I can never tell if this is the end of the road, or the start of a new one. But I feel like I’ve hit a dead end. My emotions have been a roller coaster the last 3 months but especially these last couple of weeks! I’ve been attempting to remove this guy from my life, because he’s just not healthy! I’ve got him blocked everywhere except through text! And I’m guilty, I’ve texted him every single day (minus a few), just so he knows that I’m here and I still care. But last night when I messaged him… he responded. He said that he was receiving threats to him and his family. And it broke my heart. I spend over an hour on the phone with him last night, and we just talked, and I cried a lot.
I asked him a few days before when I texted him, I said do you still think about me, do you worry about me? I wanted his answer to be yes, obviously because I still care about him, well last night he finally gave me his answer and it was this! I still worry about you because you’re human, but I despise you as a person. It absolutely broke my heart, and I just cried. He continued to ask me every time he heard me cry, why are you crying, you did this to yourself… And I didn’t know how to respond… I know he’s right! I lied to him because I was scared of losing him, so I told him what he wanted to hear, and that’s why I lost him! There’s so many things I regret, but it happened, and all I can do is learn from it.
I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place right now… We talked last night, the talked seem to go okay… but I’m just not sure where my head is at. I don’t know what to do at this point! Everyone is going to tell me to block him, and go for good, but for now I don’t think that is the best option as he’s going through a lot, and he reaches out to me when he needs me, and I reach out to him when I need him! When I got in my accident, I called him, we talked, and he helped me through it, he made sure I was okay, and tried to comfort me.
But it’s the end of the road for us… he will never again be the person I need him to be for me… never again. So now I’m left here, not sure how to feel! But I need advice, I need comfort! How do you let someone go, how do I move on? Why did I get attached to him so much!? I mean he saved my life (from thousands of miles away), he stopped me from ending my life, that means a lot to me, it’s something I can’t forget or let go… What am I supposed to do… when the best part of me was always you (him)?
Sorry for going on another long rant, I just need to get my feelings out somewhere, and be constructive with my feelings and not destructive.