy again. however, bad times will always be a guarantee, but as i see it, those rough days make the bright ones so much better.

you say that “no one cares, seemingly” but i challenge you to reach out to someone you trust to know what’s happening and i assure you they’ll understand so much better once they know. is there a family member, friend, or someone at school you can speak to open and honestly about what you’re feeling? it hurts even more to go through it alone and i know for a fact that having someone to support you more closely will help those good days come so much sooner.

you will make it through this because your life is just beginning. you still have so much love, laughter, and joy to spread to the world so hang in there, my friend. you are loved and valued and i hope to hear from you soon on how things are going!



From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Robyn! I’m glad you were able to find a way back onto the forum. That is so strange your school would block HS and is really unfortunate but I’m glad you found your way back.

I don’t have much to say specifically about your post but I’m glad you are here and I’m glad you and systemofconfusion have the rapport between you two that you do. Thank you for sharing with us and stay strong :hrtlegolove:


From: SuchBlue

Hi RobynTheUnlikely,

I’m really sorry that you are feeling like this and I’m glad that you’ve been feeling somewhat better today. It’s really nice to see that you are very aware of how you’re feeling and if you’ve got better or worse this week. There isn’t really much else that I can tell you, but I’m very happy that you were able to find a way to be here again and you’ve shared with us this post together with your replies. Keep going and keep a smile on your face, I know it’s hard but I believe in you :hrtlegolove:


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, Thank you for your post, I am so very sorry that the website got closed down. I think that is such a shame and It clearly had a bad effect on you and for that I am also very sorry. I get that after have a tough time you went straight for sh and it happens and its sad but its done and now you are back here and hopefully you have friends and the support you need to move forward once again, I know this is not the be all and end of all of your problems but I hope we can do all we can to support you. I want you to know how loved and valuable you are. Much Love Lisa x


aa thank you for all the kind words guys! I really appreciate it those were a massive boost yesterday…

I feel like I’m finally maybe possibly recovering from the incident more, although I find myself wanting to “dissconnect from reality” more… kinda just like let everything go and sink away into the depths of my brain for awhile…? idk

also I think my leg is healing nicely which is good~

idk all in all I finally feel sorta like me again… y’know actually feeling emotions 'n stuff!

one bad piece of news tho… ig my whole “emotionlessness” thing combined with probably my deteriorating sanity and lack of control over ignis’ words… idk ig it was too much for one of my friends and so they kinda left without any goodbye…

and normally that’d like tear me up inside, give me a panic attack

but ig I’ve been… desensitized to it?




Hehe Ik! I wanted to tweak an emote to my liking and I ended up making that!

Xaii mentioned this in another post, but if it feels like they’re more detached and function on their own, they may be more real than you thought. Though, intrusive thoughts can do that to you as well, like saying things about you or about others you dont beleive but your brain just says it for some reason.

Well, you could always try a different browser. If it’s a browser the computer is not familar with, and download it, it could be possible to work with that because they haven’t blocked it yet. Though time would only tell till they track it with IP and student ID. Which could happen in less than a couple days. But I will say, it is… Very disrespectful of them to block that, as well as preventing you from getting help and protecting yourself etc. It is literally blocking you from getting any form of outside help, and that is a heavy mistake on their part, no matter what rules they have. (I’m sure there are ways if you look up how other ppl get past the admin walls online. It’s not impossible to do a little manuvering, though I’m sorry you have to be sneaky about it at all. It just isn’t right to do that to people, ecspecially to their own students who go through who knows what at home and sites like these might be the only places they can feel safe.) Hopefully this advice can help.

Its an excellent skill! Though to do it you first have to be aware when you are going through something and spot it before or when it happens. Which is something we struggle with when the situation is new, but with loneliness self love and preventing you from thinking negative thoughts about yourself should be easier and can help alot!

Ah I see, I think I understand this sort of thinking. Then perhaps the one that was helping you can teach you how to work through it as well. Ecspecially if these facets are becoming yourself. I get the filter thing, for Xaii it seems when we ask him to bring up a good memory, or his favorite memories, he can’t seem to think of anything or it just takes a really long time, but when it comes to bad things they come up almost immediately. It’s almost sometimes like he blocks out good memories because it hurts him. Like, whenever he makes a friend, he incorporates those memories into a box, and then locks them away because at some point he knows those friends leave one way or another, and he will feel upset by it. So instead of feeling sad and depressed, he blocks out and disconnects from reality so he doesn’t have to remember or feel any emotion towards it because he can’t remember it anymore, (This is also due to trauma, and based on your latest posts maybe you can relate to this as well?) He doesn’t talk about them at all, because he can’t remember, and when we get him to remember things he starts feeling pain. Missing people… Hurts it seems, but if “It always happens eventually”, then it is the reason he’s desensitized to it and doesn’t connect close to people. Which is why he has a pretty bad memory for good experiences (or maybe just not many good memories, or just bad at memorizing x3). It seems he blocks emotions about good events because he doesn’t feel like it’s real, is that a familar feeling for you as well? If so, it might be really important for you to work on emotions so you don’t become empty and apathetic to everything. And for the long term with friends, find something that can give you some hope that things will get better so you eventually don’t end up forgetting your experiences and only seeing the bad. Every moment is meaningful, don’t let yourself give up on your feelings because if you do, you will find yourself disconnected and not being able to remember much of anything at all. Being able to be grounded to reality is a huge gateway to being able to remember things and be emotionally connected with the world. If you are finding yourself disconnected, try grounding yourself with things like 5 senses, it may help with connecting to reality so you can feel again.

Then we advise to be very diligent with yourself and who you sourround yourself with. Don’t let others manipulate or walk on you because you can’t say no, and if you just can’t say it, then make up excuses to distance yourself from bad situations and unhealthy people, or seem uninteresting to them.

X: There’s lots of ways of ways to get rid of people that make you really uncomfortable or give you red flags, it can range from seeming boring and quiet, to creepy, to hostile, to bluntly honest, to overly annoying, or simply weird, you just have to read them and see what will make them think “Ight I’m out” and keep a healthy distance from you without harassing you or picking on you (bc there are idiots with tiny brains who do this). It’s important in these situations to understand how the person thinks because it’s how you can use it to adapt and get out of it and away from them to safety, and can also give you comfort because you are a step ahead and unpredictable to them in literally anything you do or think, and you can happily be yourself with the people who actually value you because you don’t have to mask or paradox yourself when you’re safe with them. Which is a huge thing to learn on its own, because sometimes it’s hard to feel safe at all from previous experiences and can take a bit to open up. Anyways, use masking/paradoxing to keep you safe when you spot red flags, that’s what I do. And being plural amplifies that by times however many headmates you have lmao. I kinda wanna send a meme on the plural part bc it’s such a mood. Uk what feck it:


N: We’re sorry you have to deal with that so much, dissociation is such an uncomfortable feeling. The orchestra sounds lovely though ^w^ we do that alot with art, so much so that time seems to pass in in a matter of minutes. With dissociation when it’s not comfy, I’d say keeping an eye on the 5 sense can help. Like hold something that feels nice to you, and listen to sounds that don’t disconnect you from reality (we found music to be the opposite of grounding) so like anything irl like the wind or footsteps etcetc, also smells, like smell markers and peppermint oil, peppermints in general whether eaten or smelled kinda wake ppl up, but for us peppermint/tee tree oil helps alot and knocks you hard back into reality.

Kio: Lmao he says shite a fecking lot xD I wish he made up new words tho, he could be a cussing genuis :rofl:

N: we’re glad your friend cares to give you a heads up for you to protect you, I hope this isn’t the one that left, they sound very kind. Triggers suck alot, so it’s good that it isn’t affecting you too bad. For Xaii, it seems that it’s harder because parts of the friends lives have names and people and looks that relate alot to the trauma which freaks him out bc it’s feels like they are the exact same people with the exact same story which creeps him out. We would explain more but it seems just bringing up the memory freaks him out a bit. All in all, in a simple explanation, he experiences these coincidences that are so similar, or that their voices are too similar or their looks are too similar, or their behaviour is just too triggering or they have a friend with the exact same name. It’s usually not stuff they can change for him so he ends up distancing himself because it’s too errie for him whether they mean well or not.

Kio: This burnout sounds like it could relate to disconnecting from reality. Also, a heads up if you have an eating problem. When getting detached and not eating it could be risky because stomach will end up feeling sick and eventually and you will feel like death. Lack of eating can also cause the fogginess of the mind to become more prominent. So eating something can help with both the disconnect and with the sick feeling if you ever do get sick. And it may also make you feel happy. (Bc when deprived from food ur body by itself is literally excited to eat when it gets the chance again, it will literally be so excited it will give you the bodily reaction of making you automatically smile bc your stomach is just so happy to see food again and you didn’t even realize it until you took the first bite.) When you’re emotionally burnt out you could try to focus on grounding yourself to reality and repeating mantras of self love and feeling not just 5 senses but inner self. It may not just recconnect you to emotions but also make you hungry again. With ignis, if he isn’t self aware enough to reason with then, with what Nav said, working with whoever was helping you back then could help alot with this. It’s important to practice resilience around unhealthy people.

Yea talking will defiently make them develop, the more attention you give a thought pattern the more development material it has to form Identity, become sentient, and inhabit more spaces of the mind to control. Most likely if you gave the other ones more attention they would definetly end up more developed, which is why Xaii says that there’s a line to when intrusive thoughts can become a full fledged thoughtforms and to not give it attention or you can actually split. It’s a confusing line for sure, but, if there’s still a potential for you to not have an abusive thought pattern that doesn’t have self awareness harass you in your head it’s an option. I mean whatever you were doing that was helping you could work, if it was just healing that was working then perhaps as you heal it will automatically just fade away? Ig just throwing ideas since you’re still trying to figure out if you’re a system or not. Tho ik from Xaiis experience in undergoing psychosis years ago from those meds it did create a split, and it seemed the more stable he became that other peice (Mori) was more controllable and easier to reason out of and eventually just left. So it could be that too.

The chello sounds very fun! We don’t know too much about musical instruments but Kovu seems to like them. He shredded an imaginary guitar in innerworld from a song he’s now obsessed with (it’s a good fecking song tho). He also likes the violin a bit.

Also yussss I love that! I’d wear nail polish bc I’m a pink ass boi but Xaii doesn’t let me :roll_eyes: minimum we are allowed is thigh highs, crop tops, and earrings so we look for alot of em. Funny thing is whenever Kovu fronts when we wear femme shit (He a grown ass man) he looks at the body and is like “Wtf am I wearing?” So we all make fun of him lol. The whole system is guys it’s just that most of us are pretty feminine and the most Kovu is ever willing to wear is earrings.

N, K, X: We’re glad your leg is doing better! And we’re glad you’re recovering! And oh wait you’re feeling emotions again!??!? YAYYY big hugs congrats (つ≧▽≦)つ so glad for you ^w^

X: Again sorry about your friend, with mental issues sometimes people just can only handle so much, struggling with emotions and ecspecially ignis could have been alot for them but hey, you’re getting better it seems! So as I’m saddened you’re desensitized, I am glad you are still moving forwards and working through stuff <3 remember that everyone goes through things at their own pace, we know you can heal through this ^~^

Please take care, we hope things will keep looking up for you.

-N, K, X we all kinda chipped in on this one.

P.S we all send our regards

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hey y’all! tysm for all the love and support~

idk he’s like almost real but not quite… like he can’t really think on his own yet… hopefully never cuz that’d be scary o-0

yeahh that’s what I’m doin rn ^^"

no for me it’s just there are no emotions and I find myself wanting to dissapear into my mind and like lose myself in music or just kinda nope out of reality for a hot second during school

yeah, I was just reading up on this last night, and it honestly sounds lovely~ I’d love to get sum like sensory stuff like that it sounds really nice but alas…

oh my man I have seen my fair share of “cussing geniuses” and it’s honestly quite funny what ppl make up~

Yeah, with this person it’s kinda the same… they in tandem freak me out and make me super calm at the same time and it’s really weird…

and that’s why I was hesitant to name him but all of the articles I read said that naming it made it easier to go away! liars >:/

yep! my leg’s doing much better now~
about the feeling emotions thing…

aight so here’s the thing:
it sorta feels like there’s like a fog around my emotions and my brain’s tryna protect me from like trauma or ignis or both… but in reality it’s not helping and actually just freaking me out more bc I used to be so sensitive to things and now it’s just nothing…

sometimes I can feel emotions now (I’m not a lifeless husk like I was last week lol) but it’s still… dull and fuzzy emotions, nothing more then a “huh ig that was kinda fun”

but yeah mostly I’m kinda worried abt the whole emotionless thing and also the entire “wanting to dissapear into my mind” thing… it’s kinda scary wanting to dissapear but it’d be nice to just let go of all my worries and just float in nothingness while my life can go on autopilot in the background…

that’s the good type of dissociation tho the bad type is scary as heck ^^"

the bad type I’ve learned it’s kinda like lookig around and then everything just feels flat and unreal and it gets all existential and scary and one time I was looking around the hallway leading to my room and I was like “woa I don’t recognize this place” so yea strange

but all in all tysm for the support you guys I really appreciate it <3

I wish you all the best~


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alrighty daily update:

I’m a monster.

a cold, soulless monster…

the incident triggered some floodgate in my head and now all my progress towards being less depressed is gone…

all gone

I’m back to square one



and a danger to society

and no this isn’t just ignis this time

it’s based on fact.

I’m not worthy of help, of love

I’m not worthy of not having a person in my head yelling at me all the time

in fact why stop there

once everyone sees past my facade they’ll all leave

they’ll see who I really am

sure there was some good moments today

but in the end they’re meaningless

I only deserve pain and suffering

every action leads to it

so why would I get anything besides it?

I’m not a good person

probably doing sh for attention

playing with other’s emotions

gaslighting them

backstabbing them

he was right wasn’t he

I am a gaslighting backstabbing traitorous b*tch

I’ve failed everyone

and I feel like a teapot with a cork in it

nowhere to let the pressure escape until I shatter

I’m so tired

so tired and so alone

sometimes I wish I had headmates to cheer me up or make me feel better or fight off ignis

but so far it seems like if I’ll have any it’ll be him



what was I expecting?


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huh well that above reply was… interesting!

uhh daily update: I found the purpose of the emotionlessness! doesn’t make it feel any better but yea!

I have a concert in a couple of days so super excited for that…

am sick… again… with the same thing… two weeks in a row… somehow!? like isn’t the body supposed to remember viruses?

anywho I’m doing pretty well today~


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I understand that feeling, I feel like in this day and age we don’t really have enough time to have emotions bc jobs and studying and more work and just (-.-) I find music gives emotions tho

Why can’t you get sensory stuff? You can always bring like gum to chew or something.

Ooof! Yea no do NOT name. Those ppl do not know what they’re talking about. Definetly don’t advise going to sites like wikihow for things like that bc chances are they have no idea what those experiences actually are like and what they do to you.

Do you think this fogginess and hold back of emotions is more like a thing to wait out and will heal with time?

Hey, I’m sorry things got tough again, but it doesn’t last forever. I get those kinds of moods swings all the time usually just need a recharge. The feelings really are painful but remember you can get past it. You’re a good person, you aren’t backstabbing, and you’re a better friend than he would ever be.

What’s the purpose of the emotionlessness?! I hope you are feeling better, also rip with the sickness :confused:

Ooo! Good luck with the concert!, I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun there. And hey! Excitement is an emotion ^~^

I’m glad you were doing well in that last post, sorry it takes a bit to get back life is getting more active these days.

Never give up, you can heal from this ^w^


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Don’t worry about it mate I get it life happens take as much time as you need~

okay yeah ig I can do that but like that doesn’t really have much of an effect for me the type of sensory stuff I’d need is like… Omega Sensory Goodness™

yep never going to google “how to get rid of inner critic” again cuz they were all like “oh wow naming cierra really helped me get her under control and just helps me to reason with the inner critic in my head” and so I was like “welp alright I’ve got nothing better to do” and… yeah bad idea

Probably, and I think I needa avoid stress for awhile cuz that tends to bring it back in full swing…

Yeah, the mood swings are the worst, especially when they’re like r e a l l y bad then they’re not fun whatsoever cuz I’m just like “blargh I’m a depression vampire get the sunlight out of my room let me be sad guhfiudhg”

Alright here’s the somewhat sad part… during a particularly bad mood swing I had some… sh-related thoughts and almost acted on them but the emotionlessness just kinda swooped in and was like “no stop that bad robyn I get rid of all your feelings now so you can’t be motivated to sh”

:wink: you got me there~ but in all seriousness I’m super excited despite having three orchestra concerts in three weeks… oo boy it’s gonna be an experience

uhh in other news I’ve gotten really obsessed with cavetown and realized I accidentally stole his name and appearance without even really knowing who they were until like last night… but now I’m obsessed and like fangirling over them and their songs are super relatable and chill, which is nice cuz it helps me relax and get ignis out of my head!

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Yea we’ve got so much on our plate to do rn. Our system has to work on jobs while trying to do digital drawing art, or 3D rendering and modeling, as well as traditional works, and worldbuild our innerworld, work on our book, work and study up more on Plurality and Tulpamancy stuff (Mainly the history of it before it became modern and more system origins types as well as the functioning innerworlds and parallel processing), learn more about psychology, studying a bit of metaphysics and other philiosophies (bc we need to learn it sooner or later), understanding lucid dreaming and hypnophagia, imposition, switching, Navio’s learning about plants (Apparently they can communicate with chemicals and 200hz of soundwaves), Kovu’s interested in programming, Niko wants to watch TV, I’m learning how to cope with trauma and overall we are working on developing ourselves for the better as people as a whole.

Fr!! I hate when gum flavours dissapear after like 5mins. Tho any sort of candy can help doesn’t have to be just gum. Ik stuff like Smarties would rlly wake me up, also peppermints, anything with texture that you have to chew helps with both focus and grounding.

Bruh wut? Idk wtf was up with Cierra, maybe for them it was less intrusive, not dissociated, and more just ligit critic, but all in all naming and giving a gender is terrible for the long term unless you don’t have dissociation issues and have good gatekeeping controls. (Also, Kio gave an idea that maybe when ignis talks you can replace his words in your head. Like whenever he says some rude shit replace it with something funny or happy as he says it. Just an idea.)

Big mood I feel that, sounds like a trigger situation. When I have triggers I spiral very quick and my brain breaks. Avoiding stress and working to think of the positive can defiently help with preventing it. Ecspecially when a trigger comes up. At first it may seem really difficult. But as you keep at it over time the triggers will become more and more managable. Also, one thing that helps calm us down sometimes is a simple melody. You can find one or make one up yourself but it can go a long way in relaxing the body and slowing down the heart rate.

Lmao XD yeah I feel that one! I hate when it gets to dysfunctional levels bc then you just can’t think anymore. The thing I hate the most tho is when you don’t get a chance to calm yourself down bc when it happens you immediatly shut down and just, cannot function for shit. When that happens I take a nap if I’m home. And then I get Kio and Kovu hounding me trying to comfort me and reasoning with me for about 2-3hrs, which in turn I thank them dearly. If it’s really bad tho… I have to snap myself out of it so they can come back. But yea, in those cases, you gotta fight it and do the opposite of what the brain tells you to, bc the brains a big fat dummy.

Ohhh! If that’s the cause of it then that’s good bc that means ignis isn’t the cause of it, which means you have more control than you realize and it’s a coping mechanism of sorts from the instability, since the instability sounds like the main issue (which is good bc that could mean ignis isn’t the main root issue).

That’s great! Haven’t ever been or performed an orchestra but I’m sure it’s a very relaxing experience. Also! If that’s something that makes you happy you should do it in your free time :upside_down_face:

OMG CAVETOWN YESSSSSS!! FINALLY A PERSON OF CULTURE LMFAO I love his music!!! Aaaaaaa!!! Haven’t listened to it in a long ass time tho. But wdym you stole his name and appearence? Did you like cosplay on accident or something? XD and omg that’s awesome! Yea I forgot to mention omg, yea if you do stuff you enjoy like if you have a special interest that you hyperfocus on (such as music for you) you will lose the voice in your head. For you its good, for me I have to do a 5 minute check everyone is still here bc for me I have alot of special interests (And helping ppl is one of them lmao)

I hope you’re doing okay today!!!


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woa that all sounds epic!! (also go kovu coding’s the best >:3 what language ya learnin?)

I mean I occasionally have some sour apple jolly ranchers in art class and they help me focus~

xDD I love that idea so much I am going to try that /g

oh that’s actually a great idea… I need to find something like that and try it, see if it works~

yesss music is the best it is very relaxing it’s one of the only times I’ve done the good dissociation where I just like nope out of reality

yeah, pretty much~ he’s Robin, I’m Robyn… I accidentally styled my hair so I look like him ^^"
but fr tho their songs are really calming and yea I kinda hyperfocus on things…

although usually hyperfocus for me happens a lot and when I have to change tasks/settings it kills me inside and I feel like I’m dying and the rest of the day I’ll be like “agh oh frick no I could’ve fixed it like that I needa try it now” and then sometimes I’ll stress about it and ignis will show up and be a jerk…
that whole thing could be a result of my medicine (as could my not wanting to eat) but I digress

I brought up ignis to one of my friends who knows about the friend situation, they suggested that he might be a coping mechanism of that friend as some of his mannerisms and symbolism are very similar to my friend from before…

also I’ve been watching moon knight and all my friends get mad at me cuz I point out all the did innacuracies :sunglasses: they’re like “robyn stop talking watch the showwwwww ;-;”

but yea doin pretty good aside from more frequent dissociation!

I hope you and your headmates have a great rest of your day ^w^


EDIT: also woa just reading up on sum stuff and I think ignis might be a walk in??

it’s super funny cuz he was originally just “resident jerk inside my head” and then I was halfheartedly developing characters based on me and then ignis, who was based on the depression, kinda became the face of the depression…? idk ig before it was him it was my friend so I mean better him then my friend…

he doesn’t quite have a mind of his own yet (thank goodness) but if he had like a personality an stuff it’d be like the character