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@heartsupportwall I definitely relate to the confrontation to past traumas during a time when life seemed to be already shattered. There was this pain already present, due to major losses in my life, but the more life forced me to dig in, and the more helpless I felt in face of all the pain that was buried for so long. Never have I felt so hopeless than when I realized how much in denial and survival I was for almost forever. I’ve been for years in this “dark night of the soul” and have grown a lot, also not afraid to reach out anymore. But I still find myself, sometimes alone at night, feeling like I must be too broken, that it’s all too much to deal with. Feeling condemned to be stuck because we’re brave with our pain, with ourselves, is a painful narrative.
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“Find myself, sometimes alone at night, feeling like I must be too broken, that it’s all too much to deal with.” What a relatable statement. To feel in the midst of all of the striving, all of the hoping, a kind of projection - can I keep doing this? Can I keep fighting against the tide? I feel so exhausted here, so far from where I want to be - can I keep going? That moment is a scary moment, to feel like the only thing keeping you upright is staying in motion but to feel so exhausted you don’t know if your legs can keep you going. It’s like pedaling uphill for too long and feeling like your legs are going to give way. And you know…a part of you kind of fantasizes about the relief - maybe, maybe I can just stop. Maybe I can stop trying so hard, just give in to gravity, and let it take me back downhill. Maybe I can just fall, and let go. And for the moment, you almost do, because there’s still so much mountain left to climb. But you don’t. And you keep going, and you wonder what kept you from giving up, and you wonder how your legs are still going. How there’s still fight in you. But you don’t marvel at yourself because you are too preoccupied with one foot after the next. You’re in the moment, in the journey. But you know - those moments are actually the moments people outside your story would say…WOW. That person, they’re a hero. I am in awe of their determination. It’s like, the turning point in all movies where the hero almost gives up, but somehow finds the grit to keep going. You are that hero. And it’s okay it doesn’t feel like it - you still have to climb the mountain, fight the monster, save the day. But that’s actually the context of the story. You are heroic to face this pain, these trials, and to keep going. It’s okay not to internalize the pride right here and now, but one day you will look back - or at least I hope you do - and realize - this…right here…this was some depth of character. I’m proud of the fight in me.
Trying to find comfort and console yourself when your mind is hurting so much is way too much for anyone to bear alone. I tried facing those nights alone as well, and thank god for the people in my life now who start to recognise the signs in me when things start to get too much.
Reaching out is so hard and so I commend you so much on the work you’ve done to get to that place. I hope you continue to heal the more you keep reaching out
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Hi Friend, I am so pleased that you have found the courage, the strength and the place to open yourself up and allow others to hear some of how you feel. You have found a community at heartsupport where you need not every feel alone again. We are always here for you. Lisa. x
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Hi Friend.
I can really relate to what you’ve said about “feeling condemned to be stuck because we’re brave with our pain”. I often feel that way because people always tell me how strong I am because of what I’ve been through. It sometimes feels like people are telling me because I was strong in the past that I must always be strong. Sometimes I need to fall apart and that’s okay. I hope that you give yourself grace to feel the emotions that you’re experiencing. Your feelings are valid and it’s okay to not always be the “brave” or “strong” one.
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Oh the night time when we’re laying there alone with our whirling thoughts and we just feel lost, broken, worthless and miserable. I hate that we can be in that dark place and convince ourselves that we’re beyond help, beyond hope. And how those feelings can lie to us. The truth is hard to find in those times. It’s when we put those feelings to the light of truth that we can find that we are not too broken, we are not too damaged. You are valuable, you are unique and lovable. And you matter to this world. What you have in you while painful can also be used to push forward, to use that strength to reach up for help and know that you matter and this world needs what you have.
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