Retriggered P.O.C.D. & Z.O.C.D: Part II

[Anonymous_User1]

Last year, I posted about how the conditions in question had deeply affected me negatively due to how I sought reassurance in extremely unhealthy manners (Retriggered P.O.C.D. & Z.O.C.D). By looking at and acting on zoophilic pornography when I was a minor and checking for groinal responses to non-explicit mental images of my cousins and ex-friend’s dog – going so far as to perform those checks with the same motions that I used to masturbate (without the pleasure and orgasm to make it masturbation) – to desperately make sure I was neither a pedophile nor a zoophile at the age of eighteen/nineteen after realizing I was viewing characters who were not as old as I thought they were and less anthropromorphic than I thought they were in a sexual manner in spite of how I thought I had put a stop to previous unhealthy habits, I ensured that I would live with an intense guilt which has only worsened since then.

After living with this guilt for as long as I have, I have begun to feel like a predator who has managed to keep their horrid crimes hidden away from the rest of the world, except for a few people, namely, some friends, as well as my abusive father, whom I still live with. The latter party was told about this harrowing experience because I both felt that I needed to confess that I had done what I did to someone and could not trust anyone else. This mistake has caused me to fear that they will one day decide to tell other individuals about my actions, particularly my aunts and uncles, who will, in turn, decide to contact the authorities in the hopes that I will be arrested.

Thoughts of telling my aunts and uncles about what I did myself have cropped up, though I am hesitant to believe that they are not inner pushes to seek reassurance from close-minded members of an extended family that I have separated myself from as much as I can who excuse abuse and prejudice. These thoughts have also appeared whenever I consider reaching out to a professional who is capable of treating my conditions, as I fear having to tell them about this all and being treated like a criminal for struggling with mental illnesses again (I Acted Terribly in February of This Year and Still Do Not Know How to Deal With My Guilt and Shame).

Efforts to attend therapy sessions through BetterHelp, volunteer at an animal shelter as a form of exposure and response prevention, utilize grounding techniques (Feeling Unable to Deal With My O.C.D), and distance myself from others as much as possible have not worked. Although I am awaiting a response from a psychiatrist’s office, I feel that I have not done enough to handle this all, that there is nothing that can be done to handle this all, and that I have somehow failed those who have tried to help me handle this all.

[SheetMetalHead]

I just want to say you’re not a monster. I admire your courage for sharing this here. To be sure, most people won’t understand, but stigmas make people uncomfortable.

I’m working on recovery from sex addiction right now, and I’m not the only one in this forum. Acting out may manifest itself in different ways, but the root cause is always the same. What I’m reading here though (correct me if I’m wrong), is that this has not been an ongoing thing for you. It sounds like something you did out of curiosity, trying to figure yourself out. People will react poorly all the same, but as much as narrow-minded people might try to tell you otherwise, things you did as an adolescent don’t define you today.

That said, it sounds to me like the shame you’re carrying around regarding your past actions is similar to the shame I and others have carried around regarding ongoing habits. If I’m understanding your post correctly, it sounds like you’re trying to keep the lid on this secret, and that one of your biggest fears is someone finding out. It also sounds like it’s becoming too much to bear, as you’re considering telling aunts and uncles even though they might turn on you.

@Anonymous_User1

These thoughts have also appeared whenever I consider reaching out to a professional who is capable of treating my conditions, as I fear having to tell them about this all and being treated like a criminal for struggling with mental illnesses again

@Anonymous_User1

I feel that I have not done enough to handle this all, that there is nothing that can be done to handle this all, and that I have somehow failed those who have tried to help me handle this all.

I can’t imagine how scary it is to imagine turning to someone to seek help on this. I know I didn’t want to do it with porn, and that’s relatively mainstream (though still taboo). You haven’t failed anyone though. You don’t owe it to helpful supporters to “get better.” People who genuinely want to help other people don’t put conditions on it. That said,

Again, I admire your courage for posting here. I know it’s uncomfortable talking about sexual matters. We want to keep that stuff to ourselves. After all, everyone else manages to and no one else has these issues, right? Wrong. They just don’t talk about their hang-ups either. I can feel through your words how crushed you feel with this. I’m hearing that you want so badly to get some of the burden lifted off your shoulders. Just the fact that you’re posting here instead of continuing to muscle through it tells me you’re reaching a breaking point.

You don’t have to do this alone. You’ll never be able to work through your demons if you’re spending all your energy trying to trick the world into thinking everything’s fine. Therapy is a good place to start. Everything you tell a therapist is held in confidence unless you present a danger to yourself or others, or are actively committing crimes in your day-to-day life. The very worst that can happen is a therapist wigs out and tosses you out of their office. That is extremely unlikely, but if theoretically it did happen, 1. they’re not very professional and have a weak stomach, and 2. you can move on to the next one. Anything less than that extreme worst case scenario ought to be helpful in at least starting a healing journey At the very least, you’d be shocked how good it feels to tell another human being about the weight you’re carrying around.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Hold fast

[Anonymous_User1]

@SheetMetalHead

Acting out may manifest itself in different ways, but the root cause is always the same.

Would you be comfortable with stating what that root cause is if you think that it could help me out with what I have been going through?

@SheetMetalHead

What I’m reading here though (correct me if I’m wrong), is that this has not been an ongoing thing for you.

When I was still a minor, the former action was performed a few times, at least, until I stopped doing it once I came to understand that it was a horrid way to check if it was a reflection of my sexuality. Sadly, I was still naïve enough to unknowingly perform it when viewing pornography that I did not know was zoophilic. When I was still eighteen/nineteen, the latter action was performed two times out of said desperation that I stopped feeding into in such a way once I realized that it had only made things worse.

@SheetMetalHead

It sounds like something you did out of curiosity, trying to figure yourself out.

I think that “curious” makes those actions seem too innocuous. They were performed due to harmful naiveté and self-destructive desperation that nearly put me over the edge, respectively.

@SheetMetalHead

People will react poorly all the same, but as much as narrow-minded people might try to tell you otherwise, things you did as an adolescent don’t define you today.

Should I not be judged for performing those horrid actions, even if they were performed as a result of lacking open-minded, positive influences around me and in the hopes that I could figure out how to deal with what I later found out to be a mental illness?

@SheetMetalHead

If I’m understanding your post correctly, it sounds like you’re trying to keep the lid on this secret, and that one of your biggest fears is someone finding out. It also sounds like it’s becoming too much to bear, as you’re considering telling aunts and uncles even though they might turn on you.

That may be one of my biggest fears, but my biggest fear is feeling as though I am intentionally deceiving people into thinking I am not a predator, a monstrous criminal, by not confessing that I did what I did to them.

@SheetMetalHead

At the very least, you’d be shocked how good it feels to tell another human being about the weight you’re carrying around.

While I intend to speak to a psychiatrist, as I mentioned, I fear that it will not go well, as every other attempt to tell others about what weighs me down has gone poorly.

That all being said, thank you for taking the time to respond to my initial message to offer me support.

[Sita]

Hi there,

I am happy to see you back here with us! I am sorry that you have been carrying this struggle with you over the past year, I know you must still feel very distressed by it.

I wonder if you are having intrusive thoughts, and/or compulsive thoughts that make you believe you are the worst possible, when there is no basis or evidence (disclaimer: not a doctor so I’m just theorizing here). It can be distressing when our minds make us question who we are.
You were told some things, and had some thoughts and have been trying to prove or disprove those thoughts. I am hopeful that the psychiatrist gets back to you and you can have a good session and begin the process of understanding what is going on.

Fighting against our thoughts is hard. We’re here with you. You aren’t a bad person or a monster. Hope you always remember we are here as a community for you. Hope posting here can offer you some comfort!

[Anonymous_User1]

Hello,

Intrusive thoughts are a part of things, yes. For instance, even though I felt sure that the mental images that I brought up were non-explicit while making my initial post, I am now having thoughts which are causing me to doubt if that was the case. The reasons for why I performed that action would not change because of that aspect, but it being an awful, unhealthy decision would hit so much harder. So, I understand you when you say it can be distressing when that happens.

Thank you for your continued support. If I feel up to it, then I may make an update-related post to share how things end up going.

[SheetMetalHead]

@Anonymous_User1

@SheetMetalHead

Acting out may manifest itself in different ways, but the root cause is always the same.

Would you be comfortable with stating what that root cause is if you think that it could help me out with what I have been going through?

This was more in references to addictions, but it’s something I think is worth exploring for everyone. Addictive behaviors are used to numb emotional pain. You don’t have to get intoxicated to get relief from a dopamine bump. When things like porn, eating, gambling, and shopping are used compulsively to self-medicate (think “retail therapy” and “comfort eating”), they trigger a dopamine release that provides a sense of relief. After being in that cycle for awhile, the brain sends anxiety signals when it’s time for the next “hit.” That signal translates to thinking “this sucks, I want/need/deserve to act out.” It turns into an endless cycle of anxiety and acting out, but that cycle is underpinned by trying to escape deeply-rooted inner pain. A lot of times it’s father wounds, or daddy issues, that we may not even recognize for what they are.

@Anonymous_User1

I think that “curious” makes those actions seem too innocuous. They were performed due to harmful naiveté and self-destructive desperation that nearly put me over the edge, respectively.

“Curious” has an innocent, child-like connotation, but the fact here is that you were trying to figure yourself out. Curiosity can be desperate, as with “what’s it like to have sex?” That question has led people to do things ranging from regrettable to destructive, but it’s rooted in all-consuming curiosity.

@Anonymous_User1

Should I not be judged for performing those horrid actions, even if they were performed as a result of lacking open-minded, positive influences around me and in the hopes that I could figure out how to deal with what I later found out to be a mental illness?

No. In several years of various recovery journeys, I’ve learned that wanting to leave old ways behind means you want to be more than those things. However, what’s most important in your case is that you didn’t know any better at the time. Here’s an example: I had a friend in high school who had a hookah. He was underage, but his parents got it for him, and he would have people over to smoke hookah. I knew it probably wasn’t something I should tell my parents about, but I didn’t think it was a problem because his parents got it for him and he’d have 6-8 people over to smoke it. When my mom found out, she told me to go research hookah smoking and draw my own conclusions. No one ever warned me of the dangers of hookah smoking (lack of open-minded, positive influences), and when I found out it was bad I stopped. It was something “bad” I did for awhile because I didn’t know any better, but it didn’t define me. Yes, your story carries a lot more taboo, but the parallels are the same.

@Anonymous_User1

@SheetMetalHead

If I’m understanding your post correctly, it sounds like you’re trying to keep the lid on this secret, and that one of your biggest fears is someone finding out. It also sounds like it’s becoming too much to bear, as you’re considering telling aunts and uncles even though they might turn on you.

That may be one of my biggest fears, but my biggest fear is feeling as though I am intentionally deceiving people into thinking I am not a predator, a monstrous criminal, by not confessing that I did what I did to them.

That can be simplified into “keeping the lid on it.” That’s not to cheapen it. It’s terrifying. It’s like trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker or a box with a monster in it. It feels like everything will be ruined if it gets out, but that the longer you keep it trapped the stronger it grows. The fear is that there will be harm and destruction, followed by accusations and judgments that this is all your fault and you are a terrible person. The rationale is that everything depends on you keeping the lid on.

@Anonymous_User1

While I intend to speak to a psychiatrist, as I mentioned, I fear that it will not go well, as every other attempt to tell others about what weighs me down has gone poorly.

To be clear: psychiatrists primarily prescribe medications. They need to know your background to properly understand what is going on so they can diagnose and medicate, but it’s not their job to process through it with you. That’s best done with a psychologist, but even they are more clinical in their approach. For your purposes, the only difference between a psychologist and a licensed professional counselor is that a psychologist can issue a formal diagnosis. Psychologists have PhDs that they got through 8 years of research and a dissertation. Counselors have 2 years of graduate level coursework and hundreds of hours of counseling overseen by a psychologists before they get licensed. They tend to specialize in certain fields, a big one being sexuality. There are a lot of people with a lot of hang-ups around their sex lives. A good counselor will tell you up front if they aren’t equipped to help you, usually prior to your appointment based on intake forms, and refer you to someone else. Again, they are bound by HIPAA to keep your business a secret unless you give details of ongoing or threatened capital offenses.

You’ve taken a huge step by confiding in us here. You have let other people in on your big secret, even in an anonymous setting. You have opened yourself up to judgment and been met with compassion I hope you’ve found this encouraging!