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For me it’s going through cps and seeing moved family to family anytime i thought I’d found a home and that I was loved. When I finally got adopted I thought I was HOME at last, but when I one of their biological kids abused me, they chose to take their side and ignore it. They later went on to cut me off completely a year later leaving me with no support from any family. The ordeal was such a big publicized thing that caused many of my friends to push me away cause they didn’t know how to be there for me. In my adult life, i still have no family and with my mental health being as it is, its very difficult to make friwnds or connect with anyone. Socializing is hard for me and scary because i never know if im giving too much of myself or not enough. It feels that despite my best attempts. Many people seem to grow d8stant or apart from me gradually over time until theyre gone completely. Theyres so mqny people i still reach out to just to say hi and ask how they are but nobody save for maybe two ever reply. Nonetheless, I always leave an update on my life to let them know I’m still breathing and fighting. And I always make sure they know I love them and if they ever reach out for anything, I’ll be there. I love humanity. But it hurts me and saddens me that i cannot bring anyone else to love each other. I’ve given up on my desire foe love for myself. Now, i find the most hurt and sadness and unworthiness in my inability to lead others to love those that they have and those whom they may find. Thank you for this open opportunity to voice and share this.
Oh friend. Thank YOU so much for opening up and sharing all of this. Your voice is so important to hear, and you have so many important experiences to share. It is also inspiring to hear about your outlook on LOVE and your willingness to try to bring more of it into this world - even if it is faced with challenges that reality brings all the time. Just reading your post here, it is so obvious how beautiful your heart is, and I’m so very sorry that you have yet to find the type of love and sense of belonging you’ve always needed.
I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for you when you were young, to navigate through these different places, to hold on to the HOPE of finally going to a place where you would be safe and loved unconditionally, to feel like belonging somewhere and having the possibility to settle in. You have been challenged multipled times by how harsh this world can be, and how unloving people can end up being when they don’t understand a situation properly. You have survived throughout these repeated griefs and losses, and I’m personally so thankful that you are here today, and even more that you are talking about it. Ever since you were born in this world, you always deserved to have people in your life who would love you unconditionally. Still as an adult, you deserve to feel like belonging.
I very much relate to what you have said about constantly navigating between not knowing when you would take too much space versus when it’s not enough. When you have known experiences that have made you question your own right to occupy space, it becomes very challenging to feel allowed to even be in the first place. It feels at times like a neverending struggle that has no perfect solution. A trap to the mind that no one else sees, but is so very present for you and in your own world.
For what it’s worth - I can assure you that right here and right now, opening up is absolutely okay and you belong just as you are in this very moment. You don’t need to be a certain way - you only need to be you. That is the most precious gift that one can receive by interacting with you! Some people did/will not see it as such, but there is definitely people out there who can be your people - ones that won’t question your worth, ones that would show that they genuinely care.
If overall socializing is challenging for you, I would encourage you to spend some time in the Heartsupport community - on the forum called “the support wall”, and/or on the Discord server (HeartSupport). Being a very insecure/socially anxious person, this place has been a huge crutch to explore various interactions at my own pace. And despite the urges to withdraw multiples times, I have always been met with the consistency of genuine love/care there. We may not be able to revolutionize the world, and it’s not an individual responsibility but to change everyone’s perspective. But there are small yet valuable steps that can always be taken. By opening up today, sharing these parts of your story and being authentic, you are contributing to make this world a much better, loving place. Thank you for being here today. Sending friendly hugs your way.