Hi friends. I am sorry. This is going to be depressing. I just had my enterance exam for my first school. It was hard. There were hard questions and a lot of them. The environment was made purposefully in a way that’s uncomfortable. This is something they have told us. That they want to test us under pressure in a stressful cramped environment. I was stressed. I dont know if I succeed the exam. I will know that next week. I thought I would feel relief after the exam but I felt even more shitty then before. There was so little time I don’t even remember most of the questions. I am just sad and tired. I answered them all in the end but they were hard and I am super not sure about the answers.
The whole last part of the exam which was an essay I could not stop thinking about how I would rather die then do this. Even if I manage to get enough points there are still 2 more parts to this. I was in such a bad mental state on Thursday that I almost self harmed. My therapist told me to write down my thoughts when I felt like killing myself so here they are:
“I just keep thinking that I am just not enough. My best is just not enough. I am a disappointment to my parents. I should have killed myself sooner to avoid this. There is nothing that would make life worth it. I want to die. It’s not worth the effort. It’s worse then I thought. I don’t want to be here, why should I try to keep myself alive. Just let me die. Images of me looking at a train coming at me and hitting me. Why do I have to choose between being alive and making people slightly less unhappy while wanting to die or doing what I want and killing myself while making everyone more unhappy. Why can’t people just accept that I want to die. If people didn’t care it would make this easy. The few good things are only there to give me hope so I keep suffering. This will never be worth it.”
So yeah. I don’t really look forward to anything. I am sorry but I am tired of living. I just don’t think it’s worth it.
I can relate to this, not the exam part, but the feeling of pressure from all of the world. Especially from my dad. That’s a whole other story. But, when I have situations like this, I find something to hold onto. For example, I think of how my closest friends would feel. Or sometimes I think, well it might get better, why give up now? I know it is very confusing to have thoughts like these and sometimes I have to distract myself. I don’t know what hobbies you are into but sometimes doing something that you like helps quite a bit! I’ve been having it rough and today I did a little bit of art, it helped a little. Listening to music helps as well! Whenever I have thoughts like these, I found it always helpful to hear or read encouraging words from others. Even if they are strangers to you.
A lot of rough things in life show up. But good things in life are there too! It is good to have balance, and you can find that balance between sad and happy (for example). Without one, the other doesn’t exist. Just know that you are valued, even if it just seems like the appreciation comes from me and people on here. Life has good things to offer, even when we feel like we have no purpose. When I think of this, I just think. “How can I make the best of it?” I’m probably not qualified to give advice, as I am just a 16 year old. But I’m sorry that you are going through this. If it makes you feel better, I’ll give you a virtual hug! It’s good that you came here and vented to other people. heartsupport has helped me a bit. I’ve felt less alone after talking on here and I hope you do too! I hope you feel better, it doesn’t feel good to have these thoughts, I know. I give you support and lots of love!
Hey Ash, I know you are not feeling this my friend but I am enormously proud of you for working your way up to and through what sounds like some sort of torture, Im quite disgusted with what you say you were put through today, I dont believe it was necessarry at all to put you in bad conditions, however I do believe that even in that situation you did your very best and for that you should also be proud and so should your parents, there is nothing that they could possibly feel let down by. Remember Ash about thoughts, you say it yourself “just thoughts” yes hopeless, horrid, sad, depressive but still “just thoughts” you are not your thoughts. you are and intelligent, huge hearted, wonderful human being, yes human, you are allowed to make mistakes and get up and try again so please give yourself some grace, take a breath and get some well earned rest. You are loved. Lisa xx
I think we all feel that way sometimes and it’s important to know that you have to take things 1 day at a time. Sometimes 1 hour at a time. Sometimes 1 minute at a time. The view from halfway down is terrifying and there’s no coming back. The better option is to make tomorrow better. But everyone feels the way you do sometimes, but it’s not forever. The darkness is a part of life. Having moments of doubt and pain are a part of life. Wanting to die is a part of life. But once you do, there’s no going back. Eternal nothingness is worse than bad days. Because eventually there will be a good day.
From: Dr Hogarth
Reading this took me right back to the period of my life when I was taking exams, which was without a doubt, the worst and most desperate time in my life. The uncertainty coupled with the expectation before the exam, the stress and hopelessness during the exam and then the ruminating after the exam. I am shocked though that this school is making it even worse for you by making you physically uncomfortable; that’s pretty obscene. For someone who is sensitive to stressful environments, that is incredibly damaging and I think you have been wronged by them. I have come across this during my time at uni; it’s toxic and does very sadly drive people into desperate situations.
I actually had to pull out of uni for a while after I got so sick during the exam period, so I really do understand where you’re coming from and I wish so much that I could give you some magic nugget of wisdom that would make things better. I can only tell you that the time where you have to take exams will come to an end, and believe me, that moment when you get your final test result is such a relief. Exams matter a lot less in life after the time that you’ve done them, but I know that’s easy to say from the other side.
Despite all of this, however, you answered all the questions in the exam! That’s just amazing. Even thought they thought it was appropriate to make you so uncomfortable and stressed, even though you’re in this pain. I can’t help but see that as remarkable and a testament to your character. You have so much to live for and you are so much more than enough .x
You know what?
I’m stinking proud of you.
Even with all the ups and downs of mood and the intense thoughts, You Did The Exam, you finished all the parts, and you survived whatever conditions they created to make is stressful.
You got the thing done. You did your best. Don’t worry about it now. I hope you treated yourself to something special for getting it done, even if you don’t feel like it, celebrate it someone, honour it somehow.
You’re amazing and you’re loved
Hi friends @Sita @Anonymous8 @Lisalovesfeathers eloquent @dr_hogarth and lovecraft. Thank you all for your support and love. It means the world to me. Yesterday was hard and i wasnt doing very good. I was in a very bad place. I am better now thanks to you all and my familly that has been supportive. I am very thankful for that. I am at my parents place now until Thuesday and I enjoy the company of cats which are a great source of comfort. The stress isnt over and there are exams ahead of me. There will be many ups and downs and I am not looking forward to that. I am trying to pull through. Thank you all for your support. I hope you are all doing well. I thought i will ilustrate what my mood looks like these days but I dont want to be depressing again so I will simply show you on a picture of my cat. Light and dark and it shifts very quickly.
I am still not ok but its not as bad as it was, however I know its going to get worse again. Thank you all for your love. I appretiate it
I just saw this friendly reminder as a short video on Instagram yesterday. The man on it was saying: “If you have tried and failed at something: congratulations. Most people don’t even try”.
This is all about trying, which means giving yourself actual opportunities to succeed. That alone is something to be proud of.
Exams environment, being evaluated, fearing the outcomes… it’s all heavy and particularly draining. Make sure to rest as much as needed. I hope the time you will spend with your family and cats is going to be recharging to you. Enjoy all the purrs and cuddles, it is so well deserved!
You are so very loved, @Ashwell. You are building resilience in the midst of adversity. You are not letting your depression define you nor condition your life. It’s tough. It’s a real battle. But what you are doing is worth it because this is about you and who you want to be. I’m proud of you, and that is not going to change no matter the outcomes for your exam.
that CAT IS AWESOME… PAWSOME!!!
Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you Micro for your support. Love the quote you have shared. I am trying to get through this. I hope you are doing well friend.
And @Sita you are also PAWSOME
@Ashwell your cat is so cute! I hope you do well on your future exams, even if they sound terrible. Good luck!
That is a fabulous cat! What is its name? Nothing like a furry friend to improve your cat-titude
Glad that things are at least a little less painful for you. I think you’re incredible for keeping on going despite all the suffering you have experienced. Our world needs people with that sort of determination and strength. x
Hi @dr_hogarth. Thank you for the response. I don’t think I really have determination and strength. I am able to bear things for a time. But I am not really motivated or determined to move forward. I know you might not think so but it is true. My determination is really low.
Ps: the cats name is Syček. It’s a name for a type of a owl. It kind of reminded me of the owl like look.
I am numb currently. I don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t focus. I am having suicidal thoughts although the urge is not as strong as it was but I think all it would take to send me over the edge is one trigger. Why do I have to keep going? Maybe I am just postponing the inevitable.
being called pawsome is pretty high compliments! I treasure that @Ashwell and you
Would changing up the scenery help distract you a bit? Taking a walk? Hook up the kitty to a harness and leash and take her our for a quick spin in a park?
I’m sorry that it’s still so hard, and still so bleh as well.
Do you meet with your therapist soon? Would talking to people irl help at all?
Hi Siita. I am talking to people irl. I have been with my cat. I have had a good meal. It’s not about scenery. I just have 0 motivation and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like just laying down and do nothing. I am seeing a therapist next Monday. I could not make it this Monday because I am at my parents place. I just don’t think they will be able to help.
I’m so sorry, friend.
I really feel for you at the moment, I shall return if i think up any more useful ideas for you!
Until then, you matter and you’re important.
your life matters, and your presence here is a boon and a salve for many here who benefit from your love and support!
I’m sending the biggest hug I can muster, Ashwell. You really helped me the other day, I wish I had the power to show you how much I appreciate you.
I don’t have answers, I just want to send a small part of the support you deserve. I know you must be so, so tired. You’ve had to fight for so long. I wouldn’t want to push you to do anything that could deplete your energy any more than it already has been. I just know that you deserve something better than this. If you’ve ever been in as dark a place as this and come out of it, I hope you’ll remember that.
I think I know how you feel in some small way. I’ve had some awful spells when I’ve lacked the vitality to move from bed at all for days. All I wanted was to sleep, because then I didn’t have to wait for time to pass. You can imagine what my mind looked like. For seemingly no reason, eventually whatever me held let me go again. I can’t tell you why it happened like that, though I wish I could.
I hope you’ll be able to find small joys and pleasures amid these dark times, and cling onto them as long they warm you. I hope you are able to be kind to yourself in some way, and that you are able to forgive yourself for all of this – I know you never asked for it and that you would never blame someone for suffering through what you are right now. I accept you as you are right now, no judgment. I just hope that you’ll feel better soon, for you. I hope that your session on Monday will really, really help too.
Sending love, you’ll be in my thoughts Ashwell.