I 15, by the way, not sure if this is relevant or not. Almost 16.
I am pretty sure I’ve been dissociating for most my life, and recently-again, this is just what I think, i dont know for sure- ive stopped dissociating. Might not be that, but suddenly im so profoundly aware of being alive- specifically of how i WILL die. This- I dont know what- i dont know how to describe it. I dont even know what to say here. Just- please help, i dont know what to do and i dont know how i feel but its terrible and i just want it to end. I want to go back into- people describe it as a fog. I want to go back into that. I dont want to feel alive anymore. I feel like- I might be- always just on the edge of a panic attack, or some other sort of breakdown. I dont know. I dont know why but the sheer terror makes me want to hurt myself, which is odd.
i dont think i can take this- i feel like im going insane and this has only been going on 3 days, but im pretty sure this has been the worst 3 days of my life. im scared to do anything that lets me think, because then of course i will think tohughts i dont want to. please help.
Hi Anastasia,
First of all welcome to HeartSupport!
I am really sorry to hear you are going through what sounds like a very difficult time.
I may read it wrong but I feel like you might need crisis help as it might take 24 hours here to get a reply. If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself in any way please call 911 or 988 (suicide prevention line)
If you are not in the US I will link the HeartSupport resources for you to find crisis help in the place where you are. Crisis Resources | HeartSupport
Please keep us updated, I am rooting for you. You are valuable and you matter 
coming out of the fog and suddenly feelin everything does sound very intense. you know on those shows when a robot gets a human body and suddenly feels EVERYthing how overwhelming it is, this pos reminded me of that.
Do you have any trusted adults you can talk? it sounds like you can really benefit from sharing this with someone you can trust. You are not alone, we are here for you. And i’m really glad that you reached out here and shared what you’re feeling. that was very brave of you.
please reach out to resources if you are overwhelmed and need more immediate intervention or assistance. You deserve to be here, and to be safe and loved. I’m glad you’re here with us.
Hey friend,
Welcome to HeartSupport!
Thank you for opening up and letting us know what you’re dealing with. The prospect of death is indeed a terrifying one that can be a crippling thought if you put too much energy into it. Though, if @leapyeargirl did indeed read your post correctly, please do reach out to one of the hotlines she provided in her reply. We want to make sure that you’re okay.
If that isn’t the case, It’s important to understand that there is a begenning and end to all things in life and that the beauty of life is just that - life - to live the best we can while we are all here. To take the time given to us and love those who need loving, do good things for those who need help and to create beautiful things that need to be created. It’s an incredible thing really, as it’s what gives us meaning and motivation to go forward and to do hard things as well.
It can certainly be hard to deal with and an upsetting thing to think about, so please do talk to someone you can trust about this.
I believe in you and know that you will have an incredible life! Stay strong my friend!
Welcome, Anastasia! I’m so glad you found the Support Wall! I hope our words will help encourage you through this difficult time.
While you used to be able to dissociate, I see that you are consumed by the thoughts of your death. I see your panic, and it makes sense that you would prefer your fog to this. You are desperate for a way to cope with this.
Know that you don’t have to do it alone. It is definitely worth looking at the crisis resources that @leapyeargirl linked. Because this is significantly affecting the way you live your life, it might be worth discussing this with a healthcare provider.
Hold Fast. I believe you will make it through this.
hai!
i know how u feel… only dif is is that im deathly terrified of the afterlife instead of how i will die.
maybe u could find a destraction… i dont know how hard it it for u to distract yourself, but depending of how difficult it is to get rid of those thought, i think a good distraction could work. like listening to music or smth.
Funny thing- I did contact a crisis support, it didn’t really help. I’ll try the one you liked though!! Thank you so much for caring!
I am glad you contacted crisis support, I hope you did not get too discouraged that it did not really help. I hope some of the resources will be the right match for you. Also I hope that today is a bit better for you.
We care about you because you matter
That is a perfect description actually. And I do have a trusted adult, my mom, but I wouldn’t really want to worry her or anything- id just rather deal with this alone.
You are all so sweet! I can’t say I feel any better, but it is very sweet that people care. I’m still incredibly afraid, and the crisis support did not help- I did go to the one your linked, and the person was much better but I accidentally closed the tab and when I came back they had closed the chat, which sucks. I don’t want to take any more of their time so I’ll wait till tomorrow to contact them again, since I will inevitably be back on the brink of a panic attack.
I can’t say any of this helped with the fear itself, but it’s nice to know there’s people who care.
I am thinking if your mom is a trusted adult she probably has noticed you are not feeling well. I understand that you don’t want to worry her, but she might be worried already seeing you so scared. I cannot decide what you should or should not do. I just think your mom would want to listen to you as she most likely does not want you to be scared. This does not mean she has to solve it for you, sometimes just being there is already helpful.
Also, please don’t be afraid to “take time” from any crisis support. They are there for you and would rather have you chat multiple times than knowing that you are struggling so much.
I am rooting for you
THIS does make me feel better- a bit, at least. Anyways, I think my mom suspects something- she came into my room when I was crying from an assumed panic attack- I was under my blanket but still. Other than that, not only is she not really around most days, when she is it is never at the peak of my fear. So I don’t think she knows- she does think I’m depressed though- no idea if that’s true but that’s a whole other (and currently inconsequential) can of worms. And, Im almost fine right now, so I’ll still stick with contacting them tomorrow.
You arre a wonderful writer too, so maybe you consider writing down some points and show those to your mom. That way, if talking about it directly is a bit scary or difficult, maybe she can read about it first and haave a think about it then you two talk about it?
Thats actually a really good idea! I don’t know if I’ll do it, it sounds a bit awkward to be, but I might.
You might even use the things you have written here. I can imagine it will be awkward, but from my experience (which can be different from yours) it can be a huge relief to not have to hide it anymore. Hold fast!
I probably will do that… Eventually. I definitely struggle with letting my family know I’m mentally anything less then perfect, so it might be a bit tough. Especially the dissociating part, cos that inherently means somethings not right (I think?), but I imagine I can omit that part
I don’t want to talk too much about myself here. But I have been admitted to hospital several times bc of severe depression and suicidal ideation. It was scary to even tell my family I needed to go to hospital. And even worse when my mom had to be there during one of the talks that they did at admittance. So I know it does feel weird and very uncomfortable. But if you would break your leg you would also not hide it from them, and to me mental health issues can be just as much bad luck as a broken leg. It does not mean you are imperfect (and in my life I have never ever met a perfect person!!!)
It also does not mean you are broken beyond repair. And even the dissociating does not have to have the same weight as you attach to it. I think a proper mental health examination and diagnosis will help you much more than trying to figure everything out on your own.
Trust me, your family does not want or expect you to be perfect. They want to be there for you and not leave you alone in your struggles. You deserve help bc you really matter!
That is… Very encouraging, wow. My family probably doesn’t have the money for mental health stuff- that’s why we haven’t had that ever, and the reason Im here in the first place. But I’ll still tell her, if only so she knows.
Just gonna give a real quick update if you’re curious: I didn’t tell my mom, BUT today I have felt, for the most part, fine, which is HUGE. Still definitely terrified but luckily enough it seems like the problem might just be resolving itself. Hopefully at least. SO yeah, I’m cautiously optimistic about this. 
Hey there, @Anastasia 
I know I’m late to the party on this one, so I’ll try not to dwell on what’s already been said. Firstly, let’s acknowledge that how you feel is 100% valid. It’s incredibly brave of you to be so open and honest about your struggles. In my opinion, your age is relevant because you are at an age where life begins to get much more scary and complicated. From what I gather, you’ve experienced a profound shift, once grappling with dissociation, to now being fully aware of your existence and mortality. This is bound to be unsettling and overwhelming. Feeling like you’re on the edge of a panic attack or breakdown is terrifying, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling scared and unsure of how to cope.
I am concerned of your desire to self-harm, but this isn’t common when we experience emotions as intense as you have. It’s important to not get caught up in the belief that your worth is solely defined by your struggles, because everybody has a hard time and needs support at some point. I’m here to reassure you that you aren’t going insane, and that this current state of emotions is a response to your mind trying to process so many overwhelming thoughts and feelings. You aren’t alone with this, and there are people who can help you navigate through it.
First things first, take a deep breath. Inhale deeply. Always remember that it’s okay to be a bit uncertain, and to not have the answers you need. Figuring things out will take time, and you don’t need to have it all worked out right away. What you need right now is love and support. Allow yourself the opportunity to feel your feelings without judgement. A good step would be to consider talking to a trusted adult about how you’ve been feeling lately. They can offer guidance, support, and resources to help you cope with what you’re experiencing.
In the meantime, try engaging in activities that bring you comfort and calm your mind—whether it’s listening to music, going for a walk in nature, or practicing mindfulness and deep breathing exercises. Distractions can be helpful in moments of distress, but it’s also important to allow yourself the space to process your thoughts and emotions when you feel ready.
Lastly, asking for help isn’t a weakness, and you aren’t burdening anybody by reaching out. With the right support, you can and will get through this 