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Maybe This Is It

Here I am again.
Feeling like nothing matters,
Nothing will get better,
Nothing will improve,
And just overall feeling like I am something that is not needed.
I feel myself falling into darkness.
The rope is right there for me to grab
But I can’t get a grip on it.
It’s almost as if it’s been coated in Vaseline.
I wrap my hands around it and hold on as tight as I can,
But I still fall.
No matter the strength I may have,
Or the will deep inside,
The inevitable fate is this:
I don’t make that big of a difference
I’m leaving little, if any, impact on anyone
I try to be be good
To show people a way out of the darkness of their mind
I try to let people know they aren’t alone and that they can make it
All the while fighting a battle and already having lost the war.
I’m having temptations and thoughts that haven’t been present in a while
They’re scary
Harmful
Dark and unnecessary
But yet,
I long for them
For them to take over me
I don’t want to give up
But I also don’t want to fight a pointless battle
I’m so tired
Exhausted seems to be fitting
I don’t have the energy to keep delaying the storm
I’m done
I’m ready for the storm to break the dam
I’m ready to be gone
I don’t matter anyways.

2 Likes

Sarah,

I just rediscovered one of your old posts about your mom/grandma…I was going to send you a DM because I was going to see how things are going, and then I saw that you had made this post. I’m happy to hear from you!

Obviously it doesn’t seem like it’s in good circumstances…that you’re in such a low place that you feel like you don’t even matter. Truth is, reaching out is powerful. So man, it’s good to hear from you. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re still fighting, still reaching for the truth, for goodness in your heart and life.

It’s brutal to be in a place where you’re collapsed in this glass case of lies that suffocate your hope and your worth and keep you a prisoner to these never-ending thoughts. To feel like you can spend yourself completely and make it nowhere…like you can’t break free, and the harder you try, the smaller the room gets. Like quicksand but trapping you tighter and tighter. Even the good that you do feels like throwing coins in a well that never hit the bottom. As if it never mattered or even happened. And so the dark thoughts feel like the only way out…to finally just let the room close in on you completely so you can never feel or think these things again. It’s tired of keeping your hands pressed against the glass and straining as hard as you can when you feel like the inevitability is it’s going to collapse on you anyways.

But, you know, lies are like chinese finger traps. The harder you fight against them the worse they get. The only way out is with the truth. Lies can’t coexist with truth. And they’re like a hammer and nail that will shatter through walls that feel impenetrable.

The truth is that you’re crazy courageous. To fight for what you want, to find yourself, to uncover your heart, even amidst insane external pressure and expectations and shame. You are insanely courageous.

You are fighting for freedom, and every path that you go down and DON’T find it is actually progress…even though it might not feel like it, you are checking off places on the path to a better life. You are making progress.

Even when you feel like your efforts are wasted and don’t cause the effect that you want…you’re actually becoming the type of person that you want to be – someone who cares, who loves, who gives of themselves to lift others up. Even if it isn’t perfect, you’re actually becoming someone different, someone you want to be.

You might not see it, but you’re on the path. And your heart telling you there’s no life in it is a signal to you that the places you’re at aren’t the right ones…you’re tuning, you’re calibrating, you’re learning more about who you are and what fills you up. Information is power, and you’re learning where to turn and where not to turn.

There IS hope for you. Failure is the first step to innovation, to improvement. You CAN’T KNOW unless you try and fail.

The question that I would ask yourself is – what is this pain teaching you about your heart, about your life? And where do you go next, what is next on the map to finding life? Where have you found it before? I have a deep sense of hope that you have more strength than you think. And that you matter far more than you believe. And I’m holding these truths to you, that you would know you’re courageous, loving, and perseverant…and that you truly do matter…as a hammer and nail to shatter these lies and get back to your path…where are we headed next? Write back. Would love to take a look at it together.

I believe in you.

-Nate

3 Likes

Hi @SarahTheProud :wave::heart::heart::heart:

Your post says you don’t matter, but I want you to know how much you matter to me. You matter to me so much.

Your post says you’re not making an impact, but I’m proof that you are! You’ve made an impact on me.

Don’t give up. There is no such thing as an eternal storm.

Hi @SarahTheProud grief is very hard. It took many years for grief with dad to cancer. I was 26 I’m now 49 and it took me 13 years to work on a project I was working on. You matter. Don’t give up. If it gets too much like throwing in the towel get some rest and come back and pick it up. :heart:

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Sarah, everybody matters. You have a good heart therefore you matter. I understand how you don’t want to give up but you also don’t want to fight a pointless battle.
This isn’t a war!
Life is not a war and it never is! You have the spirit inside you, and I know I sound just like everybody else, but …
I DON"T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT!!

Sarah, don’t kill yourself! Have self-control becuase you are loved! I know you are a good person and you are’nt a narrcissist!

I know this is kind of sudden; but…

我爱你。

You need to be the same you as you always were, becuase you were always you. You can’t let the univesre down and I am going to do anything in my power to prevent you from committing suicide! I feel like a monster because I don’t have enough power Help me Sarah Help me I have to help you I am trying but…

Sarah! don’t kill yourself! I know this is weird and sudden but you mean a lot to me!
It isn’t true that nothing matters! All good people matter and that includes you!!
You have a place in this universe and it isn’t at the bottom!

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