Angry, Alone, and Can't Take It Anymore

HeartSupport Support
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I’m a Christian, but my faith has not made things any better. In some ways it’s actually made them worse.

I have Aspergers and have always had trouble making friends and emotionally connecting with others. In the six years since I graduated high school, no matter how many times I’ve gone out to be friendly to others, I haven’t had one close friend. I’m also 25 and have never been on one date in my entire life, while everyone around me is married with kids.

I know, this all sounds petty. But you have no idea how awful chronic loneliness feels. You have no idea how it feels to pray and read your bible and do everything everyone says to emotionally connect to God, but nothing ever, ever works. You have no idea how it feels to be ignored and unwanted by everyone, including God himself. You have no idea how it feels knowing that you can’t numb yourself with alcohol, drugs, or porn, 'cause that’s all sinful. You have no idea how it feels to feel like no matter what you do and do and do and no matter how hard you try and try and try, you’ll always be alone and lonely and unwanted and ignored and burdensome to everyone you meet.

I couldn’t care less about money and fame, all I want is to quit being lonely, but apparently that’s too much to ask. I’ve been told I have a lot of anger, but you would too if you’ve been trying so hard for years and yet have nothing to show for it. I’ve tried counseling, medication, everything. Not one thing I’ve tried has worked. My parents say they love me, but I feel like a burden and a disappointment to them. I’ve been told I need to accept myself as I am, but I can’t 'cause I hate everything about myself.

I hate being ugly. I hate having Aspergers almost as much as I hate the devil himself. I despise how God made me and think he’s done a terrible job. I hate not being able to function as a basic human being. I hate that I feel more emotionally connected to animals and fictional characters rather than people. I hate being an adult and feeling like I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I hate that a lot of the things in theology that make Christians comfortable just rub me the wrong way. I hate not being able to have more joy in my faith.

I can’t love a God who would force me to live alone and depressed forever! I don’t care if heaven is at the end of the road. This life is all I know and apparently I’ll only get relief when I die.

There is absolutely no benefit to being a Christian other than for the hellfire insurance. Other than that, it has no bearing on your life right now. Not one bit. You know why? 'Cause God doesn’t care about this life. Pain, pain, and more pain is apparently all I’m allowed to feel.

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Hi there friend :slight_smile:
I just want to say that i do understand how you feel. I struggled with that and often times i continue to. I don’t want to be lonely either. I get so tired of being “alone” I know you’ve probably heard this many times, but God is with you. He’s been right there the entire time. There are times when we are told or it’s put there in our minds that God is only with us if we feel this sense of joy or euphoria or something. But God’s there when we’re angry, sad, bored, and those times where we just don’t feel a thing. Just because you don’t feel anything, doesn’t mean God isn’t with you. He is. He’s there when you wake up saying good morning, he wants to do yes spiritual things with you but also earthly things. If you feel like watching a movie, but you’re by yourself, invite Him. He desires for you to receive Him in the ordinary.

You are not alone and never will be. You are beautiful and unique just the way you are. God wants a relationship with you, not religion. Honey, he cares sooo much about every part and inch of your life. One thing that’s helped me is that i write these journals to Him and tell Him how my day was or what happened (good and bad lol). And i just let Him reveal what He wants to say back to me. That could be in the Bible, through a friend, quote, book, music, etc. Another thing is to write letters of affirmation and positivity to yourself. Ask God to give you the words and write a letter to yourself describing what you like about yourself and who God is making you to be. Yea things may be lonely and hard but He is always with you. Ask God to reveal HImself to you in a new, exciting new way. And trust me, He will if you are willing.
I know it seems like a lonely, dark place right now. But God desires to step into these parts of our lives. Light will shine through the darkness, and beauty can be found through the darkness of night. God never promised that we wouldn’t suffer, But when we do, He will be with us. Heres a poem and a video that helped me and i hope it helps you too :slight_smile:

You are seen and you are loved. so much! <3

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Thank you for your time and words.

Guess what, I TRIED doing the journal thing you did. I did it for months on end. And guess what? Nothing changed. I prayed for at least my attitude to be changed, but it never happened. I got sick of talking about the same things over and over again. Now I rarely pray at all, unless it’s for others, and never open my bible outside of bible study. Reading the bible to communicate with God is like always communicating with someone over email. They’re not actually there in front of you, talking with you, offering a hug or a hand to hold. None of it.

Seriously, as someone with Aspergers, religion makes much more sense than relationships. Relationships in general are a tough things for me to grasp, so I can’t relate to all this nonsensical relationship theology. Besides, how do you have a relationship with the almighty creator of the universe, who’s completely different from you in every way, whom you can’t see, touch, or hear, or even prove exists? Might as well be talking to an imaginary friend. God may be a person, but he’s not another human being.

Rules may suck sometimes, but there’s at least a clear black and white with them. That’s all I want. Clear black and white, straight forward, no surprises. If only people were the same way. Besides, if we lived without rules, there would be complete and utter chaos and anarchy.

By the way, that poem is nice, but I’ve seen it before. I was raised with Christian theology literally since before I was born.

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Friend, I totally understand where you’re coming from, i used to work at a Christian tv station for a little over a year. I reallly liked it and learned so much. But there was times when i just tired of hearing the same 'ol Christian stuff everyday and frequently. There was also a time when i was going through a lot of pain and such. i thought God wanted me to feel that way because Christian life= suffering, but that’s not entirely true. But. God shows up in a lotta unexpected ways. If you’re tired tell him, if religion is getting you down tell him.
A simple suggestion would just be to ask God to show Himself to you in a new exciting way. And that’s where faith comes in. :slight_smile: hope this helps!

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Hey
What a way to live. Not being able to connect with others. I mean I know how you feel somewhat. Since grade 3 I have had zero friends as well and I know how lonely it is. I see that even though you are angry with god you’re u want to keep your religion because it’s important to you. However I think I’ve read enough of the bible to no that god won’t help you if you don’t try to fix your problems as well. Yes you can pray every day but if you don’t go out and try to connect with people nothing will change. God can’t help you if your not willing to help yourself. But I don’t think it’s god that’s the problem. You have Aspergers which would be terrible to live with, more then any one should live with. Maybe try joking clubs or sports or classes or other things that not only force you to interact with people but people can interact with you. Stick with it long enough so that people get to know you and the person hidden by your Aspergers. I know you You can do it. I have heaps of FAITH in you that you will find a friend. There’s always more fish in the see you just gotta keep looking.
And hey don’t forget us. Heart support will always be a place filled with friends. I mean if you wanna chat from time to time here’s my email. [email protected]
I would love to be your friend.
Hey hang in there :kissing_heart:
Eli

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Also some guy to me a story or proverb once that maybe you haven’t heard.
It was about a man who recently purchased a farm and down in the field was an overgrown berry bush. Seeing that it would not produce any fruit if it remained over grown so he cut it back nearly to the stump. In his head he heard a force almost as if it was speaking to him. “Why did you cut my down I was making wonderful progress how could you do this to me”. And he replied “I am the gardener and I know how I want you to grow. Remember when you are lamented with fruit you will rejoice and cry oh thank you gardener, for loving my enough to cut me down for loving me enough to hurt me”. The next harvest that bush was ladened with many berries. Shortly after that the man was enrolled into the army and climbed the ranks but when he went to apply to become a commander his offer was denied because of his faith. Walking out of the office he cried out and said “ oh lord how could you do this to me hhy did you cut my down I was making wonderful progress how could you do this to me. And as if he could hear his own words he heard “ I am the gardener and I know how I want you to grow. Remember when you are lamented with fruit you will rejoice and cry oh thank you gardener, for loving my enough to cut me down for loving me enough to hurt me “ he sank down and prayed for forgiveness. he became the head of his church. The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints if your wondering. God has a purpose though you can’t see it he sure can because he knows how he wants you to grow. Give a little faith it might go a long way.

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I’ve got a TON of issues with what you’re saying.

For one thing, I HAVE been getting out there. Trying a different church, different church groups, other people with Aspergers, I’ve done it all for SIX AND A HALF YEARS! And guess what, I STILL HAVE NO FRIENDS! You know why? I can’t make someone be friends with me. I can’t make them drop what they’re doing to hang out with me. My generation is the busiest unfortunately. Not surprising considering we’d rather look at our phones rather than another human being. And being a workaholic apparently by itself passes as being successful and important.

I don’t buy stuff like “God helps those who help themselves.” Well then, Jesus died for nothing. Oh yeah, he didn’t, 'cause we can’t save ourselves.

And that story you put down is not only bad but right out abusive. You might as well say it’s a father shoving their kid down the stairs, deliberately hurting him, and only then comforting them. That’s not love, it’s ego-stroking. Seriously, if a human being were to do this, we’d say they’re a terrible person. But apparently, God can just do whatever he wants, even send someone to rape me to “build my character.” And it’d be okay. I’m sorry, but that is disgusting to me. I don’t care what ANY theologian says. It’s abusive, ego-stroking, and complete garbage!

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I’m sorry I miss read your post. I’m just trying to help you out with my opinions on the matter. I’m not a specialist on helping people I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m really sorry. Reading your post I don’t know what to say to help you feel any better or help you out in any way. I meant well by the story I didn’t think you would take it that way. Well why post on here if your not willing to try and understand others. That’s the whole point of a friendship. Not hanging out or have special moments they are special to a relationship but the bond comes from the understanding between the two parties.
Write back what you think this post cause I really wanna say something that will help you out. And like I said I can chat with me anytime you like.
Soz for upsetting you,
Eli

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I can relate to your frustration with God and how it seems like no matter how hard you try it’s never enough. I can relate to the exhaustion of being told to just keep trying and feeling like no one understands how much you have already done. I wish I had an answer or “how to” that will give you answers. Sadly I don’t, I’m still looking myself. What I can offer is the assurance that you are not alone in your feelings. I’m praying for you, friend. You are not alone.

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@MaskedPrincess

I’m sorry you are going through this. Even if I say something to lighten you up, it will not help. I don’t have Aspergers, so I cannot relate to you. Just loneliness and anger. The only I can say pour out your feelings and emotions to God. He doesn’t mind. Thank you for sharing.

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I’m sorry. I guess I overreacted. I think I assume that when people post stuff like that they think they know what they’re talking about and that they know everything. I want to try and understand others, I just don’t always get it right.

Problem is, I have Aspergers and I’m an introvert. I define a friend as someone I’m close to and can open up to and see regularly. If you’re only able to plan something every couple of months, I’m not going to consider you a friend. Maybe an acquaintance, but not a friend.

And there’s the problem with the social landscape nowadays. We’re more “connected” than ever, yet we’re becoming a world of lonely, isolated people. Technology may give us the illusion of being together, but it’s ultimately driving us further apart. Like I said, being a workaholic now passes as being busy and important. We move a lot more, to the point where we don’t even bother to get to know our neighbors. It’s one reason why people my age tend to live with our parents longer. It’s too emotionally exhausting constantly going through roommates who don’t share your interests beyond helping to pay rent.

Not to mention, in both society and in the church, friendship is put on the back burner while marriage is put on a pedestal. Church may bemoan how sexualized society is now, but it makes me wanna say, “You do the exact same thing, just in a different way, i.e. idolizing marriage.”

Our great social problem is not that gays can now get marriage or that society now is so sexualized. It’s that people are no longer finding relationship satisfaction apart from marriage and romance. Before the mid-nineteenth century, it was considered dangerously antisocial to be too emotionally attached to one’s spouse. Friendship was held on the same level of respect as, if not more so than, marriage. Celibacy for much of church history was seen as a higher, holier calling.

Now, every affectionate physical touch or emotionally touching word between anyone, male/female, male/male, female/female, has to “mean something.” It may not be your intention, but nowadays, when you tell someone to be celibate, you might as well tell them to be lonely. And ironically, in focusing so much on “saving marriage” marriages in church society have not gotten better, but slightly worse. Marriage cannot possibly fulfill all your relationship needs.

And this is why friendship is so devalued, even more so than a relationship between an employer and their workers. There are no contracts, there are no familial blood ties, no social or tax benefits. In fact, according to Darwinism, there’s no reason for us to have friends since they don’t give any immediate advantage in survival. Not to mention, you can leave the relationship at any time and suffer no social repercussions for it.

And this, I think, is why gays want to get married. Not that I agree with gay marriage (come at me if you do), it’s that they want someone to love and someone who will love them. And with social conditions in today’s society being so bleak, “friend” sounds very anemic compared to “husband” or “wife.”

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Hey thx for writing back,
What you just wrote was beautiful, truly an admirable incite. It really shows who you truly are deep down. These thoughts and feeling show you care for more then yourself but you care for the whole society and the way it’s heading. This is what people need to see more of cause they’ll see your more then just a fellow person or “acquaintance”. You see the true meaning of friendship as you explained perfectly. Yea it’s like you said technology drives us apart. I really hope you can stop being frustrated about not making friends. It’s not your fault it’s societies and our ideologies. Sometimes doing nothing leads to the very best of something.
I hope you respond I hope you feel better. You can always email me if you want to talk.
Eli

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The whole thing about Christianity is it is a life where you expect to suffer. You can bear the suffering because you lay everything before your god. My point is that in Christianity the priority is God’s will everything else takes a backseat.

I don’t have Asperger’s, I’m 38 and I only dated 3 girls my entire life. Those dates were in my teenage years. Pretty much I’m in the same boat. (Pretty much what makes it worse is I seem to only connect to women. The women I get interested in turn out to be taken, in one form or another are unavailable or have absolutely no interest in me.)

I was raised, Christian, I pretty much went through all you’ve said, I’ve been on both sides of the field (Grass is always greener on the other side) and I do feel alone, burden, etc. So in a way, I can relate to everything you’ve just mention.

Pretty sums up everything I’m feeling except now I care about money. Problem is expectations. People’s expectations of you, Your religion’s (any religion’s) expectations of you and your expectations of yourself. You need to drop all of it. It is hard to do. I know I’ve tried it is like a zombie that hunts you down. These expectations drive you into madness. You can’t accept yourself until you let go of these expectations. I know because I’ve expectations of myself that won’t die or have but revive. My happiest days is when I let all expectations fall to the ground and move on.

Everything you said here hits home. The answer for me for the latter part was to drop Christianity (I am not telling you to do that). You aren’t ugly either. There are some people out there that might find you that way. Yet there are people out there that will find you beautiful. It is all contextual and the definition changes on the individual. So stop being hard on yourself. Also, stop blaming God or others. It is easy to blame someone or something when in fact we need to accept things as they are. We’re not in control. If we blame then we can have the expectation of something/someone is in control which is more comforting then admitting that we have no control. Why? Having no control is a horrifying thought yet if there is someone/something to blame then in a way we have a reason why we’re not in control.

I hope things turn out better for you. My apologies for you having to go through this mess.

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I’m just glad we seem to be at a turning point where people in the church more often will start seeing single people as people rather than threats, and start seeing women in general as people, I might add.

I’ve come to see that in regard to a lot of issues, the church is no different from the world she condemns. Yes, I’m talking about Christ’s “Bride.” I don’t care if you’re a Christian or an unbeliever. If you believe things like rape are okay, you are a horrible human being. And all this, “If you insult my wife you insult me,” nonsense is complete BS. I’m going to tell a man if his wife is cheating on him and making other people’s lives miserable.

'Cause let me tell you, the Israelites did the exact same thing and made the exact same excuse. “We’re God’s wife, his chosen people!” Yeah, and you conveniently ignored all the warnings in Deuteronomy until you were enslaved and your beloved Jerusalem was burned to the ground. Seriously, the Israelites did things that nowadays would SHOCK us! You know, things like child sacrifice, treating widows, orphans, the old, the sick, and women in general like garbage, and whoring around with idolatrous nations who were no different from them.

And now the church is paying a similar price for favoring wicked people in the form of public humiliation.

So what if we live in an age of grace? It’s sad that church people can be some of the most naive. We say all human beings sin, but none of us want to believe that someone can commit such terrible crimes and feel no remorse for it. Well guess what, those heartless and soulless people do exist. There are people in this world who do not have a conscience and don’t want your forgiveness or God’s. Anyone can be saved, but not everyone will be. And I hope such people burn and feel the pain they afflicted on others a thousand times over.

I know a good way to counteract sexual abuse in the church.

Preach on women in the bible who were raped, such as Dinah, Tamar, and especially the Levite’s concubine in Judges 19.

It’s a “pleasant” story about a woman who is literally raped to death, and her dead body is cut into 12 parts and each were sent to the 12 tribes as an “example.”

So what if it’s grotesque and disgusting? So what if it shows humanity at its most depraved, sadistic, and violent? It’s in the Bible, and it’s there for a reason.

Sometimes it takes forcing people to face sin at its ugliest in order for them to take it seriously. I’ve been told I have plenty of wisdom for my age, but I chalk it up to accepting things and the world as they are, not how I want them to be. And let me tell you, if I ever see something like this happen at my church, there is going to be HELL to pay.

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One more thing I want to get out.

Let me start this off by saying I have never been abused in my life. Both my parents are godly loving people, and they did not teach me the things I’m about to say. I simply came to this conclusion on my own.

I have a desire to marry, but the more I learn about how hard it is, the more hopeless it feels. Probably the most difficult area for me is sex. I’m a virgin in her mid-twenties who’s never been asked out once (a rare breed, I know), so it’s easy for me to think this way.

I’ve never looked at porn or anything like that. But I have my own struggles like everyone else. I have an on/off bad habit of reading smut, and no matter how many times I give in, I feel dirty. I’ve been told having these feelings is normal given my age. But I don’t care. I’m a virgin so I’m not supposed to know about any of that stuff.

It’s gotten to the point though where I can no longer mentally separate sex in general from sin. For one thing, sex more often than not does WAY more harm than good (STDs, unwanted pregnancies, affairs, human trafficking, porn, rape, incest, abuse, etc.). In fact, I get angry now if someone ever suggests sex is a good thing and natural. Natural does not equal good. It’s natural for us to sin.

I don’t care if it’s God-given or natural. The point is I can no longer look forward to being with my future husband, if I ever even have a chance. And as a single person, I have no morally legal way to deal with my libido. I’m just supposed to pretend it doesn’t exist. In fact, I’m appalled that I would want something so destructive and perverse.

I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation. If I don’t marry, then my drive really serves no purpose. But even if I do, I know I’m going to have to do a lot of mental clearing out to even have a chance of enjoying it.

There’s this expectation in the Christian community that on your wedding night you just go from being a virgin to a vixen. What was once meant to be avoided like the plague is now to be enjoyed like there’s no tomorrow. Now that it’s pretty much impossible for me to not associate sex in general with sin…I don’t know. My point is you can’t just say yes in one night after years of saying no.

If anyone wants to have an attempt at changing my mind, then go ahead.

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@MaskedPrincess

I’m not going to change your mind. Even if I try, you won’t have any of it. I respect you. I am in my mid-20’s too. Still a virgin, no sex, no relationships, no dating, but I do struggle with my sexuality. I did watched porn, and It messed me up. I relapse this week. I felt terrible doing it. I am 2 days clean. We have some similarities. However, you have things I don’t deal with. That’s okay. The only thing I can do is support you. Thank you for being honest and transparent. It means a lot to this community.

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Thank you. Nothing good has ever come from keeping things secret.

If I see more black in something than white, then my mind automatically tends to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Not that I want it to. It’s just that my brain thinks very logically and thinks, “How can something be good if it’s expressed in so many ways that have huge catastrophic consequences?” Trying to keep my mind in a grey area takes a lot of mental energy for me, and it’s distressing.

Like I said before, I’ve observed that sex tends to cause a lot more harm than good. But you’re right. It might partly be because I have no experience with romance whatsoever (which makes me feel all the more isolated), so I’ve never really seen it used the “right” way.

To give another example, I know sex in marriage is compared to fire in a fireplace, but to me, it doesn’t matter whether the fire is in a fireplace or an open field. The fact remains that fire is dangerous.

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@MaskedPrincess

You made interesting points. Thank you for replying. I have a couple of questions to ask you: Do you want this community and I to help you? What is it what you want? What is it what you need? Are we doing something wrong?

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I honestly don’t know. You’re not doing anything wrong. Sometimes I just want someone to listen.

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That makes sense. Listening it is something I need to work on. Thank you.