So, this is a status update on how me and my girlfriend are handling so to understand this post better check-out [A girl likes me and is cutting herself earlier post:[https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/a-girl-likes-me-and-is-cutting-herself/4218 so I’ve be doing haven’t cut for quite a long time like maybe 5 months so far (yay me!!!) wish I could say the same for my girlfriend she was at 3 months of no cutting then just last week and relapsed and I don’t know what to do!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!
@Mr.Lonely1 I read your initial post, and have come back to this one to hopefully offer some helpful advice.
I used to be with someone who would cut just to feel the pain and ease what was going on in her head. There is no discrimination here because I used to do it also. It is something that is terribly difficult to overcome for a lot of people and can sometimes take years of continuous effort to totally expel. Once you’ve reached that point and the urge to harm yourself when the going gets tough is practically nonexistent…that is a major win. This coming November I will have been 5 years free of self-harm and the urge to do so. I was once at 3 months…5 months…6 months free and would relapse. My last relapse almost 5 years ago was due to feelings of unworthiness and tragic levels of paranoia that I did not want to deal with. The best thing you can do is be there and be a constant for this person (whether she was your girlfriend or not). Help her get to the core of what is giving her the urge to cut herself, but remember…you or I are no specialists when it comes to psychological evaluation and diagnosis; but we are fellow humans who understand what it is like to want to do something like that to yourself. It is the desire to want to change that gives one the motivation and locomotion to advance towards ridding yourself of the negative nature and effects of cutting. When you identify the negativity and the stress that it induces, you are granted power over it and you become stronger than it.
My advice would be to:
- Identify why she goes to cutting/self-harm as a form of release
- Help her find healthy alternatives to cutting that will bring her joy and self-love (rather than regret and self-loathing)
- Let her know that you are there to help her make conscious efforts, but help her advance towards making conscious efforts for herself.
It will take more than a repetition of 3 steps from someone you don’t even physically know, but I extend my spirit and love to you and your girlfriend. Identify where her intent to shift her consciousness to a better place is, use love and understanding to bond to each other, share your willingness to move on from self-harm as well. If she is using cutting as a tool to keep you around or to evoke attention towards the wrong mentality, definitely still seek a mental health specialist; but don’t give up on helping to better her. Don’t be consumed by being a catalyst for change and don’t become a crutch for her. Helping her is helping her to make conscious efforts toward bettering her mentality, not doing it for her. Only she can rewire her thought process, but that never means you can’t do everything in your power to help.
This was sort of long winded, and I hope it makes sense (I’m still kind of asleep, floating in the ether; haven’t finished my morning coffee yet lol) but you hold fast and stay strong. Endless love and healing to you and your girlfriend. Y’all hang in there. Healing is a process, but you don’t fail if you fall back…you fail if you give up.
Godspeed, my friends.
I certainly hope my words help <3
Hey friend, well done on 5 months, that’s amazing.
Sadly, relapse happens. I relapsed after 2 months with my self harm and it was the longest time I’d gone without it… I know your girlfriend is importantt oy ou and you love her, but, firstly, please take some time to check in on your own mental health - don’t let HER relapse cause your own. Do you guys have a copy of HeartSupport’s self-harm book ReWrite? It’s got a whole bunch of tips, stories and information that can be applied to any form of self harm, and also has a journalling section in the back to work through.
I think that could be helpful for you both - even if you’re clean! It has a section on how to support someone through it too. You can get it on amazon, but if money is an issue you can find it free on the HS website OR, DM me and I can get you a link to get yourself a copy or 2!
For now, I would try and just make sure that she’s not around blades where you can… I don’t know if you guys live with each other, if not, just try and encourage her to move them - otherwise, when you’re with her, make sure there’s nothing she can harm with around… Let her know that you’re there to talk when she wants to, but don’t force her to.
Something that was suggested to me before as well was having an “emergancy word” so, this can be any random word that you can text each other or say to eachother when you feel the urge to harm, without the risk of anyone else finding out if you don’t want to… and if you’re apart, you know when that word is used, they need help, a phone call or something. You will hear the word, know what’s happening and be able to deal with it. Work on some replacement things together - healthy alternatives to harming, it’s much more effective to do these things with someone you love…
I hope some of this helps.