Just Venting (i)

To be honest, I wish I could talk things out clearly. At this state, my mind is so heavy. I know I am even though I could barely feel it. I often feel tired, even after a good sleep or not-supposed to have a very tiring day, holiday? Not really; maybe that is what people call chilling or relaxing. I feel that way mostly like every day. I don’t know why, the tired that coming from inside even after an hour I just woke from my rest, it feels very tiring. I barely even have a good sleep these days, but yesterday, no nightmares or overthinking while sleeping. Of course, less than 6 hour. But it was the longest, and should be better. I quit coffee for now, knowing that it’s kinda disturb my sleeping schedule and make me have some sorta panic attack? or anxiety attack? I’m not sure. But it somehow triggered me to be so anxious, shaking (well i took more thn 3 cup per day; reasonable ig) and sometimes sleepy. Once, it makes me feel so sleepy, I slept. But and then when I woke up I feel like so shocked; It’s like u just woke up from nightmares. But I didn’t dream about those. So yeah I quit coffee for a while, only drink when i really need it. And as usual, I still could barely feel things but I somehow spotted the shifting emotion.

About 2 weeks ago, my parents went to clinic coz my mom said around her neck feel so painful, even when swallowing food or talking. The result came out and she have problem with thyroid. We all got pretty worry since it could be anything such as cancer. The doctor also diagnose that my mother have anxiety. So I asked her if she needs to have a checkup with therapist so maybe I could somehow go with her to diagnose what the heck is wrong with me. But she was so irritated? No. More like the feeling that u can’t take it, she said something like: How is is even possible? I thought when I le things go it solve everything. And when I said about going to therapist, She said no, she could cure herself by not thinking of it or getting any further info. When I said I have tht anxiety problem or mood shifting abnormally, she will said, it’s only in my mind, i’s not even real and etc. Maybe because she dont wanna think about it and so I dont wanna her she talking shit like that I just shut up. I don’t hate my mom or my family, I just hate it when they dont hear me out properly and dont matter this one problem, just this one problem then I won’t bother them. I take my mental health seriously but they just- sigh ignore me. Indeed I could still wait, but the painful inside when no one support u around u, it feel so horrible.

My Best Friend
I know it sounds childish, But I owe him a lot. He helped me a lot by listening to my problems, and even recommend me to meet his therapist friend. I was so grateful I might could do it silently. Too bad, underage child still need parental guidance and permission in order to proceed. In the same time, I feel so guilty. Well he is my friend but, no friend like that ever treat me that nice and kind. I know he truly wanna help me, it’s just I feel like a horrible friend, like I burden him. I know he don’t want me to feel that way since he really wanna help me. He already done more than he is supposed to. I’m not gonna lie, I feel appreciated when I’m talking with him, safer. I wish I wasn’t this kind of friend. I never meant to use him. And he is my main reason that keep me going even though I’m always with my suicidal thoughts.

I sure do take a long break from social media and talking to him too. It’s not like I don’t wanna talk to him, I know he is busy. I don’t wanna disturb him. Sometimes I wish I could at least call someone or call the line for mental health. But my siblings and parents keep eardrop my convo when im on call with someone. It is sooooo annoying! But I keep myself strong and remember that at least somebody else care and love me. I’m fighting and dying every second, but I keep going. (bruh I don’t wanna die as useless piece of stupid brat even though I feel like just want to die). I still have my mind. I just need to at least talk and keep my center balanced. At least for those who still fighting with me or for me :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:


hi @AnonymousJ666 ,

i’m so glad heartsupport is here to provide you with a platform to share your story, your experiences, and your feelings. i truly hope that you writing things out helped a bit.

first off, i am happy to read that you are so in tune with your body enough to quit coffee and hope that you are able to see great improvements in your sleep schedule as a result.

i’m thankful that your mom can also find answers to her thyroid problem and i hope her team of doctors continue to support her in treatment plans and further testing. how are you doing through all of that? whenever my parents have tough diagnoses, it’s quite stressful for me so please know that i’m here for you if you need to talk through this.

when it comes to your mom not supporting you in seeking help for your anxiety, i do know that many people from older generations are quicker to brush off mental illness. it’s only until recently that the stigma behind openly discussing things like anxiety, depression, etc. was erased. while it is frustrating, i do hope you can reach out to another trusted adult (teacher, doctor, etc.) for help.

it’s absolutely amazing to read how great your best friend is. i’m so grateful you both have each other and can help one another through any barrier life throws y’all’s way. i hope you don’t feel like you can’t reach out to him for long since he means so much to you. even if you send him small reminders like “hey i’m thankful for you, hope your day ahead rocks,” there is no way something nice like that would disturb his day. i’m also very thankful that he wants to support you in your mental health journey… what a true gift of a friend :’)

thank you for being here in the heartsupport community and i hope you can update us soon on how things are going. we are here for you if you ever need support, someone to lean on, or want to share progress. you are so valued, so appreciated, and so loved, and i’m so glad you’re here.



Hey @AnonymousJ666
Thank you so much for sharing some of your story with us, I am so sorry that you have so much going on right now, with everything you have explained it is no wonder you have trouble sleeping and that you are anxious.
Firstly I would really like to talk about how much you need someone to listen to you, someone that you can talk to and who can help you. Yes you do need your parents permission to see a therapist but have you thought about speaking to a teacher at school or a school counselor about how you are feeling? they will be able to listen and help you.
Your friend sounds lovely and from what you have said about him, I don’t think he would consider you a burden and the way you speak of him you don’t sound like a horrible friend at all. I am glad he is the reason you keep going but I would like you to keep going for you. You are important, You Matter as much as your friend does.
I do understand your need to be heard and you are now heard. we hear you and you are not alone anymore.
Stay strong, keep asking for help and it will come, don’t give up and when that all falls into place, I’m pretty certain, good sleep will follow. Please stay in touch with us.
Much Love
Lisa :heart:


Hey there @AnonymousJ666

So sorry you are having such a struggle with the sleep and feeling so unwell mentally lately. I know it can feel so horrible when you are going through it, especially if you feel like family not supporting you.

I did see you mentioned Mom going through her own medical situation

Keep in mind even though they are your parents, they have feelings too. I think your mother is going through her own stress and pain right now, so try to be fair to her and let her get through this scary situation. Thyroid issues can affect a lot of things in the body and also moods, so until her situation is under control she may have lots of swings in mood or feel overwhelmed too. Please give your mom some grace in this time if you can.

I would say don’t worry so much about the burden you give to your friend. They are trying to help out of a position of support and care for you. I would say try your best to be a reciprocating friend to them as well, support each other and be a good listener.

Until you are able to find a good resource for mental care, I would say try your best to build good routines for sleep. I recently replied to a post about insomnia you might like to visit to see some tips I have given on there. Ways to help with insomnia?

Try to find a good coping mechanism that works for you with the anxiety. I find diaphragmatic breathing to help me a lot when I’m feeling really stressed out. Maybe touch base with your school nurse or counsellor and see if you can meet with them a couple times for help. They are there for you.

Take care/Mish

p.s. good job on recognizing the coffee was causing issues


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