Is this the bottom yet?

My third post… second time today… too many feelings… This will be long.

Some say that you can see the light best when you finally hit the bottom… I wonder if this isn’t the bottom of the pit; how much deeper am I going to sink? I am so beyond overwhelmed. Let’s just lay it all out. I want to kick and scream and yell and honestly I wish there was something I could break if it would help me get out of this feeling of despair. I am so tired of telling my story, to every new friend, to every new place I try to find solace, especially when it all breaks away. I wish I could write it all out publicly. I have no idea why I don’t, maybe because I know the parent I am left taking care of is still ashamed of everything they went through. Which… is my mom. My mom was abused by her family growing up and then she married my, now deceased, father thinking she could find someone who cared, someone who would look after her and notice what she was feeling and thinking. Dad was an abusive awful man to her. He was abusive to his kids, my sibling and I, as well though what mom lived through was always much worse than what we ever faced. I feel guilt about my lot as far as dad. My sibling was physically abused on top of what we all face because of Dad. Although as I am writing this my sibling probably did not face the emotional neglect I did because my dad preferred my sibling over me. I still remember numerous occasions of my dad egging my sibling on to make fun or me and put me down. To them I was stupid, I knew nothing about anything so I was not allowed to give input to the conversations they had though I was always forced to go on every freaking outing with the two of them. Mom was the only one who defended me and stood up for me, when she wasn’t able to go out with us because of work they made sure to take their digs at me. I always felt secure when she was around. She was always the reason I didn’t have body image issues because she taught me not to care as my father was always saying I was too skinny, I was too fat, I wasn’t eating enough, hated the clothes I wanted to wear, belittled me when I was trying to pick out clothes for school. To this day I HATE SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES!

I held all this in for so many years. I think the only person I’ve talked to about it thoroughly is my bf. Not even my best friend of ten years has heard any of these stories. Usually, when I hung out with her it was about what she wanted to talk about, whatever boy she was excited or in turmoil about and maybe there was time for whatever current thing I was going through. Really, very few people in my life now have heard the story of my past. Opening up to him has been the start of a lot of healing and he’s been hellishly busy since late last year with his work and other things he has to deal with that I will not address here for various reasons. I feel like everything I think of when something goes wrong just adds and adds and adds to all the anxiety and fear I have about my future. When will it get worse, is all I can think.

My dad left when I was 16; he came to me and said he was leaving in a month. Two weeks before the supposed day he was to leave my sibling and I came home to a half empty house. We thought we had been robbed, my sibling calls my dad in a panic wondering if we should call the police and my dad says “I moved out.” At that point my sibling and I were left to piece together the financial mess that dad left upon my family. All the bills unpaid for several months, just enough to keep the lights and utilities and the cable from being cut. My sibling helped at first, I can never be sure why. Maybe compassion for my mom on the verge of a break down, maybe self interest because soon enough it was only me helping mom sort it all out. In a few months we thought we were out of hot water until dad broke his part of the separation agreement and refused to pay the second mortgage on the house so we lost our home and half our things and were forced to hastily and haphazardly move into the crappy apartment I live in now.

As soon as my sibling was in college the family wasn’t their concern. Mom was struggling more and more to make ends meet and not even able to handle most of it emotionally. More and more fights started and more and more I hid myself away in my room, more and more I was becoming numb and depressed and unknowingly hating myself. Once I was in college, after dealing with issues that my father caused which led to me not being able to get a license I started working to help make ends meet and I started failing classes way before that point.

I had no books the first semester I was in college cause I had no money and no one was there to help me figure out how to apply for financial aid and get things done on time despite my sibling having already done so for two years before me with my father’s help the first year. I would see kids with their parents in lines in the financial aid office and wonder why they were too childish to get things done on their own. it never occurred to me that it’s usually a part of life that parents are still helping their kids become adults. It never occurred to me that I was mostly raised by my mom and my sibling. My depression was probably at its worse my second semester of college when I failed almost every class because I felt too weak, sick, tired and unmotivated to get out of bed. The only reason I did get out of bed was because I knew mom would come home and find me in my pjs and wonder what the heck I did all day, maybe call me lazy and put me down. So I would quickly get dressed and make it seem like I had gone to all my classes or at least try to make one. I assumed it was the allergy pills I was taking for the first time, under no supervision from a doctor because I haven’t had health insurance since my dad abandoned us. I switched the type of OTC allergy meds I was using and then started having panic attacks, again I assumed it was the pills so I switched brands again.

I have no clue how long things kept going as they did. I started working my second year of college but only during the summer, for a time, my financial aid checks where helping to pay rent. My sibling who had their own car and was able to work easily wasn’t helping at all. More and more fights about how much their habits were not helping us save money when money was tight. Eventually I started working during the school year and changed majors my second year for my own spiritual reasons at the time. I wanted to write like one of my favorite writers and help people like me, like one of my friends at that time and teach as well so I could keep kids from feeling unloved and forgotten. I have always wanted to help keep people from feeling unloved and forgotten.

In 2009 my sibling decided to move out and it kind of felt like a burden was being lifted though I blamed myself for them hating mom and I because I was tired of them buying expensive video games and toys like the Playstation 3 while I had to sell my friend’s piano that she let me borrow so we could pay for rent and not end up homeless. By then I had changed my major a third time and I was close to being done with my Music Education degree. I no longer wanted to write and thought music would be a good tool to help kids not end up like me, or worse because of poverty and abuse or neglect. By then I had racked up a lot of debt to pay the bills because the jobs I had weren’t cutting it so I took out student loans. Months after my sibling left they cut my mom’s hours at work in half. That fall was the first time I knew I had anxiety issues because I had a full on panic attack as my mom was driving me to work. I had taken on a job that my friend had promised to take me to because there were no buses to get me there but it was a guaranteed job after I had been laid off from a work study job I had in school, which that work study job is why I had to take out loans so I could take summer classes the two summers before so I could keep working and help mom pay the bills.

Mom forced me to quit after that panic attack for my own health. My anxiety was so bad that the months and months of practice for my recital was not paying out. Every voice lesson was like I had never seen the music in my entire life and my voice professor chewing me out for not “working hard enough.” My accompanist who was another professor giving me her services for free (something we had never been required to pay for in the past because all the other professors knew how to play piano and didn’t refuse to play for lessons) started putting me down for helping mom pay the bills saying she was a rotten good for nothing mom for “making me work.” I chose to work because I was watching mom slowly fall apart physically and emotionally especially after my sibling abandoned us and refused to speak with her more and more over time.

My aunt was diagnosed with cancer that fall, I chose to be faithful to my studies in stead of taking an opportunity from a lady from our church to go see my aunt for the last time. Shortly after my mom got back I was forced to push my recital behind to the next semester Spring 2010. That following semester they cut my financial aid. School was done for me as were all my wishes to do what I felt I was meant to do in my life. I held on to hope and decided to work full time and help mom and save money on the side until I could go back to school. It took this summer to get a full time job, mom was still part time and we had been on and off food stamps by then, and we had been shamed and used by our church for needing financial assistance. I was at that job for 13 months. We were almost out of the financial hole we were in at that point and I was planning to save once mom’s car payment (the car she purchased out of need years before they cut her hours at work) had been finished.

I had been promised a temporary position that would be permanent once the hiring freeze was lifted, they out sourced our position over seas, and soon hundreds of temp employees, including myself were laid off. I was jobless and we were on food stamps again til the beginning of 2012, unemployment took months to process and I got a part time job by the time they started paying me so I stopped the unemployment help.

By the end of that year I had found a full time job, with in months mom and I were getting to a stable place financially and I was making plans to pay off my student loans that are now defaulted and start saving for school again. That was when they laid my mom off and I became the bread winner of the family. Mom consistently could not find work because in the 13 years she was at her last position they had moved that industry over seas and the places she tried turned her away time and time again because of her age and claiming she speaks no English and her self esteem plummeted even lower than it was left from the years of hearing “you’re worthless,” from my dad.

I had that job for three years struggling to make ends meet the whole time. I was making a wage well below the poverty line but it was too much to get government aid. Eventually I was injured by the work I was doing and I could no longer draw or paint or write without sever pain. At one point the pain in my spine and shoulders was so bad I could not get out of bed and my manager forced me to go to urgent care after I went into work barely able to lift my arms. The doctor there said my scapula had separated from my clavicle that was probably caused by the work I was doing daily, and ordered me to rest my arm which they only let me do for a month because the specialist said it had nothing to do with my work and said I had tendinitis, the xrays that doctor took were not as sever as when I went to urgent care because I had been resting my shoulder for a while by the time I saw him.

When they put me back to the same work passive aggressively threatening my job if I did not comply the pain once again got worse and I started losing hours cause I had no more PTO left and they lead to me missing work from having migraines from not eating well and they started writing me up for things I was not doing. They then fired me which for a brief moment felt like a relief because the isolation I was facing at that job was causing my depression to be horribly sever. My friends soon enough stopped talking to me and I had no one really except some new friends I had made online. They were the only people who stuck with me. Poverty and stress made my depression worse as I faced a year being jobless and we completely burned through my mom’s IRA bit by bit. The last conversation I had with my father was him telling me I was worthless for being in the financial situation I was in because I “did not work hard enough.” Saying he was so much more successful at my age rubbing the things that made my childhood an awful one in my face as if they were trophies of what a hard worker he was and what a worthless lazy human I am.

When I finally got the job I have now at the end of 2016, a year after of being unemployed I was in danger of losing that job because I was having panic attacks and issues getting to and from work because my home life has become chaos and my depression was full blown and still undiagnosed. Which about a year ago I did get an official diagnosis from a volunteer therapist online, who is certified and she was going to help me find help but because she helps so many people for free I stopped going to her for help. I was feeling better once I knew I have depression and sever anxiety and I started finding ways to cope. I am not sure why but all the hard work I did from that diagnosis crumbled when my father passed away this January. Money is still a struggle and now as I mentioned in a previous post my music, the last thing I have to give life back to the world and do the very thing that I feel I was made to do, is now being threatened. I bought my laptop last year to help me create things for my music. My bf who I met online and my best online friend who I met a little before my bf had encouraged me to finally take my music seriously which I decided only a little before getting fired, ironically. They’re both unable to help me cope right now for various reasons and they’ve been the only people to take on the burden on my depression along side me since I met then in 2015. I feel like I’m too much for them. I feel like they shouldn’t have to handle me anymore and I feel like I don’t want to go through saying all this history to someone else, but here it is in a long, long post.

I started opening up to people when I started streaming feeling like I was at a place in my life where I could give again but I found out in a very bad way that I am not ready yet and I am still fighting to love myself. I am scared of losing my bf over this. I love him so much, and I am scared of losing my closest friend as well who I haven’t talked to for days because I am shutting down after a fight I had with my mom which led to a fight with my bf cause he wants me to abandon her, no one in my real like knows about him. He might have said that cause he is stressed himself right now. I’ve had no one to really talk to after my dad passed and it’s only served to stir up all the pain and lies I have believed about myself since my childhood. Dad’s family was completely awful to me. I found out about his passing second hand through a text in the middle of my work day. No one really told me what was going on until I was able to contact a very distant relative whose connection to my family isn’t even clear because of the degrees of separation. I was promised help to go say good bye and no one came through with money nor helping me find answers. I couldn’t even go because I had no one to look after mom who can’t even bring herself to eat some days because she is so depressed. I feel like things will never get better. I feel like things will never end. I feel like I will never find a way out and a way to do what I love and really be able to love myself and love my mom, my best friend and my bf as they deserve.

The fight with mom felt like a breaking point because she is causing me to not be able to stream and though she went back on what she said saying she said things out of spite I am afraid to trust her and I feel like all the support she showed me for years has all been a lie. I want to trust her. I want to stream and play music again. I want my body to no longer be in pain from simple day to day tasks. I want to have a working computer so I can do the things that bring me joy and a sense of fulfilling my purpose and dreams. I want to not be afraid to hope in the future and see a light at the end of all of this and not more and more fear and despair and self loathing when I need help. I hate asking for help cause it’s been thrown in my face so many times. I don’t want to feel weak, and worthless and pathetic! I worked so hard to keep my family happy, as happy as possible and I feel I am failing cause I cannot even get mom the help she really needs, the help I really need so we can be a healthy family. It breaks my heart everyday and I get angry when it seems like she thinks I am out to hurt her just because I need help saving money. I am sick of not living and only surviving! I’m crying now and I think I’ve said everything I can think of wanting to say right now.

Here is a song that broke me last weekend that I hope can help other people. If you’ve gotten this far thank you for reading and I’m sorry it is so long. I’m tired of telling my story and feeling like I am trying to make excuses. I just want people to understand why I feel like I am falling apart when something “small” happens. My bf told me once “tomorrow is promised,” and that seems like a struggle everyday cause I keep surviving and I am tired and I feel I never get enough rest for my heart and soul. I can’t help anyone. I can’t do what I dream of doing. Everything feels wrong… I fear tomorrow. I want to believe.

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You are a blessing to those around you. Those feelings of not being able to help anyone and being nothing but a burden sprout from your depression and anxiety, and are lies. Something helpful to me is to separate myself from my negative thoughts by realizing that the place they come from is dark and decieving. Though it is hard, confusing, and lonley, holding onto hope will get you through it. Sometimes it is hard to be hopeful of tomorrow when we don’t know what tomorrow brings, but because we don’t know what tomorrow brings, we must never forget that it could bring so much joy. Hold fast<3 Thank you for sharing.


Hey @RainLuver,

Thank you for sharing your story with us - I’m sure it took a while to type out! I want to address every part of your post, and I think the best way to do this would be to split it up by paragraph. I’ll quote each paragraph and I’ll input my thoughts below each section.

It hurts me to hear that your family has a history of abuse, and I’m so sorry that you were the target of some of it growing up. My father, too, favored my little brother over me, and I agree, it sucks feeling belittled. However, I’m excited for your future, because YOU can be the chain breaker! In other words, you have all of the power to stop the pattern of abuse in your family by marrying a wonderful man and unconditionally loving your kids. By growing up in a toxic environment, now you know exactly what NOT to do when you have a family of your own (at least, that’s how I look at it when I analyze my own family).

Bottling emotions is something very unhealthy to do, and I would gently encourage you to either confide in someone (in addition to your boyfriend) or to seek professional help by talking with someone who went to school to specialize in talking with people (psychologist/counselor). Talking with someone who is older and wiser can greatly benefit you, as I’ve done it before, and I tend to reap the benefits of doing so.

I hope you know that it is NOT your fault that your dad moved out. I tend to see a specific behavioral pattern in people, that when something bad happens, they tend to blame themselves for it - almost as if they deserve it (which is one of the most disgusting lies that I’ve ever heard). A father is supposed to unconditionally love his wife and children, and it was his choice to make the immature and disappointing decision to leave everyone. This isn’t your fault, and you deserve SO much better than that.

I’m assuming your sibling is older than you? It’s sad, but understandable to hear that your older sibling “checked out” of the toxic family situation upon moving to college; I’m sure he/she was hurting a lot too and used the mode of college as an escape route. It sounds like, although you went to college too, that you stayed behind to help your mom make ends meet? That’s super cool of you, and I love your heart for doing that!

College books are the worstttt (financially). I remember paying in the several hundreds of dollars for books, for just one semester! It’s insane. I completely understand your train-of-thought of seeing kids and parents in line, with parents buying their books. You worked hard to get to where you are and I’m guessing you were a little frustrated to see the other students getting a “free pass” by their parents via them buying their kids books. Who knows, though, because perhaps the parents were doing more harm than good by pampering their kids with free books, whilst you were working hard to become a strong, independent woman by paying your own way through college (which is very impressive!).

As I lightly touched on earlier, it sounds like your sibling was trying to repel herself as far away from the family as possible because it was painful for him/her to stay close. It’s such an unfortunate situation, because if he/she stayed close, he/she would feel a new sense of pain, but if he/she distanced himself/herself, then you and your mom would feel the repercussions of losing someone close to you. Also, don’t feel bad that you needed to change majors; the average amount a college student changes their major is 3-4 times.

I wish I knew how exactly a burden was lifted by your sibling moving out. Was it just because of his/her poor attitude? Please don’t blame yourself for your sibling hating your mom - you were merely looking out for your mom’s best interest whilst your sibling was being financially irresponsible. I totally feel you with the “changing majors and racking up debt” story. I changed my major a total of 3 times (from animal science to sports medicine to music ministry to music business) and racked up heaps of debt while doing so. I’m sorry to hear that you had your first panic attack around this time. They’re very scary, but essentially harmless (in terms of being detrimental to your health) - just keep that in mind, if you happen to encounter another one in the future.

Speaking of anxiety I hope you were practicing healthy relaxation techniques (or currently are)? It’s just as important to take care of your mind as it is your body. Try out meditation apps (“Headspace” is my favorite) - they can help calm you down during periods of high-stress. I don’t blame you for being super anxious during this dark season, though - it’s your body’s natural “fight or flight” mode firing off via the norepinephrine receptors in your brain.

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about your Aunt. Secondly, it sounds like you were attending a really unhealthy church if they shamed you because of you needing financial aid. I’m sure there’s more behind that story, but a church is supposed to grow and nurture a community, not ostracize it. I hope the poor actions of your church didn’t damper your faith; there are plenty of healthy churches out there waiting for you!

I was once in that position too - being promised a type of promotion but ended up merely being lied to, thus resulting in my bitter departure of the company. It’s a terrible situation to be put into. Hearing that you dad would call your mom “worthless” actually really frustrates me. Saying that someone is “worthless” is a lie from the pit of hell.

I’m curious to know what you and your mom did for a job? It’s saddening to hear that two amazing, hardworking people still struggle to barely make ends meet. How did you get injured at work? I hope that they offered some type of short-term disability plan to where you still got paid for a period of time even though you weren’t officially employed by them anymore?

That’s terrible to hear that the upper-level management at your job didn’t respect the fact that you were still healing from you injury. They should’ve been proud of you for pushing through the pain and returning to work! On the bright side, at least you felt a sense of relief upon leaving the rude company? How come your friends stopped talking to you though? It makes me really angry how you said that your dad not only called you “worthless” but only called you that because he thought that you weren’t working hard enough!? And then proceeds to flaunt his success!? Promise me that you don’t believe the lies that he spewed at you? Based on what you’ve said in your post so far, it sounds like you’re a much harder worker than most of the people I know, and you should be proud of that.

Anxiety can be a tricky demon, and it can even be categorized into “conscious” and “sub-conscious” anxiety. For example, you may feel “fine” but deep down, your anxiety is rumbling and it could pop up at any second. It sounds like you were enjoying your new job however anxiety was inhibiting you from experiencing the fullest success? Have you done any additional work with the therapist you were seeing, such as being prescribed mediation or learning healthy coping techniques? Music is a powerful coping mechanism, and it has been scientifically proven how it can affect your mood by working its way around the hippocampus of your brain. You mentioned in this paragraph that you “feel too much for them, like they shouldn’t have to handle [you] anymore and that you don’t want to go through saying all of this history to someone else.” Recognize that what you’re expressing is a feeling, not a fact. In other words, what you’re believing could potentially be a lie because they didn’t directly TELL you that you’re too much to handle. So, it’s up to you, to believe in what you wish - I would strongly suggest to fill your mind with truths instead of lies - that your boyfriend and best friend enjoy being around you because you’re a fun person to be around! I would suggest saving your post in a Word document for future use. If you feel like sharing it with someone else, you wouldn’t need to type it out all again which would save a lot of time! :slight_smile:

That’s cool to hear that you are/were a streamer, but I’m sorry to hear that it sounds like you relapsed into the saturation of negative feelings. I would recommend for you you to encourage your boyfriend to enhance his skill of communicating “words of affirmation” to you. It’s one of the “5 Love Languages” (Google that, and you’ll see a free test to take, if you haven’t already). I’m hoping that, the more he communicates his true feelings for you (i.e. how valuable and important you are to him), the more secure you’ll feel in the relationship. I’m curious to hear why your boyfriend is encouraging the possibility of you leaving your mom, though? Remember what I said earlier - how you have the power to change your toxic family pattern of pain and abandonment, and it all starts with a healthy relationship with your boyfriend! I’m proud of you for identifying that you’re believing in lies (some people seem to be blinded by the grey area between truth/lies). Take up your sword and fight back with words of truth! Start by writing truths about yourself on your bathroom mirror so you’ll see them every day.

How come your mom isn’t letting you stream? If you build a healthy fan base, you could make decent money from it, which could definitely help your financial situation! Remember, that your mom is a hurt woman, and that “hurt people hurt people (adjective/verb).” At the end of the day, I can guarantee you that she loves you, but sometimes people say things in their anger that they don’t really mean. Comparing to where you are now to where you were when you were younger, it sounds like things have gotten a little better, so who knows where you’ll be in a few years from now! You could be on top of the world! A LOT can happen in 365 days.

I love Christina Perri!! Her last album was fantastic (my favorite is probably “Lovestrong” though). I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. In fact, you have all the right in the world to feel the way you do. You’ve been through a LOT. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Breathe. It’s okay to be angry and frustrated in life, just know that it WILL get better. That, I can promise you. :slight_smile:


I wish there was a way to chat cause there is waaaay too much to address here and a lot I don’t want to say publicly still. My sibling was using my mom for money not distancing themselves. They bought cars and saved money while eating our food living in the same roof and paying no bills. In fact they threw a fit is mom wanted to turn off the cable or internet to save money and would manipulate her saying they would pay things for her to keep her from cancelling and then never help her pay. They forced her to pay for their car insurance even after they moved out saying there was no way for her to change it and that she was “saving money” by paying for thier car insurance… I am still very angry at the way they used mom and would emotionally abuse her. I am not sure what else I wanted to address but anyway ty for your words. I have no money for therapy and the person who diagnosed me stopped contacting me because they have too much on their plate. I have no way to pay them so what can I even demand from them? Meditation gives me palpitations lol which is annoying. I can relax fine as long as I am given time to vent which sometimes at work I am not given that grace cause we just can’t it’s fine though it doesn’t bother me at all. Anxiety is just a thing it really doesn’t bother me I have small panic attacks several times a month sometimes. Depression is what gets to me and bothers me. My friends stopped talking to me cause I was too poor to get to church or hangout. We left the abusive church looooooong ago I just didnt want to get into that cause I don’t think it matters at this point. I have lost trust in churches tbh but more so I see no value in putting myself in a social situation that doesn’t benefit me at all at this point. My reasons why are complicated and irrelevant imo lol i hope that doesnt come across badly. I have no issues with people who go to church. It just isn’t for me. I have made peace with it and I just don’t want to talk about it.y dad leaving us was only a financial burden and I wrote this because I have been beyond sick and tired and angry about being treated by a lot of people FOR YEARS as if I don’t work hard or I give up just cause I get anxious or depressed when yet ANOTHER thing comes to keep me from doing what I feel is my life’s purpose and the financial issues dad left me in is a huge csuse for my depression and constand fights with mom as I accidentally trigger her everytime I cannot make ends meet. People try to encourage me and don’t know the whole story or they think they sre giving me “tough love” by saying I need to do this or that and feel this way or that way and it’s frustrating. I have not shared my story cause no one ever gave me the flipping time! Before I keep going and venting… I do appreciate your words here how you see my hard work and you see why I don’t want to abandon mom and how you much time you gave my story. No one ever has, I try and share and people interrupt or they start thinking and interpreting my words into things I never felt and never said and when I try to address it they stop listening or change the subject. The reason my bf is the only one I have told my story to is because he had invested the time and he has listened to me and he doesn’t just make a conclusion about things i never said, he sits and takes it all in and understands things better than anyone I have ever met. He takes things at face value. My other online friend listens too but she starts reacting emotionally before I can even finish sharing anything. So basically it hasn’t been by choice, people just don’t invest in me, I usually invest in them. I do so appreciate your words btw. Ty for reading such a looooooooong post.

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Sorry, Lights_sounds97 I didn’t see your reply, or maybe I did but I was too out of it to reply. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I am feeling down today too and have so many fears… meh

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Of course. You have a community of people who want to help you through this and hear what you have to say. Please don’t forget that.

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Some things I always remember but they are hard to believe, a story for another time. I always appreciate my fears being proved wrong. Thankfully I am having a good day today.

I’ve been working through Benjamine Sledge’s book about depression “Dwarf Planet”, and it talks about making a “Jar of Awesome” where you write down good things that happen in your life. If today’s a good day, I’d suggest recording those positive feelings somewhere so you can reflect on them when days aren’t so good. Stay strong!

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I’m waiting for my copy in the mail, thanks :slight_smile: