From foobie: For context, I live in a basement suite with my dad and his gf in a 2 bedroom. I caught my dad smoking inside because I noticed the smell right away. I knocked on his door to tell him to knock it the hell off and all he told me was “okay, bye”. He says this whenever I point out he shouldn’t be doing something that he knows he shouldn’t be doing. We have gotten a final warning from the landlords about smoking inside, he has gotten a written contract that he signed that he CANNOT smoke on the property because he used to smoke inside whenever the hell he wanted I am really worried we are going to be evicted because of him again. We got evicted last time because he did not pay rent on time (usually weeks late or he stole my money to pay it) and he smoked inside that caused the walls to be yellow and the carpet to be almost black.
He has also started drinking early in the morning, usually when he wakes up. I found him drunk or high at 9 am yesterday when i went to get my food. Then I found him drinking a full bottle of whisky in his room when I opened the door. He has tons of bottles of wine in his room, either half empty or completely empty. He has shots every day as well, buys vodka drinks every day. I hear him crack open can of coke so he can mix it with whatever.
All of this gives me a lot of anxiety. He goes from being completely delusional to high energy and then angry every day. It’s exhausting and gives me anxiety and panic attacks. He is abusive either way and I don’t have anywhere else I can afford to live, but I really want to leave. I am only on disability and on the housing registry, there’s nothing else I can do. I am dong school so I can’t work at the same time. I just feel trapped here and I feel like it’s just going to end the way it always does, with us being evicted and me being forced to find a place I can’t afford.
From foobie: I got home from shopping with my dad’s gf and he was giving us the silent treatment so I asked what she wanted for dinner and he called us “fucking idiots”. He said he wasn’t going to make dinner for us anymore so I decided I was going to make dinner for us and then he said that. He is getting more and more abusive towards us and has been drinking more and more. I feel unsafe when he gets like that because he forcibly grabbed me last time so I couldn’t call my sister for help. I now have a locking door handle and have locked my door. I do not feel safe to be around him but I don’t have another place to go that I can stay for a long time and do school work with.
Maybe you and his GF should find a place together. Neither of you need to be around that. If you really feel unsafe, let your school know, as their counselor may be able to put you in touch with someone who can help you find a safer place to live.
From foobie: He apologized just now. But i do know that what he did wasn’t okay. She doesn’t want to leave but I do want my own place. I can only afford a room right now but my friend is looking to buy a house so maybe i can move in with him.
I’m so very sorry that life has been so heavy with your dad’s situation. It sounds like he really is in denial regarding his behavior, and not willing to consider any improvement or healing. If it only affected him, that would be his choice, but in this situation it is unfair as it heavily affects you every day. It shouldn’t be that way, and I’m sorry that you’ve been enduring this behavior. You’ve been for so long very mature, very thoughtful, very careful, and it must be exhausting to see that your dad isn’t following your example – even at the risk of sabotaging your efforts.
We surely don’t want you to end up evicted and to live in a place you couldn’t afford. These are all very stressful perspectives, and it certainly feels like being in a sinking ship while having for only possibility to watch it sinking.
Based on what you have shared, I’d like to suggest a couple of things – if that is okay:
Do you have any other family member that you could reach out to about this situation? Someone who may not live with you, but trusted enough to talk with, and who could maybe try to intervene with your dad. Or even just to help you through the future steps that may need to be taken.
Would you consider getting in touch with social services? At least to have some feedback from them and support. They would be able to provide you appropriate information that could help you protect yourself, protect your situation and maybe create needed changes in your life. It may be possible to get in touch with social services either through your school, through the service that acknowledged/validated the disability status, or even just by finding appropriate informations online.
^^^^^ Reaching out, not staying alone, and getting proper information regarding your options there could be key in your situation. I know it’s probably very scary though, and just this perspective would raise many questions in intself. I’d like to encourage you to consider those, as you really deserve to not have to worry about all of this anymore, and to go to school as well as build your future just as you need. You haven’t done anything to create this situation, and you should never have to suffer it.
Hey Foobie, Thank you for your post, I am so incredibly sorry that you feel so stuck in this situation with your Dad, it is dreadfully unfair of your Dad to put you both in danger of being evicted.
I hear your pain and sadness when you speak of your dad drinking so much and smoking, not taking care of himself and acting irrationally, that must be very frightening at times.
You are doing amazingly well managing to go to school and keep everything together through all of this but I wonder if you would find things easier if you were to try to make contact with social services? You could either try yourself or maybe ask at your school. They could really offer you help and you deserve the help, I am sure that can sound a bit scary but I think the good would outweigh any negativity in tht situation but of course you need to think about a decision like that. We are all here for you no matter what. Take care of yourself for now Foobie, you are loved. x
From foobie: I did ask his gf to talk to him and she did. He ended up apologizing for what he’s been doing and that he acknowledged that he has been drinking more. I am going to be meeting with my grandma (his mom) to talk to her about everything that’s been happening for mothers day. He didn’t really acknowledge that he shouldn’t be smoking inside though which bothers me. I don’t know if they have social services for adults here in canada but I wouldn’t know what to talk about without getting my dad into trouble or the situation being reported.
From foobie: My dad knows I get anxiety when the laundry is started late and his gf just started doing laundry, it is now 8 pm, laundry is supposed to be done at 10 pm. He has said before that he understands it gives me anxiety but when I told his gf not to do it late he just yells at me that the time its done is 10 pm and that I am changing the rules. I have had so much stress from school that I haven’t been able to sleep, anxiety from laundry makes it impossible to sleep. This is because I live in a basement suite with my dad and the pump goes off for the hot water every 10 minutes. It is unbearable. I can’t breathe right now and I want to cry. I say how I feel at any time to him. I just want to die right now.
From ManekiNeko: Oh foobie, that is really stressful. Doing housework and making noise so late at night isn’t really necessary. Maybe there could be a schedule for laundry days or at least time frames for it and hopefully you can sit down with you dad and tell him that you’ve been struggling to get a good night rest, so would it be possible to plan out when things like the laundry gets done so that it doesn’t keep you awake?
Sometimes my wife’s snoring would keep me awake. I started using ear plugs. Trying to change other people’s behavior is stressful, and it succeeds only when the other person really wants to, and even then it’s likely to only be temporary.
When I fly, I either use earplugs or noise cancelling earbuds. I have a continuous loop of ocean waves and rain playing at night, so if my wife’s snoring isn’t really loud, I find the recording to be very helpful for relaxation.
It’s easier to adapt than it is to compel someone else to change.
Hey Foobie, I was just thinking about how I would deal with that situation in your shoes and goodness its a tough one. I was thinking though, if I walked into any situation in the future where I sensed or a word was spoken that I knew was going to errupt because of alchol or bad tempers, I would calmly just leave the room again and go back later when things had calmed down, I appreciate that it is possible to argue with yourself but its not half as entertaining so it should end a lot faster hopefully. You can keep yourself safe and out of the way in your room for that time. That is just I how I think I would manage it until I could move away and that would be awesome if you can get a room at your friends place (I hope that works out for you) its up to you if you think this would work for you or not. I am pleased your dad apologized for his behaviour. you are loved foobie xx
From foobie: We do have a schedule, every sunday and thursday until 10 pm. He knows it gives me anxiety but he gets mad at me anyway. He yells at me to say it will be done before I go to bed but he doesn’t need to yell at me to say that
From foobie: I do have earplugs and a noise machine but I can still hear the pump go off every 10 minutes because it is a door down. I am in a basement suite
From foobie: I do leave and lock my door or I ask to hang out with my friend or bf. Just coming back home gives me anxiety because I don’t know if he will still be angry or will act like nothing happened
From foobie: Caught my dad smoking inside again. There was a smell of smoke in my room so i opened his door and it reeked of cigarette smoke. I said “I smell the damn smoke” and his immediate response was to lie and gaslight me and said “no you didn’t”. I’m so mad. I’m so tired of this place. I looked at places and everything is over 1k for a fucking place to live. I am only on disability. It’s $900 for just a room. I cannot work with school because I wouldn’t have time. I already have so much anxiety and I am on one hour of sleep right now. The only option is to just fucking kill myself to get out of this shit. I have nowhere to go. Nobody wants to help me. Nobody gives a shit until we get thrown out because of him.
Thank you for sharing here; I know that the dad’s smoking issue has been going on for a while for you and it stinks to hear that this is still causing issues. I know nothing I say can truly remedy what you’re going through and that this situation causes a lot of stress, frustration, and upset. All those emotions are 100% valid.
I’d suggest trying to take things one step at a time. If you do get thrown out eventually, perhaps you cross that road if/when it comes to it (as it will also force your dad to help figure out what comes next). For right now, try to get as much rest as you’re able to. Being on one hour of sleep makes everything harder, so I think you’ll feel a bit better if you get a chance to rest.
I’m wishing you the best as you navigate this challenging situation.
<3 Tuna
PS: If you are considering suicide, remember that crisis resources are available for you (988 in the US). Please don’t hesitate to reach out to them; you’re worth it.
From foobertdoobert: I can’t relax at home anymore. My dad is always snapping at me no matter what I say. I have so much anxiety that I’m just mad all the time and I can’t calm down. I have 4 days to finish all my work and I can’t even focus on it. I’m tired of being here. I don’t like it here. I’m tired of my dad being home all the time and thinking everyone is below him. He sleeps all day and doesn’t do any job searching or paper work that he is SUPPOSED TO DO. If he doesn’t do it he will get his income removed from his injury. He just makes this place uncomfortable and hostile.
It sounds like your dad is very depressed and it’s making him irritable. I’m sorry that you’re stuck living in that kind of situation. Hopefully you can steer clear of him long enough to get your work done. Also, is it possible to take you work somewhere else to finish?
I understand why you don’t like it there. Hopefully you can survive until you are free to leave.
From foobertdoobert: I work in my room but just being at home gives me anxiety. I can’t live somewhere else because being on disability isn’t enough here. Everything is really expensive. I am already renting with my dad