To be honest, I wish I could talk things out clearly. At this state, my mind is so heavy. I know I am even though I could barely feel it. I often feel tired, even after a good sleep or not-supposed to have a very tiring day, holiday? Not really; maybe that is what people call chilling or relaxing. I feel that way mostly like every day. I don’t know why, the tired that coming from inside even after an hour I just woke from my rest, it feels very tiring. I barely even have a good sleep these days, but yesterday, no nightmares or overthinking while sleeping. Of course, less than 6 hour. But it was the longest, and should be better. I quit coffee for now, knowing that it’s kinda disturb my sleeping schedule and make me have some sorta panic attack? or anxiety attack? I’m not sure. But it somehow triggered me to be so anxious, shaking (well i took more thn 3 cup per day; reasonable ig) and sometimes sleepy. Once, it makes me feel so sleepy, I slept. But and then when I woke up I feel like so shocked; It’s like u just woke up from nightmares. But I didn’t dream about those. So yeah I quit coffee for a while, only drink when i really need it. And as usual, I still could barely feel things but I somehow spotted the shifting emotion.
About 2 weeks ago, my parents went to clinic coz my mom said around her neck feel so painful, even when swallowing food or talking. The result came out and she have problem with thyroid. We all got pretty worry since it could be anything such as cancer. The doctor also diagnose that my mother have anxiety. So I asked her if she needs to have a checkup with therapist so maybe I could somehow go with her to diagnose what the heck is wrong with me. But she was so irritated? No. More like the feeling that u can’t take it, she said something like: How is is even possible? I thought when I le things go it solve everything. And when I said about going to therapist, She said no, she could cure herself by not thinking of it or getting any further info. When I said I have tht anxiety problem or mood shifting abnormally, she will said, it’s only in my mind, i’s not even real and etc. Maybe because she dont wanna think about it and so I dont wanna her she talking shit like that I just shut up. I don’t hate my mom or my family, I just hate it when they dont hear me out properly and dont matter this one problem, just this one problem then I won’t bother them. I take my mental health seriously but they just- sigh ignore me. Indeed I could still wait, but the painful inside when no one support u around u, it feel so horrible.
My Best Friend
I know it sounds childish, But I owe him a lot. He helped me a lot by listening to my problems, and even recommend me to meet his therapist friend. I was so grateful I might could do it silently. Too bad, underage child still need parental guidance and permission in order to proceed. In the same time, I feel so guilty. Well he is my friend but, no friend like that ever treat me that nice and kind. I know he truly wanna help me, it’s just I feel like a horrible friend, like I burden him. I know he don’t want me to feel that way since he really wanna help me. He already done more than he is supposed to. I’m not gonna lie, I feel appreciated when I’m talking with him, safer. I wish I wasn’t this kind of friend. I never meant to use him. And he is my main reason that keep me going even though I’m always with my suicidal thoughts.
I sure do take a long break from social media and talking to him too. It’s not like I don’t wanna talk to him, I know he is busy. I don’t wanna disturb him. Sometimes I wish I could at least call someone or call the line for mental health. But my siblings and parents keep eardrop my convo when im on call with someone. It is sooooo annoying! But I keep myself strong and remember that at least somebody else care and love me. I’m fighting and dying every second, but I keep going. (bruh I don’t wanna die as useless piece of stupid brat even though I feel like just want to die). I still have my mind. I just need to at least talk and keep my center balanced. At least for those who still fighting with me or for me 
