I’m a Christian, but my faith has not made things any better. In some ways it’s actually made them worse.
I have Aspergers and have always had trouble making friends and emotionally connecting with others. In the six years since I graduated high school, no matter how many times I’ve gone out to be friendly to others, I haven’t had one close friend. I’m also 25 and have never been on one date in my entire life, while everyone around me is married with kids.
I know, this all sounds petty. But you have no idea how awful chronic loneliness feels. You have no idea how it feels to pray and read your bible and do everything everyone says to emotionally connect to God, but nothing ever, ever works. You have no idea how it feels to be ignored and unwanted by everyone, including God himself. You have no idea how it feels knowing that you can’t numb yourself with alcohol, drugs, or porn, 'cause that’s all sinful. You have no idea how it feels to feel like no matter what you do and do and do and no matter how hard you try and try and try, you’ll always be alone and lonely and unwanted and ignored and burdensome to everyone you meet.
I couldn’t care less about money and fame, all I want is to quit being lonely, but apparently that’s too much to ask. I’ve been told I have a lot of anger, but you would too if you’ve been trying so hard for years and yet have nothing to show for it. I’ve tried counseling, medication, everything. Not one thing I’ve tried has worked. My parents say they love me, but I feel like a burden and a disappointment to them. I’ve been told I need to accept myself as I am, but I can’t 'cause I hate everything about myself.
I hate being ugly. I hate having Aspergers almost as much as I hate the devil himself. I despise how God made me and think he’s done a terrible job. I hate not being able to function as a basic human being. I hate that I feel more emotionally connected to animals and fictional characters rather than people. I hate being an adult and feeling like I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I hate that a lot of the things in theology that make Christians comfortable just rub me the wrong way. I hate not being able to have more joy in my faith.
I can’t love a God who would force me to live alone and depressed forever! I don’t care if heaven is at the end of the road. This life is all I know and apparently I’ll only get relief when I die.
There is absolutely no benefit to being a Christian other than for the hellfire insurance. Other than that, it has no bearing on your life right now. Not one bit. You know why? 'Cause God doesn’t care about this life. Pain, pain, and more pain is apparently all I’m allowed to feel.