Has anyone really survived this?

TW suicide, self harm

to make a long story short as possible i did some fucked up things-- i cheated on my ex with my partner now, who also cheated on his ex, leading to a months long spiral between all 4 of us, but especially our exes who felt terrible. we’d broken up with our exes before dating each other, but still.

because of my guilt and the potential of leaving my ex without a place to stay for the school year (college), i agreed to stay with her until i graduated (5 days ago) as fwb, which was what she said she needed to move on from me. our mutual friend agreed we could do this so everyone in the situation could reset, but me and my current partner fucked up by talking to each other again. eventually the friend told me i needed to commit to someone and stick to it because going back and forth between them was hurting everyone. i chose my partner and went home to date him again. my stay at home extended for a few months bc of covid. when i returned my ex crossed my physical boundaries, and kept pushing for me to either cheat on my partner or break up with him to stay with her until graduation, even after i agreed to take a break from my partner. i tried to get her to go to therapy but she didn’t stick to it/ she began self harming and expressing ideation. eventually i had to hospitalize her when she made an attempt and move back home. she wasn’t doing well, spam calling me everyday, but she started to spiral again 5 days ago and now even her family can’t get contact with her now (we just called a wellness check).

idk. has anyone really survived someone close to them committing? how do you start living after you graduate, when you haven’t done shit before bc of constant personal issues, when feel like you don’t really deserve to because of guilt? i’m not suicidal, but how do you not spin out, if they are really gone? like in therapy and talking to others I know you shouldn’t burden yourself with the weight of someone else’s life, and i don’t hold responsibility for this part but. man.
but you know you’d have to keep living because you can’t die (not suicidal yourself), but it’s hard to want to. even writing this feels trite. almost everything does day to day, like i’m wearing bright colors at a funeral.


@solace It sounds like this has been a really difficult time for you. Have you heard back from the wellness check yet? Please let us know when you do. Everyone makes their own decisions in any situation and we each need to take responsibility for our choices. It sounds like you have started working through this. Remember, your ex and your current partner have also made their choices as well and they have to work through their choices as well. No one can be responsible for someone else’s decisions. Your concerns and feelings show that you care deeply for each person involved. Let them know that you care and use that care and concern to help drive your decision making going forward. It’s going to be a process and will take time and being intentional but you can do this. Please let us know what happens with the wellness check and how you are doing going forward.


From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi @solace. First of thank you some much for sharing your thoughts with us and being vulnerable. I understand that you are feeling guilty. Yes what you did was wrong. Cheating on somebody is wrong and a person should be responsile for their bad choices. However you cant take responsibility for someone elses bad choices. I understand that you have hurt your ex partner but their behavior was also questionable. They have made some bad choices too. You have made some bad desicions but you can grow from this. Realise what you did wrong and try to be better. There are good people who have done bad things. Its up to you where you go from this. If you let this take you down or if you will try to learn from this and be better. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.


thank you all
an update: my ex is currently detained under 72 hour watch
i hope to learn how to manage my emotions better and have better boundaries with my partner as my therapist advises, but i’m still figuring it out


I am glad that your ex is in hospital and didnt hurt themeselves. Your journey is hard solace but I believe that with the help of therapy you can figure things out. Even though you have made mistakes there are good things in you. You care abou the safety of your ex and felt bad when they were hurting. You have the desire to learn from your mistakes which is a great first step. I am glad that you have decided to go this road to be better. Stay strong and hang in there. I wish you the best of luck :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like

Hey @Solace,

Thank you so much for sharing these updates. It is so good to hear that your ex is alive and safe, even though being under surveillance might be the beginning for her of a challenging healing journey.

The both of you obviously have been through quite a lot of turbulence. It is understandable that, given the circumstances of your ex’s life right now, you feel some very mixed up emotions between what you know as being real and what you actually feel. The times when our heart and our mind are not in harmony can be very painful, but they also hold a real potential for growth. This is something very common when we face a brutal and unexpected event like a loss or a potential loss as the one you’ve just experienced.

After my brother passed away a couple of years ago, I couldn’t help but feeling like I didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t want to die, but I lost this necessary spark of life for a while. I felt guilty for having a chance he didn’t have anymore, for being luckier than him at the genetic lottery. When we are met with something brutal and unfair, we want to understand why it happened… and an easy way to feel like regaining some control is by putting the blame on us.

Is it fair though? Aren’t there things, objectively, out of our control? If we are honest with ourselves, what can we actually learn from these situations? How can we make sure to create meaning out of it, and not let it rot under a pile of shame and avoidance?

On one hand: yes, you are right, her actions are not your responsibility. It’s essential to acknowledge that. Regardless of how your relationship was or is right now, your ex’s reactions and decisions are still their own. Hurting herself surely displays vulnerabilities that exist beyond the dynamic of your relationship. On the other hand, you know that what you’ve both been through has been emotionally challenging and was probably not a healthy mix of circumstances for the both of you.

The perspective of her potentially taking her own life certainly brings its share of reality checks. When we lose someone or feel helpless while witnessing someone in pain, it’s not uncommon to ask ourselves “what if?”, “what could have I done differently?”, “am I responsible for what is happening?”. These questions can be really helpful and help you grow, but they also hold the potential to be pretty destructive if it is met with too much shame. Guilt is uncomfortable, but it can also be a powerful stepping stone towards growth for you. If we don’t learn from what we evaluate as being personal mistakes, then we condemn ourselves to repeat it over and over through our life. That’s obviously not what you want, which is truly admirable.

It is really positive that you are working with your therapist, because guilt should never be the destination. It’s a tool. A very powerful one. And I truly commend you for acknowledging it and being honest with your story. A lot of people would have tried to hide it because of shame or a fear of judgment, although in the end we are our worst critics. But you are not running away. You are seeking truth, growth and accountability. You are trying to identify what belongs to you and what is about things that you can’t control. What you can do, 100%, is to learn to understand yourself better and why you have been feeling this need for a changing attachment with your ex. And as you have stated, to learn how to define boundaries with your ex that would be healthy for both of you. Timing plays a huge role in relationships. For now, you and her might need to keep some distance and heal your wounds on your own before eventually creating a new type of friendship with a new dynamic.

I hope you know that none of this makes you a bad person, and certainly not underserving to live. Your worth is not tied to this series of events. Although this is going to be a learning process for you, one that might be uncomfortable at times or even heartbreaking, but definitely something that is going to help you grow, to connect deeper with yourself, your needs, and understand others’ better too, as long as you remain open to it and keep seeking help.

Now you can sit down, observe the situation with a distance, acknowledge, understand and learn from what happened. Make sure to be honest with yourself, but also to give yourself a good amount of grace through that process. Between complete denial and a freezing self-bashing type of response, there is a real place for growth. Well done for engaging yourself on that path. Rest assured that you are not alone, and your life experiences - either positive or negative - only display that you are, ultimately, human.

Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:


This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.