Heartsupport i pretend to be ok i smile and nod wh

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@HeartSupport

I pretend to be ok, I smile and nod

When it comes to night when family / partner were/ are asleep I tear up in silence

But I’m 23 and don’t know where I’m going in life and don’t know what my purpose is or how to find it.
I always tell myself I would like to be wealthy one day and happy / kind person but right now this tunnel doesn’t seem like a tunnel anymore it seems like I’m at the bottom of the ocean walking continuously with no light in sight.

I have broken up with my partner few years ago and then got back together thinking I’d be ok again I guess I was happy or atleast she made me forget about the unhappiness I guess until (last few weeks it just felt like she didn’t respect me as her partner/as a person and treated me like a dog when she said here boy she’d expect me to come) type thing

my actual main reason

Started mainly since last couple years of school after I had open heart surgery I lost my motivation and happiness. I’m Australian so my atar was awful / not great to go straight into uni and then even that I didn’t know what I wanted to do for my future. I’m not stupid but I’m not a straight A student either
During school I wasn’t the most popular person but I had a lot of people that knew me and few “real” friends but had a lot of fake friends or acquaintances I guess. Now those few real friends moved away I still sometimes keep in touch and see them very occasionally.

I feel stuck, lost and lonely.
I wouldn’t say I hate socialising but I find it quite draining with certain people. I use to be more of a extrovert and would speak to anyone say anything wtc but I feel like I’ve lost myself and I’m more of an introvert now but I feel like it’s because I suppressed who I was because of a previous partner for so long I lost me. As well on top of everything

@heartsupport

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Hey!

When I was younger, I’m kind of old now in my mid 30s, I also wanted wealth/love as my main focus’ in life. I learned through, achieving the “material dream” side of success when I was with my last long term partner, that none of that was the answer for me. I was grateful for learning this lesson, but it was also a hard lesson to learn at the same time. It was when I first hit rock bottom, realizing that wealth/an attractive partner, and having the things I need. Were not the answer to me feeling happy, and not wanting to be alive anymore.

I also had the similar situation where I was with someone for that amount of time, and I became very accustomed to the way they treated me, and the expectations that they put on me(some of which I do not think were healthy expectations). After that relationship it had me feeling a lot of insecurity when trying to weed through the things that were correct about that relationships expectations, and the things that were not correct. I am still effected by it today I think, a little bit, but it was a long time ago now, so the effects are much lessoned.

I think that the answers for me, that have really helped me grow past some of these things. Were I worked really hard on beating the co-dependency side of my personality and growing self-love to try to be more self sufficient in my emotions, and to not rely on others so heavily for the gratifications I needed. Self-gratification, through building healthy routines/outlets for some of the feelings I was experiencing. I think it will be important that you try to find the things that make YOU happy, and just YOU. Trying to build routines, a career, hobbies, around the things that make you feel this way. Regardless of who you are with, and understanding that no matter what things you find that you love. People who truly care about you will be accepting of that person. You should not try to force yourself to change for someone who is not treating you the way you want to be treated. You should instead look for someone who will treat you right, while allowing you to be your true self.

It must be hard having been through your surgery, and having still been in school in a state where you were/are unsure what you wanted to go to school for. Also having friends move away is tough. I never had a lot of close IRL friends myself. I have found a lot of friends through gaming. So most of my friendships exist online. I believe that you can re-find you, it may take time, but you can definitely do it. Don’t socialize too much with the people who drain you, if you don’t have to. I’m not sure the best place to find people who don’t, but if you can find a less draining way to let things out/socialize. I’m sure this could be helpful. Even if it is just sharing your feelings on here. We got your back. I don’t know if I say the right things ever, but I do hope you find some relief, and feel a bit better. Feel free to share more if you want/need. <3

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@@HeartSupport thank you, it helped a bit to see that I’m not the only one in a similar boat.

Do you have anyway that you did to help you find what your enjoyment or passion was for either studying or working towards something you enjoyed? In terms of a career