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Belongs to: https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/38249
I have anxiety and turn it into aggression and irritability to loves around me. Yes to asking for help and getting help daily if I could. Mental health is key
Hey! Good job recognizing that your actions that result from or are in the face of mental illness and anxiety negatively impact your loved ones. Have you communicated with those around you about it? Sometimes being direct and open is hard, but good communication can go a LONG way to making amends when youāve upset someone!
@heartsupportwall2 hey! So unfortunately I lost my relationship with my fiancĆ©. I wasnāt able to communicate that but with assistance I have now been able to recognize it and now have been in a reset/recovery ever since she left. Sobering and painful im afraid. I only blame myself and learn from it daily!
So hard to have this gaping wound to remind you regularly of your own shortcomings. Youāve taken the low road, of saying - yes, this is me, I see I am broken, and I see that I have a ways to go to improve this. But itās also hard sometimes to separate humility with self-punishment or shame. ā which those kinds of things are actually a piece of the fuel that leads to anxiety-laden anger. Honestly, for me, I grew up feeling like I was always one step away from proving I was a failure to everyone. Self-criticism felt like a shield, so anytime I messed up, I wanted to be the first to blame myself so that no one else could do it first. But the problem is that I got really good at it, haha. So I have a hard time celebrating or even seeing the good in me and so much of an easier time seeing the bad. But this state of ābeing ready for failureā - thatās anxiety. And I donāt realize how often Iām in that state because itās just so natural, so practiced in my lifeās story. And growing up in the house I did, I learned that anger is used to regain a sense of control and - honestly - a sense of quiet, of aloneness. When Iām embarrassed, I feel out of control and I want to regain that sense of - no one else can tell me Iām worthless, I am taking this back one step at a time, I am gating what other people think of me, etc. Itās self-defense, trying to shut down possible paths of criticism, of more embarrassmentā¦itās damage control. Or so it feels. But the thing Iāve found in my life - as have you - is that anger ends up causing more damage than surrendering to the fact that I canāt actually control other people or most circumstances. Itās so hard to live in surrender because it feels like it leaves me vulnerable, and it really magnifies the underlying sadness and fear, and that is such a hard place to WILLINGLY go to. Seems like you are on the journey though - of acknowledging itā¦without that you canāt do anything else, right? But also working on it. And Iām proud of you for that. Itās scary shit, and I hope you can find some moments to be proud of yourself too. Most people stay in a place of blame to keep from having to turn inward and face these scary feelings and wounds. But youāre in a place of humility and using trauma to PROPEL you to healing. And thatās powerful. Well done. Thank you for sharing here.
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