I’m just. Numb and shocked by what happened, I never felt so hurt I instantly went and tried to commit. Idk I’m just thinking about it and I just feel strange.
I feel like I shouldn’t have done it, let it be that way, let them call me the pronouns I personally hate and make me dysphoric, if I didn’t keep my mouth shut maybe this wouldn’t have happened and I’m not in a strange state of mind now.
I have realized I have been dissociating more and more often, like my brain kinda goes on auto pilot and I stand back. I was with my friends out in the park because I haven’t seen them since covid. Both of them are in the autistic spectrum but that doesn’t stop me from loving them as best friends, but I felt so, disconnected both where I stood and how it felt our friendship went to after all these years, I have been friends with them since middle school so it’s been a good while. But even then it was like I was derealizing and felt like I had this strange emotional wall between me and my friends.
Ever since that day I have been feeling very off. Idk how else to describe it really.
I’m glad you are here with us right now. You are still processing what happened. It was a shock. You’ve put your trust in this youth minister and you couldn’t guess their reaction. Sometimes, even the people who are the closest to us are the ones who surprise us, and not always for good reasons.
It’s really not your fault. You’ve followed your heart. You’ve been true to yourself, and that is such a beautiful thing to do, especially in a world where there is so much pressure to make us be someone we’re not. Some people won’t be able to see that strength, to appreciate it, to treasure you, but it is their loss. They blind themselves with their lies and fears while it would be so much better to communicate and try to understand each other. They replace curiosity by judgment and lose opportunities to love unconditionnaly wonderful people like you.
It’s normal to think “if only…”/”maybe I should have…”. You’re still processing what happened. You’re wondering if you did something wrong. But I can assure you: what you did is beautiful and very strong. But people are afraid of what they don’t know or understand. Yet instead of trying to understand, they usually prefer to hold tight to their own beliefs, because it’s reassuring. We all do that to some extent. But what makes a behavior understandable doesn’t mean it’s right. You followed your heart, friend. You did something very important and I wish you’d have received a better reaction from them. One filled with unconditional love, and not something that would make you feel like something would be wrong with you. Because you’re just beautiful as you are and you don’t have to fit into any criteria.
Dissociation is also very strange to experience. Though it’s an incredible mechanism that our mind can use sometimes to protect us. It’s good that you have this awareness of when it happens, and how it manifests for you. I know it feels really disturbing to be in that state sometimes, but there will be a moment when you will feel whole again. In the meantime, it’s important to take care of yourself, as much as possible. Regarding what happened, you’ll find some clarity after some time. It is now part of your own story, but you’ll learn to turn into an opportunity for growth. Step by step.
@leonafan000 Thank you for your caring heart. I hope you don’t worry too much about people receiving responses or not - everyone does, but sometimes it takes a little more time.
Thank you, thank you both, I thought no one 100% cared but you proved me otherwise, it has been a tough few days, I haves, major attachment problems, and I was really close to my minister, I always looked up to her but as the saying goes that some members of my family tree say “don’t look too far up or you will fall back”.
It’s been overall a strange time but atleast I know I hav you people to fall back on. And I really thank you for that. @leonafan000 thank you for showing care, remember you don’t have to say something big or special to show care, all you have to do is say you care. And @Micro thank you for your very kind words, you don’t know how much I truly was in need of it, I told some people in other forums (trans specifically) about how they are going to come out and such, it was a shock to me, I never though I could make such impact with my own coming out. But yes thank you, I need to learn how to not see myself so negatively.
You are loved @Sky-Trev, really. Being here for you is the least we can do. And you already help yourself every time you open that door to others, when you share your vulnerability. I see you posting on the forum, sharing your life and supporting others at the same time. It’s a pleasure to see you here and do life with you. <3
I can understand how it feels when you are disappointed by someone you look up to. It really feels like a betrayal and it can make you wonder if the person in front of you was really loving you, or just another version of yourself… It doesn’t make love disappear, but it has a different taste, especially when it’s about something that’s really holding an important space in your heart. The risk would be to start to turn it against yourself, to believe that something would be wrong with you and you’d need to reach standards that don’t make any sense to you.
You didn’t change though. You are the same person as you were yesterday. But you’ve gained a better understanding of yourself. You’re more able to put words on what you’re experiencing, what you’re feeling and what you need. It really is a strength. I’m proud of you for reaching those personal realizations. It’s beautiful. Keep growing and shining as you do.
I don’t know what happened Wednesday, but it sounds like an issue of acceptance, perhaps with people who still have a ways to go yet in gaining wisdom.
With the lockdown, I’d imagine there are many long gaps in time when friends don’t see each other. People are always changing, so, when you meet someone you have not seen for a while, some of the changes might be surprising, and a person might feel uncertain about the friendship status. Such time gaps also exacerbate the feeling of derealizing.
Life, and the way we relate to others, is changing. Feeling “off” during these changes, is not surprising. Expecting things to be the same when you meet with someone you’ve not seen for a while, almost invariably leads to disappointment. Therefore, it’s better to be comfortable with the idea that meeting an old friend is still a new experience.
