My life feels like pushing a shopping cart which always wants to go in a different direction.
I just want to run away from everyone and everything, but i know ill take these feelings with me.
My family and friend keep asking me what i want to have as a career, they’re all so curious because im “talented”. I dont know what i want and i dont want to keep looking.
Alot of things intrigue me but when i think of actually doing them, i get put off. In the long run, everything seems so pointless.
My life is an endless loop of waking up, spending all my time on the internet, then go to bed.
and my mind keeps telling me contradicting things, im so unsure, it also keeps this constant headache
@Ephnel I am so sorry you are struggling with this idea of what you want to be or where you see yourself down the line. Personally I two have dealt with all of this. I have had the struggles of saying hey I want to see myself having this future but than no I dont. That endless this is what my life is right now. I do the same things over and over again. I personally will say that has been a deep thing for me right now. Most everything I use to do has not been stopped because of covid it is leaving me having to fight to see that it isnt just this end less repeat that I see right now. But rather a path that I choose to change as I go. Perhaps add in a new thing to your daily things start a new hobby that was what I did and it helped me a lot. I know that doesnt solve anything but it does help create this change of hey its new its different and look I am being successful. Your life is not defined by the job you have or the action you take to get there. It rather is defined to me in how you treat others and yourself. So love yourself. Perhaps take up cooking too like making something new each night change up the things you normally do.
Hold fast Ash (discord SWAT 1)
Hi Ephnel
You are going through some rough existential crisis. Those can be really rough. Everybody has that moment in there lives where they ask the question “What is the point”? Life can feel so pointless and empty and boring and like it goes nowhere. To counter this feeling one must find some kind of meaning in their life. When we think about stuff from the outside everything would seem pointless. Everything dies or fades in the end so what is the point. The point is what matters now. Do you enjoy that activity? Does it FEEL meaningful when you do it? Does it make you feel better? Are you good at it? These are the kind of questions that will help you determine the right path you should take. Again everything seems pointless from the outsider point of view but once you get into it it does no longer feel that way. You might ask yourself what is the point of running a marathon but once you have run it you will get tha awesome feeling in the end. Life is about living and sometimes we think about living more that to actually go out and try to do the living. Do the things you always wanted to do and try them no matter how pointless they might seem. Live in the moment rather than in the future. Live your life the way you want to .
It is so hard to be in this position of knowing that some steps need to be taken in order to move forward in your life, yet feeling completely stuck and frozen because of how overwhelming it can be to just think about it. You want to move, but there’s so many possibilities that staying at the same place is, somehow, reassuring. But it also feels like a trap.
This cycle - waking up, Internet, going to bed - has been so very familiar to me as well since I’ve started to be unemployed, and since covid/lockdowns started. It’s tough to get out of it and break down this cycle little by little. But it really is what it’s about: starting small. Taking very little steps. What if instead of doing this at that time of the day, I try something different, even just for 5 minutes? Intentionally breathing some fresh air at a window, doing one thing on your personal todo-list, giving a try to this hobby you’ve been pushing away for a while… It could be anything. The more you will cultivate these little breaks in your actual routine, the more you will find yourself wanting to do more, and differently.
As for your family, I wonder if you feelsome pressure from them? They see your potential so they want to encourage you to build a good life for yourself, to give yourself a chance to reach and express your full potential! But these expectations can be very heavy to receive. It’s a double edged-sword. And while facing the stress regarding our future decisions to make, our first reaction can be to freeze, to crawl in and retreat in our very own and safe world.
Do you think discussing with them about how you feel could help a little bit? It seems that your family wants the best for you, but they might need to hear from you that you are doing this for yourself, and need a type of support that would welcome your vulnerability as much as your - very real! - strengths.
You are loved, friend. No need to apologize for sharing by the way. Your vulnerabiltiy is a gift.
Sorry for the late response, but thank you everyone, if i could give you all a big hug, i will.
Im not so close to my family, It would feel very weird discussing personal things with them. especially with the standard that men are stoic all the time.
I guess keeping a little bit of (mental) distance has helped avoid drama, which is one thing i never need at any moment.
This lack of communication, though, is also the reason im stuck at home, feeling empty most of the time.
Last time i tried to be open abt my feelings and beliefs, i got major backfire(long story)
So it kinda feels like this meme rn:
I love this meme format . Do you think you wound be comfortable sharing some of your feelings with a therapist? If not we here are not gonna judge you for expressing yourself ok .
I do not have any sort of income, im still with my family, going to a therapist would require me go to them first, and im not too sure if there are any here that speak english.
Im not so close to my family, It would feel very weird discussing personal things with them. especially with the standard that men are stoic all the time.
I hear you. My apologies for assuming that communication was easy with them. I too come from a family where this type of conversation wad avoided as very uncomfortable, and I know it can be frustrating to be suggested something we’d like to have the possibility to do, but circumstances… Sigh. Again, I’m sorry, especially since they didn’t listen to you last time you’ve tried to be your vulnerable self with them. It should be different.
How are you holding up today?
I was also wondering, are you at a time of your life when figuring out your future career is actually a requirement/emergency? Or are you like at school and stil have plenty of time to think about it?
You’re loved Ephnel. I see also all the love you’ve been giving to our community on Discord. You’re a true gem. I hope you manage to take care of yourself too.
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. Do you think you wound be comfortable sharing some of your feelings with a therapist? If not we here are not gonna judge you for expressing yourself ok 
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