I-have-anxiety-and-turn-it-into-aggression-and-irr - 1116

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Belongs to: HeartSupport_Fans Content #1094
I have anxiety and turn it into aggression and irritability to loves around me. Yes to asking for help and getting help daily if I could. Mental health is key

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Hey! Good job recognizing that your actions that result from or are in the face of mental illness and anxiety negatively impact your loved ones. Have you communicated with those around you about it? Sometimes being direct and open is hard, but good communication can go a LONG way to making amends when you’ve upset someone!

@heartsupportwall2 hey! So unfortunately I lost my relationship with my fiancé. I wasn’t able to communicate that but with assistance I have now been able to recognize it and now have been in a reset/recovery ever since she left. Sobering and painful im afraid. I only blame myself and learn from it daily!

So hard to have this gaping wound to remind you regularly of your own shortcomings. You’ve taken the low road, of saying - yes, this is me, I see I am broken, and I see that I have a ways to go to improve this. But it’s also hard sometimes to separate humility with self-punishment or shame. ← which those kinds of things are actually a piece of the fuel that leads to anxiety-laden anger. Honestly, for me, I grew up feeling like I was always one step away from proving I was a failure to everyone. Self-criticism felt like a shield, so anytime I messed up, I wanted to be the first to blame myself so that no one else could do it first. But the problem is that I got really good at it, haha. So I have a hard time celebrating or even seeing the good in me and so much of an easier time seeing the bad. But this state of “being ready for failure” - that’s anxiety. And I don’t realize how often I’m in that state because it’s just so natural, so practiced in my life’s story. And growing up in the house I did, I learned that anger is used to regain a sense of control and - honestly - a sense of quiet, of aloneness. When I’m embarrassed, I feel out of control and I want to regain that sense of - no one else can tell me I’m worthless, I am taking this back one step at a time, I am gating what other people think of me, etc. It’s self-defense, trying to shut down possible paths of criticism, of more embarrassment…it’s damage control. Or so it feels. But the thing I’ve found in my life - as have you - is that anger ends up causing more damage than surrendering to the fact that I can’t actually control other people or most circumstances. It’s so hard to live in surrender because it feels like it leaves me vulnerable, and it really magnifies the underlying sadness and fear, and that is such a hard place to WILLINGLY go to. Seems like you are on the journey though - of acknowledging it…without that you can’t do anything else, right? But also working on it. And I’m proud of you for that. It’s scary shit, and I hope you can find some moments to be proud of yourself too. Most people stay in a place of blame to keep from having to turn inward and face these scary feelings and wounds. But you’re in a place of humility and using trauma to PROPEL you to healing. And that’s powerful. Well done. Thank you for sharing here.

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