My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mental state

HeartSupport Support
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Someone suggested this site for my mental health so here I go:
I don’t think I can carry on anymore. I’ve got probably the most important exams in my life in front of me and no one to help me with them. So I’m worried and stressed about them.

But even then, I’m not sure what to do after them and im generally scared of the future and of my status quo changing (however shitty it is).
In addition to that my parents aren’t supportive because we’re from Eastern Europe and we just “suck up” every problem we have.

I don’t have any real “friends” I can talk about this neither. Don’t get me wrong, I have some buddies that I play video games with and generally have fun but they aren’t people that are here for me in situation like these.

And finally, recently my boyfriend cheated on me and dumped me, taking away the only thing that made me happy, the only thing I loved.

Even posting this here is stressful as I never said the truth about how I feel to pretty much anyone.

So here I am, totally lost and scared, while also just functioning on pure hate and spite (+ an unhealthy dose of alcohol and anti-depressants) and idk what to do anymore. I’m too much of a pussy to actually end it all once for all but living is just constant pain for me. I would love to just curl up in a ball and stop existing.
So yeah, that’s my state as of right now, sorry for the rambling.

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I’m glad someone told you to stop by here. I’m glad you unloaded some of your story here. Thank you for taking the time to write out some of it even though it was stressful for you. Your story, your life is important!

I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time of it. It sounds like your heart is really sore, like there’s so much going on and you’re under so much pressure you feel you can hardly take it anymore. It may be hard to believe it right now but your life can get better. Drinking and drugging can take the edge off for awhile, (though I don’t recommend it) but it won’t really help you solve your problems. Long term it could drag you down into a very dark abyss.

Have you considered calling the suicide hotline if that’s what you’re really considering. 800 273 8255

It’s normal to be stressed about exams. Is there still time to talk to your professor/teachers if you need more instructions or explanation?

It’s also normal to be stressed about the future. It’s an unknown even with the best of situations and planning. I’m sorry that your parents have a “suck it up” attitude. I’m guessing they want you to do well on your exams so you have better options for your future. They may think they’re encouraging you to be your best when really they’re just adding stress to your life. I’m sorry they’re not a real encouragement to you, at least in this case. It sounds painful.

And to top it off you’re grieving the lost of your boyfriend! And it sounds like you don’t really having a friend group that you can go to with your heart aches. Of course right now you’re feeling lonely.

You’re under a lot of pressure and maybe stressing about the stress, and that’s adding another layer to it! Is it possible for you to get counseling with a local therapist? Your school may have info that would be helpful.

Keep coming back here. You’re always welcome. There will be others who respond to your post and they’ll have support to give you as well.

I don’t know if you are a person of faith. I am. I’ll be praying for you~ Take care of yourself as best you can. You’re worth it!

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Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond and thanks for the kind words.

Hopefully I’ll move out in a few months so I’ll be able to use all the help you suggested, because as of right now, the situation is a bit delicate because of my parents.

My stress about my exams doesn’t really come from fear of failing them, well not really. I’m just afraid that I won’t have the motivation to do them, because why bother? Right now, I don’t even have the motivation to eat something or even do anything when I come back from school. I just lay in bed all day and on a successful day maybe browse YouTube or something.

Then I also realised that I’m not really grieving my ex as “person” per say (maybe because I’ve internalised that he’s a dick for leaving me, now) but more as “it was the only love and care I got since I was born and now it’s gone”. I know it’s going to be better, but here, “better” means I’m back to feeling nothing but sadness and anger.

And yes, I am catholic. I guess my suffering not being meaningless helps me a bit. Something about God giving the toughest challenges to the toughest people, you know?

Sorry about more of my rambling and thanks again for your message.

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From: Ash

First off I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It sounds like right now a means of getting some of this off your chest is helpful so I am glad you are here for that reason. But also I am glad you are here to seek help. Exams are always hard and never do me good things so I feel that one. Dont focus on the huge picture but rather smaller pieces whenever I have a problem if I look at the full problem I get stuck on this idea that oh no it is so large rather than wait break it down like this do you want to go onto higher education. If so what field of study. If not than what is a job you desire or something you are passionate about. For me I had to think that way and start taking big things into small parts. I know that isnt easy tho. As for the anger and wanting to just wanting to be a ball have you considered using that anger in a means of production for like drawing, or creating something. I like to think of it like the clay maker who makes pots the best way to create a pot is to take the clay and mold it into something so perhaps use this frustration, anger, hate etc… to make and mold something. Over all I am sorry you are dealing with all this but I am super proud of you for sharing this here. Hold fast Ash (Disabledmetalfan)

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey Friend, you’re fighting the good fight. The hardest fight is the one you have with yourself. But when you DO win, it feels great. Having parents from the Eastern Block is not easy to deal with, especially considering what I presume their upbringing was like under Soviet Russia. It’s easy to find temporary respite in the bottle, but it goes away once you have to deal with a hangover. Thus, I ask you, do you have any creative outlets to turn to? Anything that you can muster up for something to look forward to? Whenever I get into these deep sinkholes, I force myself to go on a walk outside and to just be present with nature. There’s something cathartic about doing that… It helps set the mind right. Also, Be your own best friend. I know it may seem really hard right now, but do the things that you like, because you like them and that’s it. I’m glad you came to HeartSupport because you’re not alone in this struggle. One thing that really has helped me with my crushing depression is to volunteer with HS directly. I’ve been able to meet amazing people to chat with, play games with and so on. I’ve shared this in several posts, but you can make it to the sunrise, my friend. Stay in there. Our Last Night - "Sunrise" (OFFICIAL) - YouTube

Lastly, What happens when you believe in yourself?

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From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! No need to apologize for anything. You did the right thing trying to recive and support love. Exams are extremaly tough to prepare for ‘Put in the work Put in the hours’ and you will get far. I went through the route of no freinds/ supportive people the way I honestly got through it is by socialising with others. It’s definitely though at first but gets easier over time : D. If you’re feeling stressed before a test do meditation it will make the mind alot easier to focus with trust me.

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I’ve been thinking about you~

How are you doing today? How did your exams go?

Are you coping OK today?

I know that lots of people say God gives the rough stuff to the toughest, maybe as a test…idk,

But as a Jesus follower, I know that that’s not what he says. He’s the rescuer come to rescue us, the toughest and the weakest, from our inability to save ourselves and to bring us home to the heart of God. It’s a comfort to me, and maybe that’ll be a comfort to you too.

Take care as best you can. Here for you if you want~

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Hey, many thanks for checking up on me
My exams only start this week, but I’ve been studying as much that I can.
In general, I do feel better but here, it means that I’m now back to being empty inside (apart from hate and sadness, ofc), so I guess that’s something.
Mainly been using alcohol and workouts/fights to cope now. Tried the things that people suggested here but nothing seems to help. And my parents and “friends” aren’t helping either.
Oh and I did try dating again, but I’m too scared it will end the same way, as it always does for me apparently.
Again, thank you so much for checking up on me, means a lot for me

(P.S when I said “fights” I didn’t mean random street fights, I do some Martial Arts and sparring helps me a bit with coping)

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So it’s been a week and even though I doubt anybody cares I’m doing an update because it helps me vent.
Still miserable like always, still miss someone loving me and caring about me but now I’m even more hateful and spiteful than before. Idk what’s happening to me but I genuinely cannot stand seeing someone happy now. Of course I don’t act on these feelings, I just hate myself even more when it happens. So the past few days have been just a cycle of: Seeing someone happy → getting angry and envious → hating myself for being a shitty person.
Also started to hurt myself physically. I guess I can cope better with physical pain than psychological? pain. It gets my mind off things like alcohol does and is a better option than drinking when my parents are home or if it’s before school. Punching walls also calms me down when I get angry so that also helps.
Tried opening up a bit to my “friends” at school about my problems and they just laughed at it like I thought they would. So that was expected to happen.
At least, it’s there’s a silver lining here, my “depression” is doing wonders to my body. Constant workouts and no meals? I’ll look like Rocky in no time. It’s like I intermittent fasting without the “intermittent” part.
Sorry for the rambling again, but it helps me a bit

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Hey you! Thanks for the updates! I’m proud of you! It may not seem like self care but venting and working outing is good for you. It doesn’t sound like it’s getting the exact result you want, but it sounds like it’s helping some. Try to eat something heathy for your body at least once a day.

Please be careful with the things you’re doing to cope. They can move into the danger zone quickly. I’m thinking about the alcohol and self hurting. It’s definitely a relief, and the best you can do right now, but not great for the long term. On the HS site there is a copy of Rewrite, by Ben Sledge. It’s manuel written to help move the reader from self harm to self care. Let me know if you take a look at it.

There’s nothing more painful than feeling empty and unloved. I’m sorry that pain is such a part of your life right now. I’m sorry your so called friends couldn’t speak words of encouragement into your life. You are brave to try dating again so soon! I imagine that your heart is raw and may need some time to heal. Take your time.

Going through the seeing happy-feeling anger-feeling self loathing cycle is understandable. You want to be loved and happy. You should be loved and have some happiness in the midst of the ups and downs of life. Keep going! Make the best choices you can make, keep coming back here for support and care. I’ll keep checking back in, others probably will too. :cherry_blossom::bug::tulip::butterfly:

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Hey,
First of all, thank you as always for the kind words.
I would say that venting here and working out have a good effect. It keeps me from having dark thought that I’m always having, even if for a bit.
Eating is already hard enough for me, I just don’t have the motivation for it, I guess? So eating something that’s healthy too, it’s down right impossible. Cheap Mac&Cheese it is.
Then, I honestly think that I’m comfortably in the danger zone already. Started heavy drinking when I was 13 (long story) and continued until now, except when I had a boyfriend. Add to that various painkillers/antidepressants and me being generally stupid, I’m already with Kenny Loggings. (but hey, at least now I’m back to making obscure references, so that’s progress?)
And even though I don’t really like self-help books, I bought that Rewrite book you mentioned, going to start reading it today. Will let you know if it helps me somehow.
I wouldn’t call trying to date again, brave. I would call it desperate and inconsiderate at best. Desperate, because I’m trying to fill the void and inconsiderate because I’m in no way a good boyfriend or will ever be, at this rate.
But in general, I’m still as miserable and empty inside but now that that’s my status quo, I’m getting used to it. Doesn’t hurt that much, although I have some moments of lucidity where I just break down and cry.
Again, thanks for checking up on me, it means a lot for me.

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So hey, I finished reading the book. Earlier than I expected.
It is very well written and very interesting, especially in explaining how to get out of that habit.
Sadly, whenever I try to do the things in the workbook at the end, I just…idk. I can’t seem to do any of them. Like I got all the motivation from reading the book that instantly disappeared when I got to the action part.
I’ll try again tomorrow, but I don’t feel like I’m any good at this. I can’t express anything because there’s nothing to be expressed.
So yeah, thanks again for the recommendation, it’s very helpful if I ever know someone that goes through what I’m going through. Maybe, at least, that person will get better.

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There’s no shame in trying again. Take as long as you need. Mental health is a Long Journey that most people walk alone and don’t get help for. Be glad knowing that you are getting help from people wanting to see you climb to your highest point in life.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, its nice to meet you, thank you for updating us on how you are doing. you have a lot going on dont you? I am so sorry you are trying to manage so much, its like you are trying to juggle 6 balls, 3 plates and a candlestick and trying not to drop a single one and still wondering what is gonna happen in for the rest of your life. It is frightening the thought of life changing, of going from one circumstance to another, all the questions of if things will work out or if the choices you make are the right ones but as nerve wracking as that is, that is what life is all about, none of us know what is ahead of us and that can be exciting too. Finally with regards to your follow up, you sound like your mental health is really getting in the way of your self care and that is not a good thing, you need to take care of yourself, that is vital. how you feel about others will change as your mindset changes and but not eating properly or taking care will affect your physical health also and that wont help you with anything so please see your doctor about getting some help, maybe work on a self care plan and see how if that changes helps. You could have the most amazing life ahead of you. You just have to get yourself prepared for it. Much Love lisa xx

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Hey
You’re right, I’m not taking good care of myself.
But it’s not easy for me. Nobody cares about me nor loves me therefore I don’t feel the motivation to do it myself. Sartre was right by saying “Hell is others” (and by that not literally “others” but since the human is a social animal, if your relations with others are bad, you will be in hell. More over, he said that we see ourselves in other’s eyes, and if we let those opinions control us, we’ll also be in hell.) so I am in that hell rn, and I don’t really know how to get out.
As for figuring out the future, I’ll just go to the army or something, that’ll do for a big strong dumb guy like me

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Hey @PolskaGurom its Lisalovesfeathers here, I just wanted to respond to a little of your reply.

This is going to be easier for you than you thought my friend as there is a whole community here that genuinely cares and loves you so start working on that motivation one small step at a time. You are loved here for exactly who you are. Lisa x

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What you’re doing now is the best you can do. You’re used to coping the way you cope. It’s very hard work to make changes, especially when there’s so much going on in your life. Your brain and the chemical soup in it are used to responding in a certain way.

But look at you! You got the book. You read the book You realize there’s good stuff in it. You’re aware you can’t put it all into practice at the moment. You’re back here saying so. All of that’s good. You’re aware of what’s going on inside of you. You’re aware of what you can and cannot do right now. There’s self care in that! I hope you can recognize it. And you didn’t trash the book! You’re thinking that maybe it’ll help someone else some day. That’s compassion.

Take another look at the book again tomorrow like you said. See if you can find one little thing to do that counts as caring for yourself. You are cared about here. Keep coming back for the support and encouragement you need.

CA

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So that’s two weeks, now, so here’s a weekly update.
Been ill for the past few days so I’m mainly staying all day in my dark room. It gave me lots of time to think about my predicament. Couldn’t think of anything interesting though, so I just stare at the ceiling all day.

Now that I think of it, time’s passing by quickly. I don’t know if it’s because of my “depression” or something else. I do find it a bit scary, New Years feels like yesterday and now I’m here, doing my final exams, finally becoming an adult soon. I’m scared of the future I guess. I’m scared that nothing will change, that there’s nothing more to my life. Just going through the routine while only living out of spite and heavy alcohol. I don’t want that. I try to listen to Fleetwood Mac and don’t stop thinking about tomorrow, but tomorrow looks more and more bleak every time I think about it.

Still trying Rewrite, and still not achieving anything. I just can’t, there’s this emptiness in me that engulfs everything. There is no voice of resistance, there is no voice at all. There’s no happy moments in my week, there’s only moments of lessened lucidity that just numbs the pain.

At least my “triggers” seemed to have lessened. They were painful especially after my ex cheated on me. Since we did everything together, everything reminded me of him. Waking up felt horrible without him being there to ask me how I slept. Coming back home felt atrocious without him being there to ask me how my day was. Going on walks without him made the forest seem gigantic while totally dead and empty at the same time, leaving me with only myself and my loneliness. But now, as I said, it’s just going through the motions. Having 2 hours of sleep max, then getting up, working out, having a shower, drinking some beers and taking any painkillers available, going to school, then getting bored and nearly breaking up for 8 hours straight, coming back home, more alcohol, working out, sitting in my bed and staring into the void, then trying to sleep and wishing to not exist anymore.

Back to Rewrite, though. I’m afraid that it’s just not for me, I guess? Like I’m either beyond its help and need to seek a professional (which I can’t rn) or that I’m fine and I’m making all of this fuss for nothing. And I don’t know which scenario is worse to be honest. But I’ll keep trying and maybe, someday, I’ll manage to write something in that book.

Whew, I did write a lot, didn’t I? I guess it’s better than laying in bed doing nothing. Sorry for the long text. I want to thank ,again, everyone here for reading those poorly written “essay’s” and for all the kind words in general.

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Well, I meant to attach that pic to another reply! That’s from my flower garden~

Thanks for the update. I’m glad you’re still looking at Rewrite even if you can’t fill in any of the blank spaces right now. You don’t have to. Letting the info. marinate in your mind for awhile might be helpful. It’s not easy to change your thinking or your behavior.

It is hard to be really objective with ourselves. You’re not beyond help, that’s for sure! But you may need more than a book and a few support wall posts. I don’t think you need to compound what you’re going through by wondering if you’re making a fuss for nothing. Your life is valuable and worth honoring!

You said"There’s this emptiness in me that engulfs everything." Are you familiar with this quote by Pascal? “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator, made known through Jesus Christ.” I think I told you I’m a person of faith. Praying for you friend~