Just a quick vent about what goes on in my brain :)

[midarii]

(I just joined this site and idk if I should put trigger warnings so I’m going to)
TW: Suicide, Suicidal thoughts, Trauma, Gender/Sexuality confusion, Self worth issues, Self harm, Panic attacks

This is mostly just a vent but I would love tips if it’s not too much of a bother!
I hate the way that usually suicidal thoughts and tendencies is usually represented in media. Of course nobody says it directly, but it’s always just kind of been, “Suicidal tendencies comes from traumatic experience and/or a bad past.” Of course, that can be (and is) the case for many, but that’s not always how it is. I’m sick of trying to reach out to people only to be pushed down because I can’t pinpoint exactly what causes my suicidal thoughts.
For me, it’s pretty much just the fact that I can’t imagine myself with a future. I can’t imagine myself ever being anything more than the lonely “girl” who sits in the background. I can’t imagine myself being able to say my gender identity with confidence. I can’t imagine myself actually growing up and finding somebody who loves me, much less marrying a girl.
I feel pathetic.
I feel like I don’t have anything in store for the future, like it’ll just be a life of grey, but I also feel pathetic for wanting to end my life.
It’s this endless cycle.
No future → End it here → That’s not a good reason →
And it just goes on and on and on, every second my brain isn’t preoccupied by some kind of activity, that’s all I can think about, so I’ve resorted to trying to keep occupied.
But then that fails too, considering I have 2 friends due to my social anxiety, one who lives 8 hours away, one who has better stuff to do with his time.
I’ve completely grinded out animal crossing, I’ve finished 3 animes in a week, I just can’t keep going like this. I can’t continue this cycle of desperately trying to stay distracted. Every time there’s silence, even for a second, I find myself reaching for anything sharp as tears roll down my face. I don’t have any idea what causes it. I can’t be anywhere quiet. It’s like my brain rejects it. As soon as all noise stops, I pretty much flip into flight or fight mode and usually go into panic attacks. It’s extremely overwhelming. I guess the only benefit is the fact that the panic attacks usually make me also panic about how the very few people in my life would feel if I ended it all, keeping me from actually doing it.
I’m only a kid, I can’t do this.

[Micro]

Hey @midarii,

Welcome here, and thank you so much for sharing. Also, thanks a lot for the trigger warnings, it’s really appreciated.

I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so low, friend. Suicidal thoughts are incredibly overwhelming and, too often, a very silent battle. You’re right when you say that it’s not only related to traumatic events. Suicidal thoughts can be the result of something very different, and is just a very personal experience anyway. The very fact that someone struggles with it is enough to be valid, regardless of the reasons behind. So, I want you to know that you are seen and you are heard right here. How you feel is valid, because it’s your experience, and that is something no one has the right to question.

On a more personal note, I’m really grateful that you’ve decided to talk about it and share all of this today. Opening up can be very scary, especially when it feels like we could be judged or stigmatized, but it’s a very powerful step that you’ve just taken here, and I want to encourage you to take a few minutes today to acknowledge that, to be proud of yourself for breaking the walls in your mind. Somehow, you’ve said “no” to this voice telling you that you’re pathetic, that the future holds nothing good for you. It’s a huge mark of strength, friend, really.

A huge obstacle when we feel in pain, even without really knowing why, is to feel like there’s no hope. It makes it hard to envision a better future, to see what we could do in order to get unstuck from what feels like a rut. And this lack of perspective feels so real, so deep. When you feel that way, it makes sense to think about suicide as an exit door. Though it’s very important to remind ourselves, in such circumstances, that how we feel and what we think is the reflection of our pain, not reality. The gap between those two can be very important, but it’s just hard to see it. It’s like wearing tinted glasses in a dark room, you know? It shapes our perception of the world, of ourselves, of life itself, which is why it’s important to keep reaching out as you did, so you can challenge this perception and make steps towards healing.

You are not pathetic, friend. And there is no shame or guilt to have for feeling how you feel. You know, I personally relate a lot to what you describe, as I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis for months now. It’s incredibly hard and heartbreaking to feel constantly at the end of our rope, and during those times we need to make sure that we stay safe, that we are supported by people around us, that we use the resources at our disposal. There is a way out, but that way isn’t by disappearing. It’s okay to feel lost and to be scared of not knowing how the future is going to be. But it’s also very important to make healthy decisions, to take steps that will pave the road for another level of self-care, and not self-deprecation.

The way you cope these days, by grinding video games for example and looking after distractions, is also understandable. I hear your disappointment and your desire to get unstuck from this, and that’s a precious energy that you got there! Yet at the same time, it’s okay to give yourself some grace while you’re trying. Just like you, I’ve struggled a lot with silence and would look after any kind of distraction or way to just stop thinking and feeling. When your heart is hurting, silence can be very uncomfortable and makes the pain louder. It makes sense to feel this need to run away from it, somehow to run away from ourselves. We try our best to survive, with the means that we have at the moment.

Through your post you’ve stated and acknowledged how you feel, how you cope, and what needs to be changed. Suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, self harm are red flags, a signal that your body and your mind are sending to you to say that something needs to change, with the right amount of love and support. What do you think about reaching out to your parents about how you feel? Do you think it’s something you could try/they could understand? I’m asking this because it sounds that, right now, you could benefit from seeing a therapist. Professionals like this can help you understand the reasons why you feel that way, and help you work on those, also to find coping mechanisms that would be more healthy for you.

In any case, it’s okay to reach out, friend. What you’re going through is nothing to be ashamed for. You’re not a failure for going through a rough time. So many of us do, especially in the midst of a giant pandemic. During those times, we need all the support possible.

PS - I’d also like to encourage you to give a try to the following exercise in times to come:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/why-suicide-makes-sense-and-why-you-still-shouldnt-do-it/14163
If you feel like the dark thoughts are too overwhelming, this is a good way to counteract them and shift your focus on reasons why this life is worth fighting for. There is hope, friend. Hang in there. Don’t stay alone with this, even if you’ve been disappointed/misunderstood before - those people were just not in a position of understanding. Your voice matters. Your life matters. You’re not alone.