Depression is back. (TW SH)

[Mystrose]

I feel so empty inside. Like all there is, is darkness and this huge void. I feel alone and disconnected from everyone and everything.

I think my depression is getting pretty bad.

The past few weeks, I’ve felt it more and more. Friday was really bad. I cried pretty much the whole day at my therapy program and got pulled aside for a check in with my clinician. He wanted to make sure I was safe over the weekend. He asked me straight up how confident I was that I wouldn’t hurt myself. I know from experience that hurting myself will only make things worse and complicated, but that urge gets pretty strong sometimes. I’ve learned to wait when I have impulses like that and usually after 30ish mins that urge fades. I really, really don’t want to travel that road again.

I ran out of my psych meds almost a week ago and I haven’t had the energy or the want to go get my refill. I could have just used the pharmacy’s app to have them delivered, but I didn’t do it. I know that’s pretty irresponsible, but I’m sure those of you who suffer from depression can relate. It’s like when you can’t even brush your teeth, but you know you should.

It’s hard to breathe and see past this darkness.

I don’t know how to get out of this.

I can barely keep up with life right now.

[E_Man]

We sometimes can get down pretty bad, and sometimes we can feel pretty good. It’s how life goes actually. That doesn’t means bad things will stay forever. It’s ok to this things happen because we will have sad days while we recover from depression. Please hang in there, it will get better.

[ManekiNeko]

Dear rose, you are so strong for being one who is always so honest with their journey.
I know you know as much as I do all the “logical” things, but it’s hard when your mind is being trapped in that place.
Great work for reaching out to your clinician. Please make sure you keep checking back with him if things don’t improve or if they worsen. Your safety is the most important to all of us.

The small steps are always hard when you’re stuck in that place. I’m so sorry it’s been hard for you! I do hope that even if all you do all day is order those meds that you feel so proud of yourself for doing so.
I know you probably don’t need me to keep rambling on, so I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you’re presence here.
Is there anything I or this community can do or do you just need a listening ear?
Thank you for being here. Thank you for being present and being an encouragement to others.

[Rick]

Mystrose, you wonderful person. I’m sending all of the love. I’m so glad you shared all this. I can one hundred percent relate to the complete emptying of our will to do anything at all when the void swallows us whole. It’s really big that you were able to get this out and post it despite that. This is a win, and every win warrants celebrating right now. This definitely counts as self care and I’m proud of you for doing it.

I want to say all of the obvious things, the things that you know but which might be nice to read anyway. I hear what you’re saying and I understand. In some way, I’ve been where you are now, and we’ve felt the same kind of pain. You are not alone, not in this and not ever. You are so very appreciated, so loved. You deserve practically the exact opposite of what you’re going through right now. I’ve only bumped into you a few times so far, but it has all been so positive. I think you’re pretty great, Mystrose! You do such amazing work on here, and I know that because I’ve seen you do it in real time and I’ve felt it firsthand. Your response helped me to not feel so alone, and I really hope mine can help you in the same way (even if it’s by the tiniest bit). That dark, huge, empty void is the worst. I know that all of the words in the world can’t fix something like that, but still. You deserve to hear them.

I’m really sorry Friday was so horrible. How have you been since then? You’re very self-aware about your relationship with SH, it’s great that you know so clearly that it can’t help you with what’s going on. I don’t know if you’ve done something like a safety plan before, but maybe that’s worth having a look at. The link is here, for your convenience. I just know how hard it is to do the emotional labour required to come up with alternative solutions when the urges are strong, so even thinking about what you’ll do if it comes up may be helpful sometime down the line to burn those 30 or so minutes.

Keeping up with life is so frigging difficult in times like this. Right now I hope you know that it’s okay, totally reasonable even, to lower your expectations. You’re fighting a war, of course you can’t be at 100% productivity. Anybody who’s been there would understand. I wish I could share some way out of this but I don’t know the way either. All I can really say is that during this time you should lean on whatever supports are available to you. Again, I’m so happy you came here to say this. We will always be here to listen and offer support. Your Heart Support family has got your back.

It’s completely okay that you didn’t get your meds refilled, you won’t find any chiding here. Nothing but love! I want you to get the best possible support, and sooner rather than later, so If it’s possible could someone else get them for you?

I don’t know much about your story, but if you want to share any of it, or talk about anything else, I’ll be happy to listen. You’ll be in my thoughts and I hope today will be at least slightly better than the days that came before. We care about you so much.

[Ashwell]

Hi Rosie
I am so sorry you are going through these dark times. I completely undertand what you have described. The feeling when getting up from a bed is too hard, or that getting food from the fridge is simply too much work. I get that I absolutely do, however I still think you should get your pills as soon as possible, because it wount get better without them. Can you ask someone for help getting the pills? Like Greg or someone else who could just go with you step by step and support you? I know its hard but it is necesarry in order to get better to get your medication. I am glad that you get supported in your therapy program Rosie. I know you have said that you feel like its helping and I think it does, however do you think it might be a bit too intense for you sometimes? I am just trying to figure out what might be the cause for the return of your depression and you getting emotionally exhausted might be one of the causes, but i am not an expert, I am just putting out ideas. I am here to talk when you need to Rosie. I always am . I really hope this depressive episode will pass soon

[Sita]

oh Rosie,
I do hope that it eases up, until then I hope you are being kind and gentle to yourself.

Hoping this passes soon, but also i hope you’ll be in touch with your doctors if needed to let them know what’s going on as well.
You’re loved and appreciated

[Mystrose]

Thank you @E_Man @ManekiNeko @Rick @Ashwell and @Sita for your words of encouragement and love. I feel your support.

I woke up feeling pretty much the same and I have appreciated the DMs this morning from friends who are concerned. When you don’t feel like a whole person and everything is dark and empty, it’s very comforting to know I have such amazing support from people who actually truly care about me. So, thank you everyone.

I have to go out later and I’ll pick up my meds too. @Rick I do have a safety plan written up here, thank you for reminding me of it.

[Rick]

Of course! We got you. I hope your outing will go smoothly/has gone well. You’re doing so great.

Please keep sharing with us when it feels right. I’m here to hear you, I hope that getting it out may help. I know this will be a long fight but you’ll have us with you in spirit, always.