This brings back to the topic of my previous post of…:
The feeling of Guilt: Unable to help someone
I’m very sorry that it’s a long text.
I’m going…to let this all out than, keeping it inside, I was…thinking too much about it.
I had recently a dream about this…where it shows a text of conversation from a phone with the person asking…
:“What have I done?”, “Why is it over?”…
Something…along these lines, asking why is it over our friendship…
I think…
The meaning behind it was that it will end peaceful or it was them questioning why did it ended?
Maybe…I need to face it…
It may be because, not so long ago, I checked their Instagram Story.
From time to time, I check…I guess, because of the guilt, leaving them behind fighting the lonliness.
(It will be all explained from the first post)
Their story was written in text with pitch black background.
“I tired to make you happy…I just don’t know what I was doing…turns out I don’t deserve you”
I don’t know, if it aims directly at me but…All I know is that.
We never talked about it because, they removed me before, they knew why.
After, we stopped talking…They erased pretty much everything on their Instagram.
As I motioned previously post, from time to time, they post out their thoughts from stories…
A part of me feels guilty from seeing this but, at the same, I felt this feeling of being cautious about it.
I had previous situations where I have being manipulated and used by people from being too kind.
I don’t want this to happens ever again or being tricked into it again.
BUT…I think, that it is not the case, I hope that it is not in their intentions, they have being not in the best mindset for the longest time before, meeting me and wants/needs someone to be there for them.
Next week, I’ll be going an event soon, I should be feeling excited or happy about it but, all I feel is stressed and scared from a lot of things like going to collage soon, my partner’s father going to the event, my birthday on the same day of the event but, mostly, this situation that stress me the most.
I’m aware that the person will be there too.
I have a feeling that I will froze in place and becomes emotional later…where I’m more likely want to run away but, this is how I am always with my problems.
I no longer want to run or ignored from my problems. It’s…feels wrong to ignore the person, after spending time with them.
I have talked to my partner about it and…He wants to handle the situation but, I have told him that…
I should be the one handling it and doing the talking.
It was my decisions that leads to all of this and…I want make things right, ending in a peaceful matter.
I may be emotional talking to them but, I want tell the truth on why did ended it.
It may lead to arguments or something else, as much as, I hate this.
I’ll need to try to remain calm and respectful.
I will understand if they are mad or something else from feeling that they are alone from people leaving them behind for so long…
(I may be wrong if they react mad but, it’s more from previous situation with them that…Slowly, I learned their personality…
I tend to check body language, voice tone and emotions to carefully on what next to make a decision next but…I had difficult time to see clearly
behind their mask.)
My concern are…getting bad things from them over like Instagram stories, gossip and much more from being afraid…from what I remember what they said. I don’t think, they will say it directly, only if i’m alone with them but, they didn’t mean it, they probably don’t know that it hurts me before, I motioned it…
Even if it is the case than…I’ll have to handle it. I’ve…felt worse from what I deal with before.
I’ll be sad that they choose this path but, I understand that…everyone is different when it comes to handle these things.
At least…I was honest about it and did what I could.
I don’t want to be shown as the bad person or the victim of this drama or them feeling the bad person/victim too.
All I want is ending peacefully without harming them in process or getting worse later on, as it is already the case.
If things goes bad, during the conversation, my boyfriend will intervene…but, I want to be handle it on my own.
I appreciate my boyfriend a lot on helping me and listening about this but, like I motioned,I want to handle it and…I don’t want him to say something harsh to them.
Since, he is direct on what he will be saying. Even if, it’s the truth.
I want to be cautious, keeping it respectful, as much as possible.
The other possible situation is that…I feel that it will be more likely this.
During the convention, we ignored each other.
As much as, it sucks that it leads to this, if it is the case than…
I’ll moved on from it than, maybe…What I thought was right, they only used my kindness but, again, I don’t think that it is this.
I should be moving on from this…Yet, i’m holding on to it, trying to fix it.
Despite, knowing that it was not a healthy friendship and it’s something that can’t fixed, it goes in cycle.
I’m still trying to understand on the reason behind why they pushing me away by removing in Social Media, yet they want someone to be there with them, away from the loneliness.
I’m aware…that not everything can end in a happy ending.
Sometimes, there are things that can’t be fixed and have to let go.
All I hope that…They will be able accept helping themselves and get the right help needed…
Thank you for your time to listening/reading this.
I’m sorry, if things are almost repeating like the first post…
I just…think about it, over and over again
I just want make things right, be a good person
I have a mix feeling about this situation…I’ll need calm down my thoughts.
-LostWings