I’ve shared a little bit about my friend asking me to join suicide with her in the past, and how I kept saying no up until one day where everything go too much and I had planned to call her the next morning to agree…
Something I haven’t really spoken about is what happened that night, and the reason that I continued to stay no, instead of making that call… This is probably the most personal thing I have shared with the community here, so I’m sorry if parts don’t make any sense…
I was going through withdrawal from pills, I was struggling with lots of different things that were happening in my life, and that night I had just had enough and decided I wanted to end it, so with every intention of making that call in the morning, I went to bed an pretty much instantly passed out…
The dream started off with me and best friend (who I will call H) walking around and being stared at, insulted and laughed at by everyone we walked past, including people we didn’t even know… We got back to my house, and walked into the normal abuse from my parents and so after dinner we went back out. This time, we headed for her place, where she had a whole bunch of very dangerous medications stashed away, and, both being in such a dark place, we overdosed and of course, died from said overdose.
Very quickly it was clear that H had found the relief and the escape that she had wanted from suicide, but, for me, it just didn’t feel right. I started to see the reaction of people that I care about when they found out I’d overdosed… The people that have been with me since my very first day in recovery, just broke down, they couldn’t work, they were just unable to come to terms with it. The pain that they all felt, and the hurt that it caused them was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced… Even my dad, who is highly abusive refused to believe I had done it and started to look for me everywhere, because he didn’t want to believe I was dead. I could feel every single emotion from those people - on top of the regret and hurt I already felt. All I wanted to do was take back what I had done, and continue to live, to take that completely avoidable pain they were feeling away… But I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back and undo it, I’d made my choice, and it caused me more pain than I had felt being alive.
I called H the following morning, to find that she had also decided she no longer wanted to go through with it. I’m not sure what changed her mind, I’ve never asked.
… It was only a dream, it’s not real… right? Well yea, sure. It’s just a dream, but, I woke up, pillow drenched, crying my eyes out. I REALLY felt all of those emotions. Not just in the dream, they were REAL. I was awake, on my phone, messaging the people from the dream to tell them I loved them, and that I didn’t ever want to leave them… Still feeling all of that pain, hurt and regret. I was grateful to still be alive - something I had NEVER felt, and didn’t think I would ever feel, but, I had to focus on the other emotions to remind myself of the fact that dream COULD BECOME REALITY.
I still get suicidal thoughts, sure. However, since that dream, they aren’t about the fact that no one cares about me. I learnt a lot from that night alone - I hope that this makes even 1 person really think that little bit longer before making the choice to take their life.
Hold Fast
Kayla