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I apologize

wasn’t quite sure what category to put this under but I just wanted to say sorry about the way I behaved yesterday I hope the people who responded to my messages can forgive me for the way I was acting

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Hey! Don’t apologize >:(
You didn’t do anything wrong, yes we have breakdowns but that doesn’t make us dumb or problematic for it. This is the whole reason we are here talking. To open up about issues we don’t tell anyone else. Yes sometimes we might feel stupid but no one is going to judge you here, and no one is going to hate you. You’re okay. Things happen but that doesn’t make us bad or unfixable, I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself, and won’t do anything drastic. I get feeling ashamed for opening up about something or having a breakdown but we are human, we have emotions. You’re okay, don’t ever blame yourself for breaking down or having negative emotions. There’s nothing wrong with that.
-X

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O just can’t help it I know you and everyone else has been just trying to help and I’ve just been mean and hateful

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You are loved here. I know you are going through a hard time.
You are having a very difficult time in your life. I know when i went through a difficult time i wanted to just tell everyone to f right off. So i don’t think you’re doing that bad. Give yourself grace for this. I’m trying to quit smoking and it’s not doing great. My wife is amazing but I’m snappy right now and it’s not the greatest and while 2 seconds later I’ll take it back, a few times a day right now I’ll literally go and get into a really weird mood and that’s not me at all. So i can respect that you are having a hard time.
You are 100% ok. You are trying to do what you can, you are coming here to work through things going on with what is in your life no one here is going to say anything negative, we want all the positive, good, and supportive things to happen.

How can we help you make these positive changes? Have you ever made a list of goals you want to achieve in life? Like a longterm goal? Like i made one that was one that seems so out there i made it a promise to myself and that was live past 90. The goal is conditional, the condition is that I’m not allowed to die by my own hands.
So a conditional goal isn’t bad. I also made a conditional goal to go skydiving, for me skydiving is more of a lofty dream than a reality. I have epilepsy and so finding a skydiving instructor who will let someone who has ever had seizures jump from a plane is near impossible, but that’s a condition of a goal of mine, get someone to let me go skydiving.
So that’s a goal of mine.
What things do you like to do that could be goals?

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I don’t know what I want I don’t really have any goals or dreams anymore and I don’t know how anyone can help chang me because I’m to weak and scared to change anything in my life I keep selfishly expecting someone to give me some magical wisdom or advice that will instantly change who I am

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You have said a truth there, sadly there is no magical wisdom or advice to change every last thing. But we can make our own paths forward with the right footwork. We must look at the life we are leading, we have 2 options, of which neither are death. The options are to take the path of current and of which we are here but it’ll be a long road of suffering for years. Or take a path of decided healing in your own life. That road of healing looks different for many people. But for you I think that probably includes a safety plan and making that safety plan as well as immediately discussing that safety plan with those who need to know it. That may include getting a doctor/therapist or a new one. Sometimes simply being able to have a venterator (that’s what my friends and i sometimes call our therapists. It’s a mix of a vent and a refrigerator so we can at last make it a bit positive on us) and maybe going to get someone to give you a hand in person from a service from some place like better help even. I hope not to shut you down, but i really want you to know that there’s some great things that will come your way, many positive things. I was once very closely in your shoes, and i do understand how hard it is to get out of it. I took one step and it took a long while to go each step, but as i went i begin taking more and more and while I’m still not perfect. When i do feel like that, i don’t feel like i did, it’s like a passing sprinkle and not a raging storm. It was worth it, you are worth it, and you deserve only positive

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I’m not good at talking with doctors or therapists and I have no idea what a safety plan is

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Well I can’t give you magical wisdom, but I can tell you one thing: Sometimes going through shit alone can help alot. Because when you’re alone you realize no one knows you more than you know yourself, nor can anyone can change you except yourself. Of course it’s different for everyone, but that’s how I healed. But you should really seek professional help if you can, I know it’s hard but they are a good step in the right direction.

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I don’t have medical insurance so I can’t afford to see anyone

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Well don’t let that stop you from getting better. You can always call hotlines and I’m sure there are therapy centers around you that are mostly free or cheap, ik some of the LGBT ones are free, idk how they work tho.

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Here’s an example of an unfilled out safety plan

These are examples of things you can do to help yourself when there are issues going on.

Talking to doctors can be just as simple as writing down what’s going on and giving them the papers, there are free clinics if you try to look for the resources for it. There are social care works around many areas which can provide help.
As @Systemofconfusion has pointed out, there are many lines that offer free assistance. There are things called warmlines where they won’t call the hospital or police but will just take the time for a bit to talk to you for a bit as a resource. They are available and you can find those through the resources tab at the top, there’s some info in that safety plan as well as the crisis resources info on discord too. If there’s a specific type of resource that could help you (like is it work, home, etc, maybe a directed plan could help like some help with food or gas money or maybe you would like to put a goal towards a different career?)you are always loved, matter, and cared for!

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it’s hard for me to say this outloud I just freeze up and cant talk when I try to

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idk this is all kinda overwhelming and the only career I will be happy with is if I am able to draw for a living

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I feel that I love drawing, do you draw when you feel unsafe or stressed? I find that as a good therapy. I wish I could help more but I don’t know how, if it helps though I’d say drawing in place of your stress could do a ton, or write down all your thoughts on a journal and read them over to see what you think is wrong or right, and fix things from there.

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no I can’t draw when I’m upset nothing turns out right when I try to which upsets me more and don’t apologize its my fault

What type of drawing do you do? Do you ever share your drawing with anyone? I don’t know how to draw, i think that is awesome that you can draw! I know Danmakeshismark and amandaruthart on HS twitch draw. I bet you could find some fun connecting with others who draw on there as well as being able to share some of your drawings on discord. There’s a lot of awesome things i bet you express with art that i can’t even begin to imagine and i bet it is so awesome! I encourage you to draw away!

I mostly do nsfw art and anime stuff I post it online but I don’t think anybody from the discord sever would want to see any of that stuff they would just think I’m a freak or a weirdo

The stuff that’s not racy and is safe, and the anime i think would definitely fit right in. If you start doing some focused drawing on some subjects you might find some good ways to do some practice drawing. I’ve seen some really good artists spend time drawing what they consider boring subject matter just so they have something to do and even though it’s not super inspiring to them, it brings a lot of joy in the end and a lot of calmness when they are able to get some more viewpoints on the world around them artistically. It’s like forcing yourself to go for a walk. Go outside, take a picture and make a positive abstract of that picture that you can share. Working that way is an awesome thing

I don’t think I quite follow what you’re saying

Ok, another way is to say that the things you draw that are safe for work would probably be ok to share and i know many people like anime. I also know a lot of people get inspiration from going out and taking a walk to just look at something and draw it. By drawing a specific object that you have picked out, you can specifically work on your art. It might be worth a try to just try drawing some random images in an anime style and see how you can work them into some more drawings to give yourself some specific ways to draw when you don’t have a specific way you feel like drawing