When I was a minor, certain peers of mine said that I looked like a pedophile. From this, I believe that I developed P.O.C.D., which, in turn, caused me to question my identity, so much so that, at the age of eighteen/nineteen, I desperately attempted to see if I was what those peers said I looked like by masturbating to mental images of my younger cousins before failing to do so/stopping myself from doing so.
Within that same period, I was also dealing with a presumed case of Z.O.C.D., likely as a result of ultimately being a gay furry who is attracted to anthropomorphic individuals with adult appearances and sentience but lacking any experiences with sexuality that were not negative to keep me from performing further tests, even if those desperate tests involved mental images of my friend’s dog.
Although I have since discovered what my sexuality is at the age of nineteen/twenty by breaking away from my past thought processes, seeing elements of either of those problematic, repugnant sexualities elsewhere (such as in “To Catch a Predator”) triggers feelings of immense guilt and fear within me – guilt for how I tried to deal with my tribulation and fear of others who have not forgiven me and accepted my growth finding out about this all. Despite discovering who I truly am in regard to my sexuality, I still feel lost.
Intrusive thoughts are a pain aren’t they? ESPECIALLY when they are about things you would NEVER do in real life, but your thoughts won’t stop. This article noted that POCD Is Not Pedophilia.
There seems to be some relief and benefit in getting a properly qualified and experienced therapist to help you, and one who specializes in OCD should be able to understand you without judgment.
I hope you find some comfort by being able to share safely here.
While I researched these forms of O.C.D. when I was younger, reading a seemingly well-researched and, thus, trustworthy piece in the present has provided me with a bit of relief. Thank you.
I’m so sorry you’re having such guilt and fear over these issues.
It’s absolutely horrible that people would tell you that you look like that, I can understand why you’d develop pocd, I can imagine how heavy it’s played on you, the fear that you’re going to do something wrong.
You are not a predator, I don’t overly know a great deal about the furry community, but I do know people hold stigma toward anything that they find different. I don’t believe there is some rooted horridness in you that wants to harm anyone or anything.
I do hope you find some like minded individuals who can share with you their experiences that have brought them joy, and in doing so I hope you find joy with being who you are and expressing love and sexuality the way you need to.
Are there ways for me to come across such individuals on this platform? If not, then can you recommend to me a platform which can allow for that all to occur?
I’m not sure about this platform as I haven’t had much experience or encounter with them if they are, but I’m sure we could have a look either on discord or other platforms and see what’s out there! Actually I do think I may know someone I can ask, and if they have suggestions I’ll link them here for you!