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Life is too hard! I want peace. Struggling! Can I go on?

I was married for 24 years. My husband filed for a divorce in 2018. He didn’t tell me why; he just said he still loved me, but things have changed. Just recently I found out he is gay and was having an affair with a much younger man two years before he filed. They are still together. I was devestated; I even went to ER to get help with my nerves, and they wanted to commit me. I walked out. I needed to find a car, an apartment, a better job, etc. My whole life changed; it was and is still a struggle. I became involved with a man who is an alcoholic. While the first year with him was challenging, we knew each other from our childhoods, and he helped me quite a bit, we lived together…etc. But he was an alcoholic and as the relationship grew, so did the verbal abuse and drinking. I told him I couldn’t stay with him anymore, and without notice he filed an eviction to get me out of his home. He says he loves me but will not tolerate disobedience and challenging his authority! In a hurry I leased an office space, because it was cheap and most rentals were too expensive for me, and I needed something quick. I’m angry with him, and my former spouse! I’m depressed and have major anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I just found a good job, however making $60,000, and I’m saving as much as I can for a down payment on a house, but my current living circumstances is affecting my mental health! It’s been too much of a struggle, and I’ve left really heartbreaking things out as I write this. I’m trying to be strong, but it’s so hard!

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Rachael, wow, my heart breaks with you friend. The traumatic journey you’ve been on – it feels like how did this happen? Life seemed to be fine just two years ago…and then all of a sudden, it feels like everything came crashing down out of the blue…and then you tried to catch a wave up, and it ended up bringing you even lower…while you are making headway on the financial side, it still feels like the brokenness all of this trauma has caused has taken such a massive toll that you wonder if you’ll ever get better, if you’ll ever truly be able to recover from these blows to your soul…

I’m so sorry, friend…I know what it’s like in my own life to be asking the question – will this ever get better? Can I ever truly rise from this pit I am in? It is such a depressing place to be in…to feel like the mountain is taller than you have the energy to climb.

I am thankful that you decided to post here so that you can at least hear this: you are not alone. And what I’ve discovered is that while I cannot carry the load by myself, with help, I can, and I am rising, and I know I will make it now. From where I stand, I know you can too. We can do it together and encourage one another along the way.

Hold fast.
-Nate

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@Rachael

These are hard things you are dealing with. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to stand up for yourself. You have a right to be healthy. You have a right to peace.

YOU ARE STRONG! You are still standing. And you will come out the other side of this even stronger!

Don’t give up. You’re not alone. I hear you. I love you and I am praying for you.

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I wish I could say it gets better. I wish I could say everything will be fine. But I can’t. I can’t promise it’ll get easier or that you’ll ever be truly happy. But I can promise that you’ll be okay and that with time, you’ll heal. You are so strong. You’re still standing alone and fighting for yourself. That leaves me with so much respect. I look up to you as a person. You are a warrior. Never forget that. There is always light at the end of the tunnel and there is always a reason for everything. Jesus loves you no matter what the world has done to beat you down and make you doubt that. I will be praying for you. Stay strong! @Rachael

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I’m in the club I’m in a really bad situation and then I’ve been in it for the longest time

You’ve suffered a huge loss. The life you knew for 24 years has been shattered. It’s not fair, it sucks, and I can only imagine it feels like an insult. I feel for you. Take all the time you need to grieve. But then look at the possibilities. You can start your life over on your terms! You have a good job making good money, and that is a huge blessing! With time and patience will come stability, followed by the means to get ahead! Dream, travel, learn a new hobby, do everything you ever fantasized about and never had the time or resources for! In the meantime, there are support groups for people who have gone through all the same things as you and have felt everything you have felt, and of course we’re all here for you as well.

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I am crying from reading your response; it means so much to hear someone convey some empathy for me! Lately, I cry every day! Yesterday and today I had suicidal thoughts, and cannot see a future. I woke up at 3 a.m. just a few hours ago, and am packing…hoping to find a decent, affordable apartment soon. I always keep trying to move on, but I miss the wonderful life I use to have being married, a wife, mother!

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Thank you for your kind words; they will help me sustain another day!:two_hearts:

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I went from living an upper middle-class life, with a loving (so I thought) husband, from living in my dream home, to living in a small office…I can’t sleep because I’m not suppose to be living here. I’m completely on my own. I work 60 hours a week to save money, downsized my car, buy at resale shops…anything to get ahead! I have lost everything including the only family I had (his family). I have no family-of-origin! It’s such a struggle day to day!

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Thank you! Your words are so appreciated!:two_hearts:

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@Rachael

I’m so sorry friend. You’ve been through a lot and I just have a huge amount of respect for you right now. It’s been a few months that I’ve been dealing with this feeling of life as being a constant battle as well, and it’s exhausting. It’s like there’s always an unexpected and unpleasant surprise to arrive. When a new obstacle arises you can feel divided between facing it or running away from it, as it consumes a lot of energy. And each time it gets harder to keep going on. But gosh, you’ve been really strong and brave despite the adversity, despite the traumas. You have the right to be angry and how you feel is absolutely valid. I’m glad you managed to share this here and let it out of your chest. Hopefully it helps. Keep reaching out anytime you need. You are not alone, okay? :heart:

You’ll find again the light that you need. Hang in there friend. :heart:

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@Rachael Yet deep inside, you still ARE a mother. Most importantly, you are a daughter. Of a God who loves you so very much. It breaks His heart to see you going through this, but He’s with you. He wants to help you, but He needs you to ask. I can pray for you, but it won’t help if YOU don’t pray for yourself. I have all the empathy in the world for you because you are truly an incredible person and I look up to you for everything you have overcome. Those suicidal thoughts are there to break you down, but you can’t let them. Not after everything you have fought so hard to achieve. Please don’t give up.

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And I can only imagine how tough it must be. But you can’t give up right now. You just can’t. You have worked far too hard to give it up. There can’t be too much left. Just keep your head up and CONTINUE walking. Continue fighting. Continue LIVING. No matter how hard or painful it is. Because YOU ARE WORTHY. You are loved now and you will be loved even more. There is someone out there waiting to make you so happy, you just have to believe that. I promise you, it’ll be okay. @Rachael

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From: legendofamaya

Rachel, you are brave for sharing this. You are strong for continuing on even though everything seems bleak. I believe in you, you can do this. I hear you but just know that even after all of this you will come out a stronger you, a better you and that is a big accomplishment. I am proud of you. Hold fast <3

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From: th3oggy

Your not alone!! Do your best to talk with others like you are doing and believe in yourself. Its a Mental struggle Im aware of but you can do it!! hrtLoveFist hrtLoveFist

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I’ve never experienced an abusive partnership, but I have lived with abusive parents - and I know how much it can just destroy you, I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but the fact that you were able to go ahead and pick up a job, and think resourcefully like that is just amazing. I know that the office wasn’t a home, but damn, that’s smart. If anything, give yourself some credit for that! You took control of a situation that seemed hopeless. Also, I’m not condoning the actions, but to have become an alcoholic in the first place, this guy will have been hurting. It’s not your fault, please don’t blame yourself. As an addict, I know that when we are in our addiction, we will do whatever it takes to get ANYONE or ANYTHING out of the way if they are getting in the way of our substances. As I said, I’m not saying they way you were treated was right, but I think, being able to see it from a different perspective than"oh he just abused me because I’m an easy target" might help you to start healing, and help you shift any blame off of yourself. because it wasnt your fault at all.

You’re already doing so amazingly. Hold Fast.
Kayla

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From: stephanierae_ca

TBH if you did throw up your arms in defeat it would be 100 and 55 thousand % understandable. Super acknowledgement to EVERYTHING you’ve been through & EXTRA Super acknowledgement to everything you’ve done. It’s ok to have moments not to be strong, it’s ok NOT to be ok, it’s reasonable to feel EVERYTHING you are feeling. Reach out everytime you need help, let the community help give you the reinforcement you crave/need. I think you might need to slow down You CAN do this!

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From: mrwapiti

you are strong and brave, you are on the right path.

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Racheal:
You are so amazing for coming forward to share your story. You are such a strong person with a wonderful heart. I know you have been through a lot of horrible things lately but are fighting so hard to love yourself and move forward from these relationships that didn’t work out. You are worthy of the best love and the best life. I think right now as you save for the future, it would be great to talk to someone you trust or a professional to deal with all these struggles behind you and the challenges ahead. You are the best investment you will ever have. Stay strong, Live Life, Love Much :teddy_bear:

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Hey @Rachael we covered your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch chat. Here is the live video response!

Hold Fast

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